Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Joe Biden Forgets Which One of These Mother Fuckers He Invited Outside

Posted on March 12, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

DETROIT — Joe Biden was seen pacing back and forth outside a local factory today, searching for the mother fucker he invited to “take this outside” with — if there was one, which he also does not remember, sources hyped up for a fight confirmed.

“I’m going to get my hands around that smack lipped newspaper boy and whoop him like a Delaware sewer rat at a garden party,” Biden reportedly said to a loosely gathered cluster of people on their lunch break. “Show yourself you weak-wristed sailor! I knew this horse’s ass wouldn’t show his face. Still undefeated!”

The Vice President reportedly spent somewhere between 30-45 hassling passersby and others in the general vicinity of the Union 412 Auto plant, where he was scheduled to hold a campaign rally.

“That guy is running for president?” one local passerby said when asked about Biden’s shouting. “He asked me the time but when I tried to pull out my phone he grabbed me by the throat and said ‘i’m trying to restore dignity to the fucking White House’ then took a swing at me. Sad what this country has done to its mental health institutions. We need more funding.”

As viral videos of the incident spread online, Biden aides told reporters they believe this can be seen positively and fits within the Vice President’s greater message.

“We believe the Obama coalition will rally around Biden’s strong campaign message of ‘It’s not OK to diagnose people running for the most powerful job in the world,’’ one top advisor said, requesting anonymity. “If that doesn’t work, we’ll go with a PC scolding about how criticizing a man running for president means you hate people who stutter.”

At press time Biden was seen attempting to show his strength through ten strained pushups and challenging children to arm wrestling matches.

New Pokémon Champion Still Receiving Hundreds of 1099 Forms From Defeated Opponents

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Jay Miller

WYNDON, Galar — Newly appointed Pokémon Champion and Galar native Alex Khalil has become overwhelmed with a flood of 1099-MISC forms from previously defeated opponents, marking the beginning of a difficult tax season for the famous trainer.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, I don’t have time for this shit,” said Khalil, struggling to organize a huge pile of tax forms distributed to him by trainers who had remitted 600 pokédollars or more in Pokémon battle spoils in the previous calendar year. “I have a title to defend out there, and every battle I win earns me another 1099. I’m in hell. Just kill me, I’m begging you.”

Khalil’s apartment, covered in hundreds of envelopes stacked upon tables and countertops, was also swarmed by a team of his Pokémon working to sort through the various envelopes into different piles under the supervision of a Meowth wearing a green accountant’s visor.

“This little guy has been indispensable,” said Khalil about the Meowth. “But even with his help, I don’t see how I could possibly sort through all of this before the filing deadline. Every time we seem to be nearing the end, my mom forwards some more forms that were sent to her house in Postwick by accident.”

“I’ve never felt jealous of Hop before,” continued Khalil, bitterly noting that his childhood friend and former Champion Cup rival had already finished filing his taxes a month ago. “He hardly ever wins any battles, but at least he doesn’t have the government breathing down his neck for all of his earnings.”

“I don’t want my Pokémon to see it but I’m losing my mind. I just want this nightmare to end. I’d rather do literally anything besides my taxes. Anything.”

At press time, Khalil was unavailable for a follow-up interview due to a sudden last-minute trip to the Alola region, which is known for its reputation as a lawless tax haven.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Frontman Makes It Perfectly Clear Coronavirus Not Welcome In This Scene

Posted on March 12, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

SPRINGFIELD, Mo. — Local frontman Spencer Wilt made an impassioned declaration to the Coronavirus “and other infectious diseases,” clarifying that highly contagious sicknesses of any kind responsible for worldwide panic are “not welcome in this scene,” witnesses confirmed.

“Yeah, as I walked in they were finishing up their first song and their singer was going off about ‘keeping COVID-19 out of the scene.’ Don’t get me wrong: I agree with him, but why bring it up?” said Melissa Nguyen of the bold stance that elicited tepid applause, along with a solitary “woo” from the crowd. “I mean, is that a thing? I don’t think that’s a thing, is it? None of us should really even be here right now. It would be much smarter to have stayed home.”

Multiple sources report Wilt returned to the topic of pandemics after nearly every song.

“Hey! Listen up. If you think it’s cool to kill old people just because their immune systems aren’t as strong, well, there’s the fucking door,” said the vegan, straight-edge frontman before making a dramatic gesture to an emergency exit sign to the left of the stage. “That sort of bullshit has no place within these walls.

“You don’t see me going around clogging the airways of everyone that gave our demo a bad review, do you? No, because that shit isn’t what hardcore is about. This song is off that demo, and you can get it at the merch table in the back. Bust it!”

