Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Bernie Sanders Accidentally Tells Joe Biden “Nice Set” After Debate

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Peter Woods

WASHINGTON — Democratic Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders accidentally told former Vice President Joe Biden “nice set” after tonight’s democratic debate, an audio clip released by CNN confirmed.

“Yes, correct. I did say this. But it is a bad habit I am trying to break… call it a nervous tick, I don’t know. The fact of the matter is this: the Democratic party won’t move forward if everyone just says ‘nice set’ every time you get on stage and open your mouth,” said Sanders. “We need to be critical of everyone performing on this stage to move forward. I really shouldn’t reward people with a compliment because they pushed out the same, stagnant ideas for 50 years straight — show up with something good, or make room for the new kids who are hungry.”

Biden seemed to take the offhand remark to heart.

“Yeah, that was definitely one of those performances where I couldn’t really tell what was happening,” said Biden. “But I could feel it: I was definitely zoning hard, I haven’t felt that alive since I confronted Cornpop at the pool. So I’m glad it sounded good out there. It’s just super fun to get up and make some noise and say whatever in front of people. I can’t wait until the next one; this scene is just so cool.”

Witnesses also allegedly saw Sanders blow off moderator Lester Holt who approached in the hopes of getting the senator’s setlist.

Joe Biden Runs a Few Du Rag And Tie Combos By Obama Ahead of Debate

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Kevin Tit

WASHINGTON — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe. Biden allegedly checked in with former President Barack Obama ahead of an upcoming debate to get his opinion on some du rag and tie combinations for wardrobe.

“These hoes are hell-bent on destroying my image, trying to frame me as some old guy out of touch with the African-American community,” Biden reportedly told his advisers before lighting a Black and Mild cigar. “Well, listen here, Jack: I ain’t about to let these jive busters play me. The brothers and sisters still love Uncle Joe. Believe dat.”

News footage caught Biden leaving Obama’s home holding two Gucci duffle bags while wearing a royal blue du rag with a matching “No Limit” jersey, baggy denim shorts and a pair of Timberlands.

“Joe’s going through a lot right now — those ‘Calm Down Joe’ memes really got to his head,” said President Obama. “I told him it was a bad idea to seek the nomination, but he insisted it’s ‘what the people want.’ In all honesty, I don’t think he’s been preparing for the debates… or even considered what the actual job entails. He’s just hungry for the attention at this point.”

Campaign manager Greg Schultz confirmed that Biden and Obama still talk almost daily, and elaborated on their campaign’s strategy going into the third debate.

“I… I have no idea what the hell is going on. He won’t listen to me. He won’t listen to anybody,” a visibly panicked Schultz revealed. “He’s threatening to beat up union workers, claiming he would beat the Coronavirus in a fight any day of the week, and not to mention the whole ‘Poor kids are as good as white kids’ debacle. He spends more time researching how to be like Shannon Sharpe than he does reviewing his speeches.”

“Four years ago, I’d be convinced we’re absolutely fucked but, in 2020, we’re still somehow in the lead,” Schultz added. “I don’t understand how, but my job is to win so, like, whatever.”

Not to be outdone, fellow candidate Bernie Sanders modeled a few vintage Ramones t-shirts before ultimately deciding on going with a suit and tie again.

All Healing Items Spent During Boss Fight Player Is Required to Lose

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

LONDON — Police were called to the scene of a disturbance in the early hours of this morning, as Chris Macklyn was reportedly making a scene in his apartment, having realized that he’d used hours of hoarded healing items in a boss fight that he was required to lose.

“I thought he was damn well about to put his PlayStation through the wall!” said Macklyn’s roommate, Walter Stavey. “I thankfully heard him shout ‘I AM GOING TO THROW THIS FUCKING CONTROLLER’ before he threw that controller, so I was able to duck it in time. Shame about the lamp, though. I’m really glad help arrived before it got much worse. That said, I totally get why he’s so pissed. That’s bullshit, dude.”

Officers were able to enter and deescalate the situation, preventing Macklyn from doing irreparable harm to his gaming systems and other valued possessions.

“Yeah that kid was going wild in there,” said officer James McLavish. “He was swinging this computer monitor around on its cord like a goddamned lasso, and I was able to talk him down by reminding him that he can play a game that has more respect for his time and efforts if he’d like. I get called out to stuff like this all the time, it really breaks your heart.”

