We Broke Down the PlayStation 5 Prototype and Did Our Best to Put it Back Together Before Sony Came Back

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

There is no more feverish time in the world of video games than the dawn of a new generation of consoles. Details regarding the upcoming arms race between Microsoft and Sony have been few and far between, and the recent revealing of information regarding the newest Xbox has increased interest in the mysterious PlayStation 5. Through a rigorous series of manipulations, misrepresentations, and downright bribery, I was able to get my hands on a prototype of the upcoming system, and boy, this thing is breakable folks.

Sony rightfully has been pretty restrictive about access to details and things like that, and certainly a journalist with mock credentials has no business being alone in a room with one of the most sought after gadgets of the decade. This is why I told the nice man that I saw him drop something out in the waiting room he had summoned me from. He said he shouldn’t leave me in there alone with it and I told him he had nothing to worry about and that all I’d brought in with me was a pencil and little pocket notebook. 

As soon as he left, I began poking the pencil into any part of the unit that looked like it might come apart. This thing is sleek, by the way. I am happy to report that it looks like a hefty son of a bitch that would probably fuck your foot up real bad if you ever dropped it, so be careful this holiday season! 

Oh, and if you do drop it on your foot, odds are good it’ll come apart into a dozen pieces. I was just getting going poking at the son of a bitch and it came apart and suddenly looked like a fucking Blooming Onion. With just a pencil! They better do something about this before it hits shelves. Kids are gonna tear this thing to shreds.

So what became a mission of curiosity quickly became one of recovery, as I frantically raced to put back together what was just moments ago a sleek monolith of gaming before the guy came back. I mean, he was already going to be mad because I lied about seeing him drop something out there. I did my best to stuff “the guts,” back into the black parts, and I spit on pieces of paper I’d pulled from my notebook to try to keep the black parts together. I did my best to color these sheets of paper with my ink pen so they would go unnoticed, but there just wasn’t enough time. When Sony came back into the room, he was disappointed and seriously pissed off. 

In closing, I have no clue if the PlayStation 5 is going to be backwards compatible or have FloppyBytes or whatever the fuck. It looks tight, though. And it is heavier than the 4. You heard it here first. 

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Chet Hanks Diagnosed With Full-Body Dopeness

Posted on by Michael Luis

LOS ANGELES — Rapper Chet Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, tested positive for “full-body dopeness” this morning following a video update on his parents’ health status, sources close to the Hanks family reported.

“Yo, what’s up everybody. It’s true: I got full-body dopeness. After my last video I had a lot of fine ladies telling me I should get tested, and the results came back positive — like, super fucking positive,” said a shirtless Hanks in a second video posted to his Instagram account. “Like, it’s crazy because my parents got sick, and now I have this… but we ain’t trippin’ at all. Just going to blast out a few more reps in the home gym and crank this shit up, you feel me?”

The coronavirus microbe causes physiological effects including respiratory complications, but full-body dopeness impacts the host physically and mentally, explained Dr. Ruth Meyer, a specialist with the World Health Organization.

“Symptoms commonly include chest tattoos, high beer-pong accuracy, and an urge to acquire a black friend who will permit them say the n-word,” said Dr. Meyer. “It’s also highly contagious, thriving in locations such as Cadillac Escalades, weight-room curl racks, and EDM-festival beer gardens.”

While a buff bod, cool friends, and a party-ready attitude may seem like positives, the CDC warns that full-body dopeness is ultimately a negative affliction.

“Sufferers will have a tough time finding clothes to fit their swollen physiques, and the pressure of having too many friends can be psychologically crippling,” said CDC spokesperson Henrietta Powell. “There can also be long-term ramifications on societal reproduction: in our studies, we’ve found that women exposed to men with full-body dopeness lose interest in carrying the children of men who are less dope. The fate of the human race depends on us controlling the spread.”

Chet was unavailable for additional comment, as he was reportedly too busy “puffin’ on medicinal kush and mackin’ on hot nurses” in the infectious disease ward.

Man Replaces Height in Tinder Bio with Current Body Temperature

Posted on by Collin Canning

NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his resting body temperature to try to increase potential matches, self-isolated sources report.

“I just feel like it’s the responsible thing to do. I’m not really into big crowds, so it would be nice to have a romantic dinner at my place, watch some Netflix, and see where the night goes,” Prost said of his bio change. “With all the hysteria around right now, I just want the lovely ladies of New York to have peace of mind, knowing there are men in this city sitting at a cool 98.7 degrees on average. I feel this is much more important to women than whether I’m 5’6” or not.”

Prost’s forethought and consideration during this epidemic is being applauded by several of his matches on the popular dating app.