Other members of Steady Focus had mixed emotions about their frontman’s message.

“We have talked with him about this over and over again. But each show, he gets kind of more fanatical about it. I think he really believes the Coronavirus is going to specifically attack the hardcore scene,” admitted drummer Mark Livingston. “I really don’t think that’s the case… although, we tend to congregate in tiny rooms with no ventilation so I don’t know.”

In a post-show interview, Wilt remained unfazed by criticism of his between-song banter.

“Did you know Coronavirus has caused tours all over the country to be canceled?” Wilt asked while loading his tour van. “It seems like I am the only one even talking about this. In New York people stood up to run out the Nazis, I am standing up to run out the airborne diseases.”

CDC Recommends Full-Body GWAR Costume to Protect Against Coronavirus

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Lauren Lavin

ATLANTA — In an effort to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control recommended today that U.S. citizens dress in full-body GWAR-style costumes when going out in public as a precaution.

“The advantage of using faux-blood bodypaint, demonic face masks, and heavy layers of latex foam sculpted to look like big-ass skulls with two-foot blades sticking out is twofold,” said CDC spokesman Marcus Chan. “It creates an effective barrier the virus can’t pass through, and if anyone exhibiting symptoms comes too close, you can simply shoot alien semen or viscera at them — say, through a decorative udder.”

The new CDC guideline hasn’t been embraced by the wider public yet, but for the elderly or the immune-compromised, the GWAR suits can offer a sense of security and, according to nurse practitioner Patricia Clemens, “the confidence that we can skullfuck this disease into submission.”

“Sure, it’s primarily a chestplate and mask, and your torso and legs are mostly exposed except for thigh-high boots and loin cloths, but I just mix hand sanitizer in with the bodypaint and stage-blood,” said the 47-year-old Alpharetta, Ga. native. “Not too sure why the CDC insists I also carry this giant alien maggot around with me, though. This administration is so crooked — my neighbor was issued a full cock-and-balls slave with his GWAR getup.”

Despite the rapid spread of the virus, many in the U.S. remain skeptical of the CDC’s recommended steps to prevent illness, and even of the danger of coronavirus itself.

“The government wants people panicked, buying the next fancy expensive face mask and investing in blood cannons. It’s all a scam to prop up Big Latex and turn us into mindless zombies or space barbarians,” said Fort Walton Beach resident Jose Galvan. “If it was that bad, I’d definitely have it by now: I regularly drink my friends’ beers when they’re not looking, and I exclusively smoke refries from random ashtrays to save money. All I’ve got is this weak-ass cough and some lame chest pains. Real scary, guys.”

While the source of recent outbreaks in the U.S. is still unknown, one working theory at the CDC is allegedly that it may have travelled on space debris from the planet Scumdoggia.

Dr. Mario Stitches Up Three Goombas in a Stack for Horrifying ‘Goomba-Centipede’ Experiment

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The perverted Dr. Mario has disgraced the medical community once again after stitching together three goomba victims butthole-to-head in a vertical stack, calling his creation a “goomba-centipede,” according to incredibly disturbed sources.

“You have a-been a-selected for a very important experiment-a,” Dr. Mario said to the three terrified goombas, according to those familiar with the situation. “I am-a the leading a-surgeon in separating a-siamese twins. I am also a-known for throwing a-pills down like a game of a-Tetris and making them a-disappear if there are four of the a-same color in a row. These two facets of my a-background have inspired me to create the a-goomba-centipede.”

Police who arrived first to the scene said it was the most distressing environment they had ever encountered.

“This sick sack of shit is a terrorist in my view,” said Officer Koopaling. “This guy goes around stomping our people, destroying our infrastructure, and now torturing poor goombas. Goomba stacking is a beautiful mating ritual in which the male goombas stack in order to catch the attention of a female goomba. Dr. Mario made a mockery of that. I can’t believe this sick fuck used to date Mayor Pauline.”

As of press time, the Super Smash Bros. league announced they would remove Dr. Mario from the line-up after public outcry.

In their public statement, the league said, “We do not condone the actions of Dr. Mario and we extend our deepest apologies to the families of the goombas who were stacked together in his twisted experiment. Although our league is often a home to villains, we condemn villainous behavior such as that committed by Dr. Mario. Dr. Mario will be replaced in all upcoming battles with Earthbound character Giygas.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Model Grandson: To Reduce the Risk of Coronavirus, I Haven’t Visited My Grandmother’s Nursing Home in 3 Years

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Eric Navarro

As a relatively young and healthy person, I’m appalled by the cavalier attitudes of my peers who are not taking Coronavirus prevention seriously. Just because you are safe from its most harmful effects does not mean that others aren’t at major risk. People in your life right now like your coworkers, teachers, and even your family. That’s right. What about your grandparents? Surely, you care about keeping them healthy and safe! That’s why, as a model grandson, I have not visited my grandmothers nursing home in three years.