Macklyn addressed the situation after taking several hours to calm down and reflect on the events that had transpired.

“I was too stunned to pull the plug during the cutscene after the fight, and then I saw the autosave icon appear and I just lost my shit,” he said, sipping Mountain Dew out of a coffee mug in his kitchen. “At least 55 hours of carefully saving up Healing Potions, Antidotes, and Restoration Scrolls, and they have the nerve of dropping me into a fight with the Big Bad and not even let me kill the damn thing?”

“I could’ve sold all that shit and outfitted the whole party with better armor, because apparently even though I’m 10 levels higher than I should be for this section I’m not allowed to win,” he added. “Fuck that!”

Officers decided not to bring Macklyn in on any charges, letting him off with a warning instead and stating that “that sort of bullshit should really be in a cutscene or something.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Bassist Accused of Sexual Misconduct Just Happy to be Named In Article For Once

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

TACOMA, Wash. — Bassist Todd Francona, recently accused of sexual misconduct by several women, was just happy that his name was mentioned in an article for once, sources unsure if he truly grasps the gravity of the situation confirmed.

“Fuck yeah, check it out! Right on the front page of Pitchfork, baby. Score one for the guys on the low end,” said Francona while extending his hand for a high five that was not reciprocated. “It’s so tough being a bassist. You have no idea how many times I’ve been accidentally photoshopped out of band photos, or tasered by security guards thinking I snuck backstage to raid the catering table. So it’s very satisfying seeing my full name in print… even if it is in a statement from one of my accuser’s lawyers.”

Drummer Kyle Gale was dismayed by Francona’s reaction.

“We haven’t seen him this excited since the time a fan asked for his autograph because she thought he was our guitarist Pete. And that ear-to-ear grin he had in his mugshot? He’s like a middle child who is so desperate for attention he sets the dog on fire,” said Gale. “In a funny way, we’re kind of happy for the little guy… but in a less funny way, he’s a sick fuck and we had to immediately kick him out of the band.”

Terrence Grisham, leader and only member of a local bassist advocacy group, lamented society’s blatant prejudice against string-challenged guitarists.

“It’s a travesty that my brethren are only acknowledged by the mainstream media when we do something terrible. This gives the impression that all of us are creeps and deviants, when the reality is, only the majority of us are creeps and deviants,” said Grisham. “Some day, us bassists will rise up against our oppressors… or at least, we would if we weren’t so terrified of being replaced by literally anyone with even mediocre guitar skills.”

Francona is reportedly forgoing preparing for his upcoming trial and instead seeking other ways to drum up notoriety. Sources say he’s narrowed his options to an offensive face tattoo and/or diving headfirst into the alt-right movement.

Sesame Street Helps Losers Cope by Introducing Muppet that Sucks Ass at Halo

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Jake Brian Williams

NEW YORK — Sesame Street announced plans to introduce a new Muppet that is absolutely horrendous at the video game Halo, in an effort to help adult males in their thirties and above cope with being “giant losers.”

“When we started making Sesame Street in 1969, there was no reason to include a n00b muppet that totally sucked at first person shooters, but times have changed,” said Erin Halwell, a representative for the Sesame Workshop production company. “With the growing amount of adult men hoping to become professional streamers despite their complete lack of personality and ability, we decided to introduce a Muppet that, like them, couldn’t possibly be any worse at the thing that they love.”

Online reception to the new character has been largely positive since the announcement was made.

“I really love the idea of a muppet that sucks at games, because I suck at games,” said Kyle Thompson, a 38-year old gamer (who sucks at them). “Maybe this guy will help me stop gaming for 10 hours a day without ever improving, and instead focus on something that has literally any value at all. At the very least, hopefully he can get me to stop throwing controllers at my TV when I lose.”

However, many in the psychology community have expressed concern at the viability of the character’s intention.

“A 38-year-old man simply is not a child,” said Dr. Alan Grey, renowned child psychologist. “At this point, there’s really nothing we can do for someone that needs a puppet to be bad at Halo to make him feel better about himself, but I guess kudos to Sesame Street for trying.”