“Honestly, knowing that he cares about containing the Coronavirus is one of the most impressive things about a prospective Tinder date,” stated one of Prost’s half-dozen or so matches, who still wishes to remain anonymous. “The last guy I met on Tinder sent me a photo of a digital thermometer reading, but that pic ended up being like, two years old and he was mainly using the thermometer as a scale to show off his penis size — which I did not ask for. Dave’s concern for everyone’s health is very uplifting. I wish more guys would do it… mainly because Dave is my only option right now and I’m not feeling it.”

A representative from the CDC weighed in on exercising proper precaution while using dating apps.

“The important thing right now is for people to practice social distancing, diligent hand washing and careful monitoring for symptoms of COVID-19 — maybe put the casual sex with strangers on hold for a fucking week or two? For the love of God, people. Jesus Christ,” said CDC spokesperson Alex Hauge. “We are all fucking horny as hell: my wife hasn’t touched me in weeks, so I’m feeling it just as bad as the next guy. But goddammit, just jerk off at home and dispose of the tissues in a lined trash can.”

At press time, Tinder analytics showed that most men on their platform were exaggerating their body temperatures, claiming to be a full four to five degrees lower than they really were.

Boss Catches Employee in Idle Animation for Fifth Time This Week

Posted on by JD Lowe

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Employees at a local marketing agency have confirmed that IT support technician Sye Monteleone was given his third and final written warning after being caught in an idle animation by his supervisor for the fifth time this week.

“I understand that my employees have downtime between support tickets,” said Tori Kennedy, Monteleone’s boss. “This happens at every job, but it’s inconsiderate for employees to tap their feet, and point at their watches, and point towards the door as if they want to leave work early. It’s bad for company morale, especially considering he’s on a seven second loop.”

Coworkers say they’re not surprised that Monteleone’s behavior has continued.

“He doesn’t even hide it when he’s bored! At least most employees surf Reddit and alt-tab between windows so it looks like they’re busy, but Sye prefers to stand up at his desk, gesture to his left, gesture to his right, and then run in place while pumping his arms,” programmer Marty Christopher explained. “It feels passive aggressive; that seems like a lot more effort to me than just yawning or something.”

Monteleone, however, does not feel that he’s done anything wrong.

“It’s bullshit,” said Monteleone. “Everyone does it! My coworkers step away every hour for a cigarette break, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be allowed to have an idle animation. Is it just that’s repetitive? Because I’d be happy to learn some taunts if that makes people feel more comfortable.”

At press time, employees at the marketing agency came to a compromise when Monteleone agreed to no longer use his idle animation, and instead, stand in a T-pose when he had no more work to do.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I May Be a Working Class American Struggling to Make Ends Meet, but in My Heart I Make Over $10M Annually and Bernie Wants Half

Posted on by John Merrifield

A fifty-two percent tax. I can’t get that figure out of my head. Fifty-two percent. That’s almost half my income.

You see, I still believe in the American dream. I believe that millionaires are the result of hard work and dedication. People aren’t born rich. Well maybe some, but even they have to work hard to keep it I assume. Sure today I’m a menial worker at a manufacturing plant who can barely provide for his family but that doesn’t matter. With my work ethic, 20 years from now I’ll be pulling in millions!

Wait actually I’ve been at the plant 22 years. OK whatever, I guess it takes 30 years. The point is Bernie needs to keep his hand off my hard earned riches!

Too many millennials these days want hand-outs. They don’t want jobs. They want Bernie to take money from the paychecks of hard-working millionaires like hypothetically me one day Americans and put it right in their pockets in the form of welfare programs and free college.

But what about people like me that really need food stamps? Why do these kids get to sit at home munching on government cheese while I’m out breaking my back for government cheese? And I can understand wanting healthcare, but at what cost? Fifty-two percent of the millions my boss is sure to share with me any day now, that’s how much!

Granted, I don’t make nearly enough to qualify for that particular tax bracket yet. In fact, after my most recent knee replacement, I’m basically paycheck-to-paycheck. And yeah, I might benefit from Bernie’s policies now, but what about when I’m making ten figures? Why should these freeloaders reap the benefits of my own blood, sweat, and tears?

No matter. With Trump in office for another term, we’re gonna see another oil boom in no time, and I’ll have steady work and be back on track to achieve the American dream. I reckon I’ve got another few decades of get-up-and-go left in me. With enough luck, I’ll be around to vote for Trump again in 2024.

Speaking of luck, I think I’ll even add those numbers to this week’s lottery ticket: 20, 24. I have a damn good feeling about this one.