Do you see that, fellow millennials? That’s called dedication. That’s called making personal sacrifices for the greater good. That’s called long term commitment. That’s why I have refused to step foot in that cold, disorienting place for years all for the goal of coronavirus prevention.

I love you, grammy. I hope my absence fills your heart with joy and not with whatever stuff goes in hearts that makes them attack you.

Sure, some of you may feel like you’re “doing your part” by only visiting your grandparent’s nursing home once a year, but I say it’s all or nothing. Illness doesn’t care how infrequently you visit the lonely, dying people who are the entire reason for your existence. All it takes is one visit, one hug, one kiss. Fortunately, my grammy doesn’t have to worry about any of that. Because I’m not out infecting people. I’m responsibly staying in my apartment smoking weed and watching wrestling. Just like I have been for the past 3 years.

So go ahead and risk the lives of the wisest and most vulnerable people around us just so you can have your cheap thrills like sitting in a nursing home dining hall where the food is way overpriced and service is terrible, yet they still act like you’re the asshole for being there. Keep on taking chances with the lives of our loved ones just so you can selfishly take family photos that we all know you only took for the Facebook likes. People like you make me sick. Literally. Don’t worry though, I’m sure I’ll get over it. But you know who won’t? Our grandparents.

I hope you all take heed to these words. Personally, I’ve been preventing giving my grandmother coronavirus for the past three years and, with any luck, we can keep this streak going to four.

DNC Urges Americans to Get Out and Vote to Keep Everything Exactly the Same

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Freelancer

WASHINGTON — The Democratic National Committee released a statement earlier this week urging all American citizens to exercise their right to vote for candidates and policies yielding absolutely no change to the status quo whatsoever.

“We need Democrats of all stripes to rock the vote for a regular, standard tomorrow — no more, no less,” said DNC spokesperson Sydney Walsh-Tyler. “Medium liberty. Because, together, we can build an America that is just okay.”

The DNC made specific pleas to voters aged 18-24, likely in response to the overwhelming youth support for the leftist ideals of politicians like Sen. Bernie Sanders.

“I keep getting these weird emails from the DNC with subject lines like, ‘Healthcare Be Chillin The Way It Is Right Now’ and ‘The 1994 Crime Bill Got Me Mad Snoozing, Don’t Look It Up,’” said first-time voter Manisha Agrawal. “Honestly, I don’t care — I’m just gonna vote for Bernie because I saw Amy Klobuchar do the Cinnamon Challenge on the DNC TikTok and I did not like that at all.”

Several moderate Democrats expressed support for the DNC’s approach, citing concerns over the Democratic Party’s odds against incumbent Donald Trump in the 2020 general election.

“We cannot risk electing Trump twice. Last time, it inspired a bunch of women and people of color to run for office under progressive policy proposals, and I refuse to move an inch further to the left,” said Rep. Todd Kowalcyzk, whose laptop was sitting wide open to the Google search results page for “how to gerrymander.” “Listen, I didn’t get into this profession to tout pie-in-the-sky communist propaganda like free college: I got into it because I fucking hate my dad.”

“And we can’t forget about the, uh, kids in cages, or whatever. Or packing the courts,” he added. “Whichever one you care about more. It doesn’t matter.”

However, the DNC already halted efforts to engage voters after DNC Chair Tom Perez remembered that “the voice of the electorate is intrinsically worthless.”

“Oh, yeah,” Perez said, recalling the structures within the Democratic Party designed to prevent progressive grassroots movements from influencing national politics in any actionable way. “Superdelegates. Nevermind.”

Magic Player Has Disgusting Pack-a-Day Habit

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Peter Casciato

BEAVERTON, Ore. — Friends and family of Magic: The Gathering enthusiast Gabe Roberts have said that the once-casual player has now become a full blown addict and has even picked up a disgusting pack-a-day habit.

“At first it was more of a social thing,” said Roberts’ mother, Linda, tying up a garbage bag filled to the brim with booster pack wrappers. “He’d get a handful of new cards when he was drafting with friends or if he was out drinking. Sometimes he would pick up a pack from the gas station if he was coming back from a stressful day at work. But now he’s consistently going through a pack every day, and I’m not sure if he can afford to keep living like this.”

But it’s not just Gabe’s wallet that’s in danger. Dr. Arnold Lyon, an expert in TCG-related illnesses, explained that there are all sorts of negative health effects associated with a regular Magic habit.