If this Muppet proves to be a hit, Sesame Workshop is hopeful that gamers will be just as receptive to their next character: a female Muppet that is way better at video games than her male peers.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: A Jury of My Peers Wouldn’t Be Dressed so Nice

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Yancy Lee Crawford

Your Honor, take a look at this jury. When I arrived here for my trial, I was told the jury would be a selection of 12 of my peers. Surely one glance around this courtroom and it becomes painfully clear that this group does not represent me. First and foremost, why are they dressed so nice?

Come on! Where are the Chain wallets? The JNCOs? The mohawks? And not even a single Misfits tattoo? At this point I’ll settle for a jury of Juggalos! Which, fun fact, is the proper term when referencing them as a group.

Honestly, I was stoked when I heard that. I figured no district attorney could possibly round up a jury of twelve of my peers this far away from Maryland Deathfest and I’d be off the hook! But when a dozen normies walked in dressed like the cast of fucking Hamilton (my grammy made the whole family go see it), I was immediately disillusioned with the whole judicial process. I finally understand what Martin Luther King Jr. was singing about in all his songs.

And look, the head juror is wearing a charcoal grey thing with buttons and a collar. The fact that someone can be the “head” of anything without wearing a single Cannibal Corpse shirt makes no legal sense. Maybe in corrupt Russia, but not here.

Your Honor, I will conclude my closing arguments by once again saying “thank you” for the opportunity to represent myself and “fuck you” for not giving me a jury that does the same.

Emotional Support Dog Also Fucking Terrified of Flying

Posted on March 15, 2020 by John Danek

ATLANTA — Local emotional support dog and shivering, terrified Spitz-mix Bartholomew was forced yesterday to fly on a 5-hour commercial flight to Seattle despite also fighting anxiety when flying, the dog confirmed in a series of whimpers and half-barks.

“My owner was flying back home from a work trip… and guess who got to come along for that ride? Yep — ol’ ‘he can fit under the seat if he needs to’ Bart. I guess it’s nice that he gets to be comforted while I’m forced to sit on a plane that scares the ever-living shit out of me,” whimpered Bartholomew, who has unwittingly served as Derek Langley’s emotional support creature for three years. “The engines are painfully loud, turbulence is a concept I can’t even wrap my brain around, and there’s always some goddamn screaming baby near me. Please think twice before forcing us on planes. I know it’s a whole thing now, but we have feelings, too.”

Bart’s owner Langley argued that his use of an emotional support animal is entirely justified, claiming the benefits extend to Bartholomew.

“What would I do without itty bitty Bartholomew?” Langley gasped while shoving the dog’s face into his own. “I just love having him around to squeeze when I’m corralled into economy seating. Plus, I don’t have to pay to board him if I just bring him with me. Oh, and I’m really scared of flying, but he loves it: every time we go, he’s shaking with excitement and delight, especially when we get a window seat… which he not only loves, but insists on.”

Experts say selfish animal owners are often unaware of the trauma they induce on their furry friends.

“Many pet owners are completely indifferent to their animals’ extreme sensitivity to loud sounds, vehicular motion, and being trapped in an airless fault traveling at excessive speeds,” explained animal behaviorist Sherri Todd. “But unless your pet clearly salivates at the idea of getting in a car, maybe reconsider forcing a living being who can’t consent to suffering through the miserable experience that is modern air travel. Plus, that guy was flying Delta, which should constitute cruelty — no matter the species subjected.”

Police reports confirm that Langley is in jail today following an altercation when he demanded, against park policy, to hold Bartholomew while riding the Timberhawk roller coaster at Wild Waves Theme Park.

D&D Player Wears Wire to Game After Friends Insist They Won’t Start a Podcast

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Joe Klein

BROOKLYN — Local Dungeon Master Brian Goldberg’s most recent Dungeons and Dragons session ended in controversy yesterday, after the 26-year-old was caught wearing a wire to the game, following his friends’ insistence that they would not start a podcast.

“I just wanted to record our adventures, amass a legion of fans, start a Patreon, become immensely wealthy, and finally quit my job at Home Depot,” said Goldberg, shortly after being found out by his friends. “But when I told everyone that, they said they just wanted to have fun! I was like, ‘Are you insane?’”

