Bernie Sanders Calls on Nintendo to Release Animal Crossing Early

Posted on by Jolie Darrow

BURLINGTON, Vt. — In the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, Senator Bernie Sanders has called on Nintendo to preemptively release the much-anticipated Animal Crossing: New Horizons.

“We must prepare for this disease in an unprecedented way,” Senator Sanders said at a press conference. “Gamers of all classes, both social and character, shouldn’t be forced to wait any longer for an adorable little game that is ready now. We deserve access immediately. People are suffering. It shouldn’t just be gaming journalists that have early access to what may be the best game out there.”

He went on to explain that this is not just a measure that would help those under quarantine. 

“Working Americans are standing in long grocery lines, with hundreds of other bozos, being forced to listen to awful grocery store music such as Jason Mraz,” Senator Sanders continued. “The least we can do is give them a soothing game to play on handheld as they wait. President Trump must do the right thing and work with Nintendo to help working families get through this crisis.”

When asked to speak on Animal Crossing former Vice President Joe Biden said he trusts the developers to do what’s best for the game, adding “Boy that Tom Nook sure is a gumball in a marble vase! I like him!”

Experts have predicted upwards of one million Americans may die from coronavirus, prompting the CDC to praise Senator Sanders’ concerns. As of press time, CDC Director Robert Redfield released a statement recommending those with symptoms to make sure to play Animal Crossing: New Horizons before they pass away.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

No One Wants To Play Your Weird German Game About Trains, Dude

Posted on by LD Wallace

AUSTIN, Texas — Breaking reports from your irate friends indicate that no one has any interest in learning that weird German train game you brought to board game night. 

“I know we call Tuesday nights ‘board game night,’” your friend Brittany said. “But really, we kinda just mean it’s Catan night, you know?” 

Sources have confirmed that you’ve been trying to get them to play Großeisernerpferdewagenfestspiel for the past three months now, and several witnesses have corroborated that your suggestions to play something “a little crunchier, with a little more weight and complexity to it” were less subtle than you had realized. 

Early attempts at courting your friends’ favor by showing them the game’s rating on BoardGameGeek allegedly failed to impress, and pitches describing the game’s painfully detailed and historically accurate portrayal of Hanseatic city planning seemed to terrify more than excite. 

“Look, dude I know you got it at that convention, and I know you’re excited to finally play it, but we’re all a little intimidated by the whole thing. I don’t know what an ‘Eisenressourcenscheibe’ is,” she continued, inspecting one of the cardboard tokens you meticulously punched out the night before in preparation. “And I don’t think I’m ready to learn, either.” 

It is now becoming abundantly clear that the two hours you spent reading the questionably translated rulebook were squandered, and that the ensuing four hours you spent watching YouTube videos of middle-aged men explaining said rules were even more wasteful. 

Some experts, including your roommate Tim, are beginning to worry about the impact the $80 you spent on Großeisernerpferdewagenfestspiel will have on the local economy. 

“Eighty dollars is a lot of money,” Tim commented when you first came home with the game, cradling it in your arms, beaming at the prospect of the hours of fun and challenge its carefully crafted and award-winning design promised. “Do you really think you’re gonna find four other people who want to pretend to be Prussian rail barons for three hours? And then do you really think you’re gonna get them to do it again? Like, more than once?” 

You did think this. You truly believed it, deep down in your heart of hearts. And now, you’re left only with the sinking feeling that you are a fool and $80 worth of painted cardboard and tiny, plastic train carts. Also some eight-sided dice which apparently fit into the play of the game in some way that still evades you, even after studying the rulebook so closely. 

Derek, your work friend who keeps showing up to these things despite the fact that he spends the whole night on his phone, declined to comment, instead opting to grab another slice of Domino’s.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

And1 Clothing Announces Line of Shorts for Hardcore Guys Who Never Play Basketball

Posted on by Kevin Tit

ALISO VIEJO, Calif. — The And1 clothing company is introducing a new line of shorts crafted specifically for hardcore kids who never play basketball, multiple crowd killers with amazing range of motion confirmed.

