Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

CDC Recommends All Americans Keep Audio Logs During Pandemic for Future Protagonists to Stumble Upon

Posted on March 13, 2020 by James Webster

WASHINGTON — At a press conference this afternoon, CDC Director Robert Redfield urged all American citizens to begin keeping audio diaries during the COVID-19 pandemic, should scavenging protagonists need them in the future.

“Keeping an audio log is a very simple process that will likely keep others safe in the coming days,” said Redfield. “Future generations will thank us when rummaging through the wreckage we have left behind, wondering what happened, if they stumble across your exposition-heavy audio recording that ends with you coughing uncontrollably. By leaving your fate ambiguous, they won’t know how much danger they might be in, which will do wonders to expand their world and curiosity about what happened to ours.”

While the CDC claims that keeping an audio log should be simple, many Americans aren’t so sure it will be an easy feat.

“I don’t just have a giant tape recorder laying around,” said local bartender Anna Weitzman. “They said you can’t use Medicaid for COVID-19 testing, so I’m not gonna risk going back outside to get a tape recorder and then end up getting sick. I’m pretty confident that I’ll be fine if I just stay inside my apartment with a couple of useful items scattered around near me and the combination for a secret safe written on a scrap of paper in my desk.”

At press time, the CDC confirmed that as soon as they figure out how to implement flavortext on toilet paper, they would do so immediately.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Item That Revives Murdered Friend Annoyingly Expensive

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Kevin Hufe

T’ARTHAR DESERT — A team of local heroes found themselves in distress recently, after a level 26 necroscorpion murdered beloved party member Ringkoo, requiring an expensive resuscitative item that was a virtual non-issue in the economy of years past.

“Yeah, we can’t afford a Lifegain Potion at this point in our adventure,” said Oswaldo, the team cleric and item mule. “It seems like combing the desert for bandits and raiding caves for treasure doesn’t provide the quality of life it once did. There was a time where if one of your own got hurt on the job, there was no second guessing that it’d get taken care of.”

Reports indicate the cost of a Lifegain Potion has risen 200% over the last three generations, now costing nearly six times the price of other essentials like Poisonaway and Blue Hair Wig.

“Back when my older brother was a hero, if your friend died, you didn’t have to worry about dragging around this dead body until you’ve looted enough enemies to afford his revival,” said the warrior champion Kylerules, leader of the team of heroes. “It was a simpler time. Sure you couldn’t move on a 3 dimensional plane, but with enough money for a Lifeagain in practically every other chest, you knew your best friends were only dead for a matter of minutes.”

With his companions needing to ration their resources more carefully, death may ultimately threaten Ringkoo’s job security.

“The amount of XP we’ll be gaining between now and the next chapter might be enough for Ringkoo’s replacement to take his regular spot in the party,” remarked Oswaldo. “This is probably going to come down to whether or not we want to bite the bullet and get this Lifeagain or deal with some annoying replacement elf.”

Ultimately the party decided against resurrecting their comrade, instead opting to spend the money on an Elegant Feathered Hat for Oswaldo.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

OK Go Celebrates 1 Billion YouTube Views, 10 Spotify Streams

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Claire Brown

CHICAGO — Pop-rock band and music video powerhouses OK Go recently celebrated reaching over one billion views on their YouTube channel, as well as over 10 streams via Spotify, band management confirmed.

“We are very proud to announce that OK Go’s YouTube channel has now been enjoyed by over a billion fans worldwide. On top of this momentous occasion, we are also quite impressed at the sheer amount of streams the band has received on Spotify — that amount being 10, and counting,” the band’s label stated in an official press release. “That’s a full catalog of music videos that the fans have come to know and love, by the band whose music essentially no one can recall or cares to listen to when given the choice. We can’t wait to see what the future holds for OK Go and their music video budget.”

Fans of OK Go’s highly stylized music videos offered mixed opinions about the milestone in the band’s career.

“OK Go? No, I’ve never heard of them,” said die-hard Vevo subscriber and Colorado Springs resident Casey Chang. “Oh, wait, the music video guys! I love their stuff! Yeah, my science teacher made us watch that Rube-Goldberg video in class. I remember thinking the song was really bad, but I liked all the dominos and hammers and stuff. I usually just watch their videos on mute while I’m listening to podcasts. I hope those streams don’t go to their head.”