Goldberg stated that he knew he’d have to get creative if he wanted to realize his dream of starting a podcast that was exactly like Critical Role, except starring different people. His plan to covertly record his friends via a microphone hidden beneath his shirt found initial success before becoming fairly obvious, several players reported.

“When Brian started DMing, it seemed like your average quest to a lost city of eldritch horrors,” said party member David Link, otherwise known as the gnome barbarian Tinius Maximus. “Then we met a traveller with ears for nipples who demanded we speak directly into his chest and we knew something was up.”

However, it wasn’t until a later encounter that Goldberg’s friends finally realized the full truth, ripping his shirt off his body and exposing the tape recorder taped to his chest. Offended by the betrayal of trust, the group stormed out, vowing never to return.

“In hindsight, I may have pushed it too far when I introduced the dark wizard who kept shouting out MeUndies,” said Goldberg. “But what was I supposed to do, a deal is a deal!”

At press time, Goldberg was seen editing out the moment that his friends all left the table from the upcoming first episode of his podcast.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

We Ranked Every Cannibal Corpse Album Cover by the Length of the Shower We Had to Take After Looking at It

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Nick Ortolani

Cannibal Corpse is just as known for their provocative album covers as they are for their music. Due to our intense masochism, we ranked every Cannibal Corpse album cover based on how long we cried in the shower after seeing it.

14. “Kill”- Arguably the most pedestrian cover from this band, the artwork simply displays the band logo, the album name (Kill), with a few faint splashes of red to signify blood (Kill, get it?). Frankly, this looks like the band had to throw it together in MS Paint because of a deadline.

RATING: N/A No shower needed. The cover is so tame I made it into a bedsheet for my daughter.

13. “The Bleeding”- Arguably their best album but another lackluster cover. For an album boasting songs such as “Stripped, Raped, and Strangled” and “Fucked With A Knife,” the cover doesn’t properly convey the viscera contained in the lyrics. The artwork is no gorier than a sirloin you could purchase at your local butcher.

RATING: N/A This cover kinda made me hungry, is that weird?

12. “Evisceration Plague”- This is about as extreme as the “Postal 2” cover. At least in that game you could urinate on corpses and shove a gun up a kitten’s ass. The cover depicts what I’m assuming is some maintenance guys waking up Iggy Pop a little too abruptly. The palate is also incredibly dark, as if the artist was trying their best to hide the cover from us. My grandma has cataracts and I could probably wear this shirt in front of her.

RATING: N/A though now I am thinking of my nana.

11. “A Skeletal Domain”- Honestly, I’m still more scared of the “Night On Bald Mountain” scene in “Fantasia” than I am by this cover.

RATING: N/A Still thinking of my nana. I used to watch “Fantasia” with her.

10. “Red Before Black”- Okay, now we’re getting somewhere. No gore, but plenty of blood. The power of this cover is that it casts you, the viewer, as the one being murdered.

RATING: I’ll rate this with the ¼ cup of water I sipped while looking at it.

9. “Eaten Back To Life”- I might get shit for this one but just because it was the first doesn’t make it the best. Yes, the band laid the groundwork for all future covers, but it’s still tame compared to later efforts. There aren’t any weird bug hybrids or people impaled on meathooks. Just a dude eating his own intestines in a graveyard, which honestly seems like a suitable place for that activity.

RATING: I poured a ½ cup of water in honor of this being the first.

8. “Gore Obsessed”- No here’s a more refined version of “Eaten Back To Life.” Complete with weird grabbing arms, a cape made out of literal face masks, and naked half-ladies (as opposed to half-naked ladies), Cannibal Corpse reminds me of the great Native American using every part of the buffalo. Except here, they’re using every left over special effect from a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie.

RATING: At this point, I had to dab my forehead with a cool, damp cloth.

7. “Gallery Of Suicide”- A further evolution on the complex themes of gore, this cover has another popular Corpse theme: dead bodies hanging on shit. Another fairly tame outing for the band as the suspended corpses are relegated to the background. However, the corpses in the foreground are quite striking and the cover contains another popular aesthetic theme: mutilated naked women.

RATING: I splashed a little water on my face for this one.

6. “Torture” – Okay, now these are starting to get a little fucked up. That’s…that’s a lot right there. This time the hanging corpses are way up in the front and, oh God, is one of them pregnant? How do you even think of this shit? I mean, I’m no stranger to gore but this just seems cruel to the viewer.