“I know our slogan is ‘All ball, nothing more,’ but over the past few years we haven’t been putting up the sales numbers we used to,” explained NBA All Star and And1 Creative Director Kevin Garnett. “A few years ago, our team noticed a strong correlation between hardcore festivals and a spike in sales for our shorts — we literally have no idea why this is, but after the Have Heart reunion show of 2019 literally saved our company from bankruptcy, we knew we had to shift gears and refocus our marketing before any of the other companies caught on.”

In the spirit of the early And1 mixtapes, the company teamed up with Hate5six to highlight their first sponsored mosher, Riley “Two-Step” Williams, for the new line of shorts.

“It truly is an honor to represent And1 in the hardcore scene. I’ve been a huge fan of basketball shorts for almost a decade, even though I can barely dribble a ball,” the company’s newest athlete revealed. “People used to tell me that cutting together compilation videos of my best stage dives and mosh moves was ‘some dumb poser-ass vanity shit,’ but look where it’s got me! Years of picking up change in the pit finally paid off.”

The news received mixed reviews in the company, however, as some who have been with And1 from the beginning aren’t sure about the transition.

“I’m just confused,” And1 legend Grayson “The Professor” Boucher admitted. “The other day, I was shooting some hoops at the park, and these dudes wearing basketball jerseys, shorts and Air Force 1’s walked by. I asked if they were trying to ball, and one guy said, ‘The only ball we give a fuck about is Madball, you fuckin’ poser.’ Then they laughed at me and walked away. I’m still not sure what the fuck they were talking about.”

At press time, “Two-Step” Williams was seen crossing over punks in the circle pit of a Rotting Out show.

Woman Worried to Find Room Full of Ammo and Health Before Performance Review

Posted on by Peter Casciato

LANSING, Mich. — Due to her familiarity with the visual indicators that a major boss battle was about to unfold, junior accountant Megan Williams was reportedly worried to discover a room full of ammo and health power-ups waiting for her before her quarterly job performance review.

“Aw motherfucker,” said Williams, who immediately began checking her inventory and equipment once she realized what was waiting for her on the other side of the door. “When I first got the email about this meeting, I knew it was going to be a tough fight, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. They don’t just throw ammo and health at you for nothing. Is that a full armor refill, too? I’m definitely about to get totally wrecked.”

“I’ve gotten pretty good at the supervisor fight,” Williams added, explaining that although this isn’t her first encounter with her direct supervisor, she expects him to be able to absorb more damage and maybe have a few more attacks this time. “If you’re careful you can run around him in circles to avoid his telegraphed attacks, and then after each peer review comment there’s a few frames where you can counter with the rocket launcher. Unless he has a shield this time around or something, I hope not.”

Williams says that although she felt confident in her loadout for the encounter, you can never be too prepared.

“I have the red stapler and the Gauss Rifle, but I really wish I had something that did AOE damage in case he spawns secretaries. If only I’d found the infinite money glitch back at my internship, then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this nonsense and I could just spam my way through.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: If This Is the Apocalypse, You Need to Start Calling Me ‘Motoraxe’

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

It’s hard not to feel like we are approaching the end times. With the world on the verge of a global pandemic, life seems more like a science fiction film than reality. And if this is the Apocalypse, you need to start calling me by my true name, Motoraxe.

You might say I’m overreacting, that maybe this most recent perceived epidemic isn’t as bad as we all think it is. You might say it’s killed less people than the flu. But how many people has the flu killed? No really, how many? Trillions? Has the flu killed trillions of people?

Sure, I could invest my time and energy in studying about communicable diseases or learning how to bathe. OR, I could learn how to do a sick back-flip off a motorcycle while firing a sawed off shotgun with one hand and swinging a katana with the other. Oh, and a hot babe on my other arm. Oh you think all my arms are busy? Not in the apocalypse baby! Three arms motherfucker. Ooo, maybe I should go by “Three Arms.”

The point is, I won’t sit and wallow about how the world around us is about to be decimated by a communicable disease that our current socio-political infrastructure is ill-equipped to handle. I don’t care that anti-intellectualism has brainwashed us into being skeptical of science to the point where even if we had all the facts and evidence, we would still ignore them. If you wanna be a baby about it, fine. Me? I’ve already started stockpiling Surge and canned clams.