Boss Working from Panic Room Doesn’t See Why You Can’t Go Into Office Today

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Local executive Reginald Dixon sent a company-wide email from the security of his HEPA-filtered panic room moments ago stating that the Coronavirus threat is “overblown” and that all employees are expected to report to work in the morning, worried sources confirmed.

“Two people in the office already showed advanced signs of the virus and announced they would be self-quarantining and working from home,” said administrative assistant Rachel Sims. “But after getting this email, apparently they’re returning to work in the morning. [Dixon] said he’d gladly go into work himself, but his kids’ ‘cowardly liberal school’ closed down and he needs to be home with them.”

“A lot of us don’t know what to do with our kids, but the boss-man suggested we bring them to the office and let them play in the conference room,” agreed sales rep Jan DiVita. “The worst part was the signature line literally read, ‘Sent via iPhone from a Turvallinen brand panic room.’”

Dixon explained why he would not extend the same work flexibility he enjoys to his employees.

“These leeches just want a paid vacation,” Dixon said via speaker from within his steel fortress. “While I’ve allowed any employee designated Vice President and above to work remotely, for all other employees, it’s business as usual. Our office should be the safest place in the city considering no one else is downtown anymore — I have remote cameras placed around the office that I’ll be monitoring from within the safety of… from my home, to ensure employees show up to work.”

When reached, Human Resources Director Albert Tate slid a statement through the hatch of his backyard bunker.

“The health and safety of our employees is paramount, but we believe that if we interrupt life as usual, then the virus has already won,” the statement read. “We have taken every precaution necessary to ensure a clean workplace by buying a big bottle of Purell and asking that anyone exhibiting symptoms of the virus not come into the office, provided they have a positive Coronavirus test from a certified testing center result. Anyone who fails to follow these measures is at risk of being laid off.”

As of press time, Dixon had eaten all of his emergency rations and demanded his assistant go to Costco to buy more.

Level 16 Warlock Still Can’t Identify a d8

Posted on by Jay Miller

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. —  Local gamer Steven Chen reportedly held up a d10 when asked to roll 8d8 necrotic damage, despite playing a level 16 warlock for over a year of weekly D&D sessions.

“Seriously?” asked dungeon master Leo Clark. “I don’t see how you can play a game for so long and still be completely oblivious to the  most basic mechanics. He’s been doing this since the first time he cast Chill Touch at level 1. It’s a d8. It has 8 sides. Just count them.”

“How can a d8 have a 9 on it?!” Clark added.

The same sentiments were echoed by other players in the D&D group, none of which struggled to accept a staple of their friend group could be such a simpleton.

“I’m almost ashamed to be married to him,” said Amber Belmont. “I started playing D&D a couple weeks ago to spend more time with Steven and even I can tell a d8 from a d10. He doesn’t even grab a d6 half the time he’s asked to. That’s the one die everyone knows! How do you screw that up? I’ve spent our entire relationship believing him to be an intelligent, clever person. Maybe I was wrong.”

While Chen’s friends and family lamented their fate of having to play D&D with a “dipstick,” Chen failed to grasp the gravity of the situation.

“I thought they were joking around at first,” said Chen. “But it seems like everyone is taking this super seriously. What am I supposed to do? Just remember that it’s the blob-shaped one? They’re all blob-shaped!”

At press time, Chen’s friends purchased him a set of different-colored dice to help him differentiate between them, but the situation became tense once again when Clark said, “roll the green die” and Chen picked up the blue d10.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

How to Talk to the Woman You Just Annihilated in the Pit

Posted on by Josh Fernandez

Dudes! Summer is right around the corner, which means one thing: Hot hardcore shows and even more hot girls in bikinis all over the dance floor. But this summer is going to be different, way different, because I’m pretty sure there’s a special lady just for you, just waiting to intertwine with your heart and your fists as you two-step onto her face.

But WHOA slow down there, champ! Not so fast. There’s rules to this game.

Say, for instance, you spin kick her face and it’s dripping with blood. We’ve all been there. Then she gives you that classic look like, “Wow, did you just break my fucking nose with your Samba?” I know, I know; you’re already in. But try to stay calm. Even when a girl is clearly into you, you can’t act like it. It’s a turn off. You gotta be cool. Our strategy: like a punk Criss Angel, pull a Kleenex from your cutoff cargo shorts and say something all girls love, like, “M’lady, can I reset your nose?”

Chivalry is not lost. Her septum piercing, on the other hand, is about 6 rows back.

But what if she’s pissed? Like for some weird reason she doesn’t appreciate the overly-aggressive hate-moshing that could lead to traumatic brain injury? Or even worse, what if she has a huge, scary skinhead boyfriend and they’re both coming your way? No. Worries. