GARDEN CITY, Kan. — Local singer of punk band Salmonella Handjob surprised a crowd recently by holding their replacement drummer up by the scruff of his neck like a newborn puppy being introduced to littermates for the first time, according to sources contacting the SPCA.
“Ever since our main drummer Toby went into rehab, we’ve been thinking of a cool way to introduce the new guy to our fans,” stated singer Conrad ‘Fuck Knuckles’ Borkowski. “Reese has a lot of neck fat which was perfect to hoist him up by, just like I do with those pitbulls I breed in the garage. At first he fought and squirmed a little like the dogs do, but when he realized it was all part of the show he embraced it and went with the flow. He even peed on me a little just like the dogs sometimes do. I dunno, maybe that was just the e-collar I put on him being a bit too tight.”
Fans in attendance were shocked to see such a display during a show.
“When Conrad walked out holding someone by their neck we assumed it was an over-exuberant fan being escorted out,” said Corraine Simpson. “But instead, he introduced him as their new drummer, all the while the little guy’s legs just dangled in the air like some kind of animal. It reminded me of the scene from ‘The Lion King’ when Rafiki presents Simbato to the Pride Landers, but in a much more fucked up way. I’m pretty sure that’s not the way you’re supposed to even lift a dog, let alone a human drummer. It’s not like he was the bassist or anything.”
Music expert Niles DeHammer documented how bands often use innovative ways to announce new members.
“It’s not uncommon for bands to make a big to-do about welcoming new members,” explained DeHammer. “Making a spectacle about lineup changes is important to help drive up interest for fans and the press alike. Sometimes a band will unveil a new member on social media or during a live performance. Or you can do what Metallica did when they replaced Jason Newsted with Robert Trujillo by firing him from a cannon into the crowd, which ‘coincidentally’ crushed a few Napster users at the time.”
At press time, the show had to be called off after the SPCA showed up and discovered most of the band had a very transmittable form of kennel cough which posed a severe risk to the air-breathing public.