People are wasting too much time trying to save the world we currently live in. I’m preparing to conquer the world that’s fast approaching. Sure, I’ve never done a full pull up, but in the wasteland I will crush all those who defy me. When they hear my name they will tremble. And that name will be Motoraxe. Or Three Arms. It won’t be Cody anymore, that’s for damned sure!

Tinder Date’s Penis Looks Nothing Like Unsolicited Dick Pic

Posted on by Johnny Mo

GLENDALE, Calif. — Fraud victim Megan Howard made an emergency exit through her date’s bathroom window last night after an underwhelming penis reveal that looked nothing like the dick pic she’d received earlier, nosey neighbors confirmed.

“I spent my summers in high school working at my mom’s used car lot, so I’m no stranger to the old bait-and-switch… but what Hunter [Bennet] did to me was just sick,” Howard said, shivering in a space blanket. “He must have taken those dick pics with the Snapchat baby filter, because what he pulled out of his pants that night had thinning hair, liver spots, and way too many wrinkles. Like, way too many — even by scrotal standards. It was like staring into an elephant’s knuckle.”

Undeterred by the striking difference between his penis and the nude photographs Howard never requested, the 39-year-old Bennet maintained the images of the young “spruce” dick were not doctored in any way and are accurate representations of his genitals.

“Oh, no, I’m totally busted — I misrepresented myself in a dating app because my deepest fear is that no woman could ever love or accept me as I truly am,” Bennet proclaimed in fluent sarcasm. “Fucking psych: that is 100% my hog, and those pics were taken a couple weeks ago during a post-work happy hour outing.”

However, digital archeologist Hamza El-Sayed from the Oxford School of Archeology uncovered contradictory evidence buried in the details of the photographs.

“In one of the analyzed images, we zoomed onto a discarded package of condoms laying atop a waste bin, and the logo showed an anthropomorphized sperm cell crashing a Japanese war plane into the pubic region of Lady Liberty. This ‘Kum-ikaze’ brand condom was a limited release prophylactic available only during the 60th anniversary of WW2, and from that we can place the penis to approximately 2005,” said the highly esteemed scholar.

“In another image, our subject had donned the aforementioned ‘Kum-ikaze’,” El-Sayed continued, “and by counting the rings of the condom, we deduced this was the rock-hard erection of a young man, and not the pathetic semi exhibited by males nearing their late 30s. It is in my best professional opinion that the subject had taken the photographs more than a decade ago, during his peak penis years.”

At press time, Bennet was seen waddling out of Brotox Botox and clutching his groin.

Donald Trump Insists He Found Mew Under Truck in Pokémon Red

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump is being attacked by prominent Democrats today after he claimed he found Mew under a truck in his original playthrough of Pokémon Red, a claim many fact checkers are rating “three spicy red peppers,” indicating falsehood.

“Folks, it’s incredibly difficult to find the Mew, I know,” President Trump said at a recent press conference to discuss the spread of coronavirus, which experts now predict may kill up to one million Americans. “It’s under the truck! You have to be very smart to know that, but I found the Mew, I killed the Mew, and then I negotiated with the Mew to join my team. And it was the best Pokémon. Incredibly powerful. There was nothing like it!”

President Trump’s statement has drawn the ire of many, including Democratic candidate for president, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders.

“Here’s thuh thing, you cannot catch a Mew under that truck. The President is simply lying,” Senator Sanders explained during an interview on CNN. “There are only two ways to catch a Mew in Pokémon Red. You can get incredibly lucky — win the lottery, essentially, and get Mew from a glitch — or you can be a member of the wealthiest people in this country, someone who can place their finger on the scales of Pokémon, and purchase a GameShark to hack a Mew into your game. And that is very likely what Mr. Trump did.”

“We need a leader in this country who isn’t going to lie to the American people,” Sanders continued. “When I played through Pokémon — and I had Blue version, thank you very much — my final team was made up of just the working class rats and birds I found in the early areas. I’ve had the same Pokémon team for my entire Pokémon life and I will continue fighting for them as long as I am in Kanto.”