When asked about the monumental influx of support, OK Go frontman Damien Kulash was clearly proud of his band’s accomplishments.

“It’s been a real journey, and I can’t believe I’ve made it this far… but I know I would’ve never made it here without the help of my friends and my colleagues,” said Kulash, tearing up. “I’d like to thank Trish Sie, James Frost, Francis Lawrence, and all of the other wonderful minds who helped us create such memorable music videos. The other three guys in the band helped out too.”

At press time, OK Go reached 11 Spotify streams after a listener mistakenly clicked their self-titled debut album while searching for “OK Computer.”

Guy in Street Fight Doing Considerably Worse After Eating Turkey Leg Out of Trash Can

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Tyler Simpson

NEW YORK — Local street fighter Brock Fistman reportedly received the opposite effect as intended after eating a turkey leg he discovered in the trash can in the middle of a street fight.

“That guy was really holding his own until he started eating garbage he found,” said eyewitness Casey Brooker, who said that Fistman succumbed to the group of street thugs shortly after the ingestion. “I’m no expert, and I don’t want to talk shit, but you probably shouldn’t eat an entire turkey leg in the middle of a fight. Especially as quickly as that guy did it. Frankly, he probably would’ve gotten sick even without the gut punches.”

Fistman had recently been walking from left to right in the alleyways of New York City, fighting gangs of street toughs while searching for his recently kidnapped girlfriend Trixie Hart. He was running low on health, taking on his fifth consecutive wave of street hooligans, when he kicked a trash can and found the turkey leg.

“I was like, ‘What? Score!” said a bloody Fistman, laying in a puddle in an alley. “Thought the boost it gave me would be enough to turn the tides of the fight. I mean, it looked good. Completely cooked, no bite marks. But I don’t know, I guess someone threw it away for a reason.”

Several of the street toughs have been spotted remaining in the vicinity, standing idly with their fists and weapons in the air.

“I honestly don’t want to get anywhere near the guy,” said Bruiser, member of the 59th Street Gang. “He’s really going to have a rough time when our leader Maximilian Pain comes in with his mech suit. Maybe he can puke on the giant glowing weak spot in the back!”

At press time, Brock Fistman was at home recovering from food poisoning while his girlfriend was still being held over the shoulder of the evil Ragnork Von MetalFace, who continues to wait by the door of his office for Fistman’s arrival.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If Disney+ Doesn’t Fix the Aspect Ratio on Seasons 1-13 of “The Simpsons,” I Will Blow up a Hospital

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Dan Rice

If I’m not given the option to watch my favorite episodes of “The Simpsons” in their original 4:3 aspect ratio, people will die. I’ve planted a bomb in a random hospital somewhere in this city and will detonate it if my demands are not met.

Also, this is not a reference to “The Dark Knight.” I’ve never seen that film.

When Fox finally launched Simpson’s World, everything was auto-formatted to 16:9 widescreen aspect ratio, cutting out precious jokes and sign gags from the series’s earlier and more iconic episodes. Caving to the demands of fans and, I assume, ruthless agents of chaos like myself, Simpson’s World began offering 4:3 for earlier episodes. All was well, but not for long.

Recently, stewardship of Matt Groening’s landmark cartoon has traded hands. The show is now only available on Disney+ and is only available in widescreen format. This is unacceptable. Someone needs to step up and be, well, not the hero we deserve, but the hero we need.

Until we live in a world where I can stream Season 3 episode 23 of “The Simpsons” and see that Milhouse has a Spinal Tap poster over his bed, this city will live in terror. Some may think of me as mad, but madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push. I just thought of that.

Thanks to Disney’s negligence, viewers will be unable to see that Duff, Duff lite and Duff Dry are all the same beer because the single tube filling all 3 tanks is cropped out. And I thought my jokes were bad. Ah-ha-ha.

Oh, I should probably describe my laugh so you get the full effect. I don’t really laugh so much as I say the words “ah-ha-ha” all creepy like. It’s my thing, I came up with it.

People have become too complacent. If I tell you that tomorrow Disney will crop out a crucial scene detail or a sign gag, nobody panics because it’s a part of the plan. What if I cropped out the mayor? Everyone would lose their minds!