RATING: 10 mins in the shower, mostly warm water.

5. “Bloodthirst”- WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THAT. THING? Some kind of bug creature? A mixture of The Thing and the Mindflayer? I hate it and I want it to die. Also, did it kill the corpse? Or IS it the corpse? Is it going to eat the corpse and OH GOD I JUST SAW THE FACE ON ITS SHOULDER ITS GONNA ABSORB THE CORPSE! FUCK.

RATING: 30 minute shower, alternating hot and cold water.

4. “Vile”- Okay. Okay. It’s over. This one seems tame compared to the others. A little Clockwork Orange on the face but otherwise pretty OH GOD I JUST SAW THE SEVERED DICK IN THE MAGGOT FIELD!

RATING: This is the first time I’ve ever worn a cup and jockstrap in the shower.

3. “Butchered At Birth”- no no no no no no no no no no no No No No No No No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

RATING: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2. “The Wretched Spawn”- AHHHHH FUUUUUUCK! I didn’t know it could get worse than Butchered At Birth, but it did. You might think oh, what could be worse than a half-lady having babies cut out of her by skeletons surrounded by suspended dead babies? Well, the answer is give the skeletons a winged demon friend, replace the babies with a hybrid spider-baby spawn, and oh yea it’s a live birth from BOTH ENDS! I’m starting to think these guys failed high school health class.

RATING: 3.5 hour long shower, alternating between standing, sitting, and somehow lying down.

1. “Tomb Of The Mutilated”- I guess this is the “winner.” Just. Ugh. I… This is the only cover to feature a “sex”(?) act. A half dude going down on a half lady, both of their sex gonads removed. The most upsetting and confusing part of this one is trying to piece the order in which these things happened. Were they fucking and then got murdered? Were they murdered and posed like this? Did one of them die first and then the other was forced to perform on the corpse? And that skull in the bottom right corner honestly looks like he was on his way somewhere and then stumbled into this tableau, an unfortunate victim of circumstance. He’s making the only face my soul knows how to feel now. I’d say I’m disgusted, but I don’t think I know how to feel anymore.

RATING: I’m writing this from inside the shower.

Midwestern Goodbye Enters 20th Hour of Inching Closer to Front Door

Posted on March 15, 2020 by Luke Woodward

BARLOW, Ky. — Local woman Roxana Carozza is entering her 20th hour of the dreaded “Midwestern goodbye” this morning, still inside her mother-in-law’s home and currently trapped in a conversation about window insulation, overly polite sources report.

“I don’t even understand how this happened — one minute we’re getting everything packed up for the car, and three hours later, my mother-in-law has me trying four different peanut butter bar recipes to figure out which one is too sweet,” stated Carozza, disheveled and visibly exhausted. “I kept telling her we needed to get on the road before it got dark, and she kept telling me that her mamaw always said, ‘Mice see better in the dark anyway.’ What the fuck does that even mean? Is it an insult?”

Carozza’s husband Brian reported from a nearby Tudor’s Biscuit World, where he sought refuge under the guise of stepping out to check the tire pressure on his grandmother’s Buick.

“Listen, I hate to leave her hanging like that… but good God, passive-aggressively glancing at the door and then my watch over and over can only go on for so long. Sometimes, you just have to make a break for it,” he explained. “I love my family, but the only good thing about going there is that I can just zone out and play video games as much as I want. Everyone just sits around talking about who’s in the hospital and who’s doing worse in the family, as if it was a competition or something.”

Family matriarch Elanor Carozza, however, couldn’t be more overjoyed with the company.

“We never get the family together enough anymore, and it’s always so lovely to have them over,” Elanor said. “They tend to linger on after dinner, and dessert, and coffee, and a second round of dessert, so we always prepare the guest bedroom in case they need to stay the night. Sometimes we even get them for a whole weekend.”

“It can be a bit much, honestly,” she later added. “Sometimes I just wanna watch the news and get to bed, but when someone compliments your stewed tomatoes, you just have to buckle down and talk about the canning process for no less than four hours. There’s no other way around it.”

At press time, Roxana had grasped the door knob, only to be pulled into the sitting room so she could see the great work a neighbor did on the crown molding repair.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News