WASHINGTON — The Supreme Court heard arguments for and against a ban on the abortion pill, Tuesday, with the male Justices showing a specific interest in learning more about the medication they had collectively spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on in their personal lives.
“I want to make sure I have all the facts before I give any opinion. From what I know, a woman takes the pill, then the baby reaches over into the mother’s stomach and then the baby itself eats the pill? I guess I’m confused how the baby knows to eat that, but it won’t eat like a bunch of chewed-up Oreos,” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who seemed particularly interested not only in the pill but also in the basics of procreation. “I mean, I’ve definitely had sex. Back when I was at Yale I was going to the bone zone every weekend. But back then we practiced safe sex by doing it in a hot tub, because it’s impossible to get pregnant when you’re inside water that temperature.”
The legal team defending access to the pill was visibly frustrated by what seemed to be the male justices’ complete lack of knowledge in matters of women’s health.
“I honestly don’t even know what to say,” remarked a member of the team who preferred to remain anonymous. “Chief Justice Roberts asked if the pill worked by crushing his balls, and when I said ‘no’ he said ‘Please?’ and told me I looked good in my heels. These are by far the dumbest of men I’ve ever come across. Justice Alito asked, after the pill is used, ‘What happens to the stork?’ The stork, and then talked about how green energy like windmills kill migrating birds, which in turn might cause abortions. I just can’t, I’m sorry.”
Constitutional scholar and professor of US History at American University, Dr. Stella Charles says this lack of knowledge around a subject isn’t particularly anything new when it comes to the Supreme Court.
“People like to think the Supreme Court is made up of smart, well-educated people who genuinely care about the people of the United States,” said Dr. Charles. “But you don’t even have to prove you know anything about the Constitution to be appointed. You just have to prove you agree with the senators asking you questions. Think about that. Half of these assholes basically had to get permission from Ted Cruz to be on the court. Fuck, that’s bleak.”
At press time, Justice Thomas was seen wiping away a single tear and whispering “I just wish Scalia was here to see us talk about dirty sex stuff and take more rights away. He would’ve loved it.”