Press "Enter" to skip to content

Free-Thinker Doesn’t Just Slide to Left Because Song Told Him To

GLENDALE, Ariz. – Self-proclaimed “free-thinker” Rob Greenfield was spotted motionless at his cousin Jenna’s wedding on Saturday night, even refusing to slide to the left when instructed by the popular dance track, the “Cha-Cha Slide.”

“I’ve never been one to follow the herd,” said Greenfield, who made that perfectly clear by wearing a leather jacket and vans to a black-tie event. “These sheep would give you their right leg and then say ‘thank you’ after. That’s why you’ll never catch me sliding, clapping, crisscrossing, cha-cha-ing real smooth, or depositing my money into a high-yield savings account. That last one isn’t in the song – I just don’t trust banks.”

Although Greenfield has insisted that the only music he follows is “the sweet sound of freedom,” some wedding guests, including Maid-of-Honor Patricia Henderson, are starting to suspect something more.

“I definitely saw him stomping his feet a lot,” Henderson recalled in the middle of a wedding-wide conga line. “But to be honest, that might have been unrelated to the song, and more related to him just being a huge baby. In fact, the only time he made a real effort to bust a move was during the bride and groom’s first dance, which is obviously when everyone else is supposed to stand still but them. He made the excuse that he just has to get on the dancefloor when Coldplay is on. I don’t think he’ll be invited to the next wedding.”

Jenna Garrison, newly-married bride and noted enemy of the free press, took a moment from her big day to suggest that her cousin might not be telling the whole truth.

“He’s not a ‘free-thinker,’” yelled Garrison over the sound of everyone screaming “Mr. Brightside” at the top of their lungs. “He’s just an asshole. All I said to him was ‘take it back now, y’all’ and he threw a fit. Rob is simply too insecure to dance. I saw him practicing his best Charlie Brown in the mirror, though he clearly didn’t know what it was, or how to do it.”

At press time, Greenfield asked everyone to raise their glasses as he made a toast about how taxation is theft.