“On the physical side of things, a lot of patients suffer from what we call Pokémon wrist, a condition where the ligaments in the wrist deteriorate from tearing open too many packs,” explained Dr. Lyon. “It’s also linked to Black Lotus lung, an often terminal condition caused by inhaling vapors from wrapper glue. Black Lotus lung is an extremely rare, limited edition disease, but it’s still very dangerous.”

“There’s also a common psychological ailment we see in heavy users,” Dr. Lyon continued. “Many suffer from ‘Bolas’s Madness’ which is caused by opening too many bulk rares in a row. The main symptom exhibited by patients with Bolas’s Madness is an uncontrollable twitching and an urge to complain about the secondary market.”

Dr. Lyon believes that the government doesn’t do enough to regulate the sale of Magic cards, or to protect buyers. “In some parts of the world, they put the negative effects of Magic cards right on the packs. They should really do something like that in America.”

At press time, Roberts was reportedly making progress in breaking his habit by switching from paper Magic to less harmful electronic alternatives such as Magic: The Gathering Arena.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I’m Just an Average Billionaire Who Puts His Jetpack on One Strap at a Time

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Shea Strauss

I’m just a normal, average billionaire. If you prick me, do I not bleed the same virgin-transfused blood as any other billionaire?

I come from humble beginnings. My grandfather supervised the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory, and he tragically lost much of his money and assets in the fire. I’m a child of two poor parents collectively barely worth hundreds of millions. I watched them struggle to overcome taxation, labor unions, and tipping. They inspired me to pull myself up by my own rhino-skin bootstraps made in a sweatshop that, guess what, I own.

I’ve worked hard for my billions of dollars, and I deserve all of it despite what the IRS may claim. Compared to a minimum wage worker—who, what, makes a hundred grand a year?—I work ten thousand times harder during my grueling twenty hour workweek. As a job creator, it is incredibly difficult to decide which friend’s child I should throw a few million at and watch them scramble to make me profit.

I’m not one of those out-of-touch billionaires. Like the common man, I care deeply about the environment and what natural resources it can offer me. For example, I’ve never used a plastic straw in my life. Instead, I drink exclusively from disposable golden chalices. And I’m not ostentatious when it comes to my transportation! In addition to my jetpack — which isn’t even made of gold — I only own two personal on-call luxury planes, only one of which is made of gold.

I too have watched some of my good friends face the prison system. Take for example, my good, poor friend Jeff who sadly died while in prison. “Why do the good always die young?” I ask my in-house medical team every day, as a threat.

Taking all this into consideration, please do not eat me. I beg of you. Take my infant instead. Trust me, newborns taste better.

Band Takes Drummer on One Last Day of Doing All of His Favorite Things

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Collin Canning

LUBBOCK, Texas — Psych-rock band Three Inch Teeth treated their drummer Mitchell Gauthier to a night on the town last night, doing all of his favorite activities one last time, heartbroken sources report.

“We kicked the day off with a great big breakfast — seeing his smile when the waitress brought out his plate brought me back to when we first recruited him as a drummer. Everything seemed so much easier back then,” said singer Lindsay Dixon. “We got him all his favorites: bologna, a big spoon of peanut butter, and Trix, his favorite dry food. We just wanted Mitch to have a special last day with us. Anything he wants.”

After breakfast, the band took a trip to the park where Gauthier would often smoke cigarettes.

“He just loves being outdoors, burning off energy and socializing with everyone. Sometimes he will bump into another drummer, and they will go on and on about different techniques — he could keep talking until his heart explodes, so we’d usually have to break them up,” stated bassist Marcus Packer. “I think this is his favorite place to be, so we had to come down here and let him have a final run around with us while he still can. Some of my favorite memories with him are days we spent here, just throwing his drumsticks and watching him chase them.”

After leaving the park, the band piled into their car, giving Gauthier the front seat as they headed to the beach for one final swim.

“We haven’t come to the beach together in ages because Mitch usually runs off and we spend half the day looking for him,” said Dixon. “But we aren’t going to worry about that now. Today is all about our special guy and making sure he’s happy and comfortable, so we brought him down to the ocean to splash around and bite at the water. He just loves it so much.”

Gauthier admitted that the day was one of the greatest in recent memory.

“Today has been the best,” Gauthier said, clearly tuckered out. “Everyone’s been so nice and excited about all the things I want to do. There’s even this cool, much younger guy that’s been hanging out with us all day. And he’s a drummer, too! We’re really clicking and I’ve never felt better about our future as a group.”

“Anyway I gotta run,” Gauthier added. “The guys said they have big news for me — I bet we’re going to the movies or something. I hope today never ends!”

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