If Disney doesn’t correct their mistake, people will die. I’m playing this one close to the chest. Incorrect aspect ratios make me want to just watch the world burn. You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. Alfred.

The point is classic comedy is no laughing matter. “The Simpsons” is a culturally important institution and should be made available in it’s intended format. That’s why I’m so… serious!

Oh, and cut out all the Apu scenes, they’re way too problematic. It’s 2020 guys, get woke.

Worst Friend Only Watched First Half of “American History X”

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Cory Cousins

CINCINNATI — Brent Samuels, widely regarded as a terrible friend and questionable person all around, abruptly suspended his viewing last night of “American History X” halfway through the film, completely missing the message of the movie.

“Brent just kind of showed up last night unannounced, smelling like whiskey and cigarettes, pestering my friends about what ‘lame hipster movie’ I was going to make them watch,” recalled party host Tim Adomski. “And he was very excited we’d be watching ‘American History X.’ But about an hour in, Brent just stood up and announced, ‘Well, that was fantastic! I guess I’ll be heading out now!’”

“Every time they showed a black and white flashback he would say, ‘Oh, this is my favorite part,’” added Adomski.

Samuels explained his fondness for the film he has technically never finished while he struggled to find his car keys in the bushes outside of Adomski’s house.

“Fuckin’ a, man. That movie was awesome! Too bad it’s only an hour long… though, it is kind of sweet that it ended with Norton’s character making out with his hot girlfriend at that skinhead party after being in prison for all that time,” rambled Samuels. “It’s a shame you don’t see more movies being made these days that highlight hardworking, intelligent, white family men who’ve had enough and band together to clean up the streets. Plus, Derek Vinyard can fucking dunk a basketball — that is fucking sick as hell.”

“American History X” director Tony Kaye was visibly upset when informed of Samuels’ opinion.

“No. Just no,” responded a flustered Kaye. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

Samuels is allegedly planning to host a movie night of his own, in which he will screen “The Birth of a Nation” in its entirety.

Police Manhunt Underway for Man Who Didn’t Pay for WinRAR License After 40 Day Trial

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

FRESNO, Calif. — New police helicopter video shows the massive response to accused WinRAR License thief Michael Ramsey as fifteen squad cars chased him down the highway in pursuit. According to those familiar with the situation, Ramsey may have used WinRAR without paying for up to 47 days, a full week after the time he was supposed to purchase the license.

“We take free trial theft incredibly seriously and we are going to catch this son of a bitch,” said Chief of Police Martin Hopkins moments after the chase began. “When you steal from WinRAR, you steal from all of us. They make it incredibly clear that your trial is going to run out every single time you unzip a folder. You have absolutely no excuse to follow the law.”

The creator of WinRAR, Eugene Roshal, said he was incredibly disturbed to discover that someone had stolen his life’s work.

“The fact that WinRAR doesn’t actually charge you after your trial ends is meant to be a gesture of goodwill,” Roshal explained. “We honestly didn’t even realize that people could abuse that function. We just figured that if we reminded folks using the program, ‘hey, by the way, your trial is up so don’t forget to pay now,’ they would do the right thing. The fact that this man has not done so is like a stake through my heart. I am glad that the police are enforcing this with the full power of the law.”

As of press time, police footage revealed that once officers were able to stop Ramsey’s car and apprehend him, they shot him dead. With the help of Roshal, the police then placed Ramsey’s body into a body bag, and zipped it.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How Metallica’s “St. Anger” Album Changed the Wobble in My Coffee Table Forever

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Tom K

By 2003, Metallica had released seven legendary albums and critics were already anointing them among the greatest metal bands of all time. Around that same time I had just found a sweet coffee table on the side of the road. Beautiful craftsmanship, solid walnut wood, and nary a stain to be seen. I snatched it, giddy with excitement as I raced home and it fit right in with my vintage living room furniture. I couldn’t imagine the place without it. However, in my haste to appreciate aesthetic over function, I failed to notice that all four legs of this coffee table were not the same length.

Thinking quickly, I grabbed my copy of Chicago’s greatest hits, carefully removed the first disc, and used the rest of the soulless, plastic, regrettable package to prop up leg #1. The second leg was easy, only a sliver off the ground, and unfortunately it seems that my wallet-sized photo-fan of Morrissey pictures had run its course. Two birds with one stone.