As of press time, when asked to comment, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would award President Trump the “Big No No Award,” which is given to liars, and that she would approve of all military action in Iran.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Now Is a Great Time to Point out That 28 Days Later Is an Outbreak Film Not a Zombie Film

Posted on by Ryan Danley

Hey everyone! We all have the coronavirus pandemic on our minds. Everyone is rightfully pretty scared. Basic survival supplies and hand sanitizer are sold out all over town. As we watch the death toll increase daily we can only fear the possibilities that face our vulnerable loved ones if this gets out of control. So we think this is as good of a time as any to distract ourselves with a lighthearted dissection of Danny Boyle’s highly revered 2002 horror classic “28 Days Later” with the hypothesis that it is actually an outbreak film and not the zombie film you may have thought it was. Let’s do it!

Oh we know. You’re going to disagree. How could this breakthrough role for highly skilled acting craftsman Cillian Murphy be anything but a zombie film? Well let us ask you this: Are the “zombies” in the movie walking dead people? No, they are not dead. They are infected. Just like the folks who now have the Coronavirus. Sorry, but Zombies are dead people. This is an Outbreak movie.

That makes us wonder, when the Coronavirus takes control, will we end up living in the hellscape the movie is set in? It’s hard to say. We’ll just point out there are rumors the coronavirus was created in a lab. Hmm interesting, isn’t it? If you remember the movie, the “rage” virus was also created in a lab. So it would be hard to argue that similar paths don’t lay ahead. Just saying.

Anyway, we think the biggest lesson we can take away from “28 Days Later” is how they eventually beat the “infected.” In case you forgot, the “infected” eventually starved to death. See? Zombies don’t fucking starve to death. They wander the earth searching for brains until someone removes the head from the body. That’s like zombie 101. This is important to remember because the starving thing will be key when dealing with our own relatives when they become infected.

Now wasn’t that a nice distraction? We feel a lot better having properly classified this film once and for all. Hope you all do too!

Man Arrested After Yelling “Arcade Fire” in Crowded Theater

Posted on by Bobby Korec

DENVER — Local police apprehended miscreant Max Yelban last night for mischievously shouting “Arcade Fire” in a crowded theater and causing a panicked frenzy among moviegoers.

“Can’t anyone take a practical joke that only gratifies me anymore?” Yelban asked while blatantly ignoring his Miranda rights. “I was just exercising my first amendment right to be a total dick. First, they say we can’t yell out the name of a band who peaked 10 years ago; next thing you know, the government is controlling which unbearable indie bands we’re allowed to shit on. It’s like we’re living in a ‘1984’ Orwellian wet dream. I don’t know what that reference actually means, but you have to admit I sounded pretty smart using it.”

Moviegoers were not amused by Yelban’s prank, which resulted in dozens of injuries.

“There we were, staring at our phones during the trailer to ‘Top Gun 2,’ when all of the sudden some inconspicuous dude from the back yelled out a band name that made the entire theater run like hell,” said bystander Amy Winterstorm. “We didn’t quite know where Arcade Fire was coming from, and since no one paid any attention to those emergency exit PSAs beforehand, everyone was justifiably freaking out.”

“Honestly, I couldn’t have hightailed it out of there any faster,” Winterstorm continued. “The last thing I needed was another painful reminder of my insufferable indie pseudo-intellectual phase from a decade ago. That’s what my creative writing degree is for.”

Lawmakers defended the law as a societal safeguard.

“As soon as we identify threats to the general public, we have no choice but to enact laws to ensure safety. Except when it comes to guns, of course,” Colorado governor Jared Polis said. “We get paid handsomely by the NRA to refrain from drafting any laws opposing gun ownership. Now, if Arcade Fire started a lobby and paid us an exorbitant amount of money to pretend like our hands were tied, too, that ‘crowded theater’ law would disappear quicker than you can say, ‘I was into them before they were cool.’ Money is more important than safety, obviously.”

At press time, Yelban was sentenced to mandatory community service, which included 80 hours of unloading equipment at Arcade Fire shows.

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