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Punk to Send Death Threat to Congressman as Soon as He Figures Out Who That Is

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Punk and self-described “downfall of the establishment” Garreth Wilkes announced today that he will send a vicious death threat to his sitting Congressional representative just as soon as he uncovers who they are.

“I can’t stand by and let this fascist state keep trampling our rights. It’s time to take drastic action… right after I figure out which district I live in,” said Wilkes while scrolling through Google image results for the search ‘Florida government?’ “I tried going to one of those websites that tells you who your representative is — it asked for my permanent address, but the stupid thing didn’t show any results for ‘abandoned school bus in woods,’ so this could take a while.”

Wilkes representative David Arthur was oddly supportive of the pending threat on his life.

“An engaged electorate is vital to our democracy. I fully support any action from my constituents, even if it is violent and very illegal,” said Arthur, standing strategically in front of an American flag. “This country was founded on a death threat you may have heard of called the Declaration of Independence. This young man is a real American hero. I hope he figures out who I am soon; I’d very much like to read his insights.”

Despite Arthur’s approval of the imminent threat, his head of security had a surprisingly ambivalent reaction to the news.

“Yeah… wackos send in threats all the time. We really don’t even worry about it,” said personal guard Graham Landers. “If I were guarding the president it might be an issue, but half the letters we get aren’t even threatening the right person: we’ve gotten threats for other state representatives; a few for the attorney general, and one was just addressed ‘Mr. Government.’”

“This country really needs to get its shit together and figure out a more streamlined government,” Landers added, “or people need to at least get more involved in local politics so they know who they want to kill.”

Wilkes was last seen calling a number he found on the Florida government website, which turned out to be for the Department of Fisheries.