I tried for weeks to get the last leg even but nothing in my apartment would fit under it just right. Nothing I was willing to lose anyway. I was beginning to lose hope. Then “St. Anger” came out and changed everything.

Ya know, a lot of people talk shit about that album but I never understood why. Maybe their coffee tables were built differently. As soon as I saw that shimmering, red fist beckoning me from the F.Y.E front display, I knew this was what I’d been searching for. A perfectly crafted .468” width jewel case of pure, guitar solo-lacking structural support. It would be the CD that changed my life.

I sit here some 16 years later writing to you from the most durable, flat, living room appurtenance to ever hold a laptop. Thank you “St. Anger” for being my favorite Metallica album of all time.

In case you’re wondering if I ever actually listened to the CD? Nah. But I did download it on Napster. Fucking sucked.

Punk to Send Death Threat to Congressman as Soon as He Figures Out Who That Is

Posted on March 13, 2020 by James Knapp

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Garreth Wilkes announced today that he will send a vicious death threat to his sitting Congressional representative just as soon as he uncovers who they are.

“I can’t stand by and let this fascist state keep trampling our rights. It’s time to take drastic action… right after I figure out which district I live in,” said Wilkes while scrolling through Google image results for the search ‘Florida government?’ “I tried going to one of those websites that tells you who your representative is — it asked for my permanent address, but the stupid thing didn’t show any results for ‘abandoned school bus in woods,’ so this could take a while.”

Wilkes representative David Arthur was oddly supportive of the pending threat on his life.

“An engaged electorate is vital to our democracy. I fully support any action from my constituents, even if it is violent and very illegal,” said Arthur, standing strategically in front of an American flag. “This country was founded on a death threat you may have heard of called the Declaration of Independence. This young man is a real American hero. I hope he figures out who I am soon; I’d very much like to read his insights.”

Despite Arthur’s approval of the imminent threat, his head of security had a surprisingly ambivalent reaction to the news.

“Yeah… wackos send in threats all the time. We really don’t even worry about it,” said personal guard Graham Landers. “If I were guarding the president it might be an issue, but half the letters we get aren’t even threatening the right person: we’ve gotten threats for other state representatives; a few for the attorney general, and one was just addressed ‘Mr. Government.’”

“This country really needs to get its shit together and figure out a more streamlined government,” Landers added, “or people need to at least get more involved in local politics so they know who they want to kill.”

Wilkes was last seen calling a number he found on the Florida government website, which turned out to be for the Department of Fisheries.

Hideo Kojima Either Teasing Death Stranding Sequel Or Just Tweeting Photos Of Different Boxes He Likes

Posted on March 13, 2020 by Giovanni Colantonio

TOKYO — Hideo Kojima fans are obsessively looking for clues in the director’s latest string of cryptic tweets, which sources say could either be teasing a sequel to Death Stranding or just documenting all of the game designer’s favorite boxes that are sitting around his office.

“I was absolutely positive that he was teasing a new game, but now I’m less sure,” said Kojima mega-fan Max Stiller, who says the theory originated after Kojima tweeted a photo of a stack of metal boxes with no caption. “I thought this could be a reference to Death Stranding’s box-stacking gameplay and started tweeting that there must be a sequel coming. That fizzled out pretty quickly when Kojima’s next tweet had another picture of a box with the caption ‘I like this box, too.’”

Despite false leads, the rumors have led fans to dig further through Kojima’s feed for any recent posts that could be a clue. One fan pointed to a photo of actor Dustin Hoffman with the mysterious caption “You want me to produce your war?” as evidence, but Reddit users quickly pointed out that this was just an innocuous reference to the 1997 film Wag The Dog, which Kojima happened to have watched that day.

Speculation ramped up even further as Kojima tweeted photos of himself with different celebrities such as filmmaker Alfonso Cuaron and actress Kerri Russell. Some fans thought this could be a hint at a collaboration featuring the two stars as cast members, but those hopes faded once Kojima posted additional selfies with Andrew Dice Clay and the Insane Clown Posse revealing no pattern whatsoever to any of the images.

“I see Twitter as my own scrapbook, where I post all the memories that excite me,” Kojima explained when we asked for comment. “Social media is the tether that links us all. It’s a window to the human s– Huh? Am I working on a new game? Oh, no.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News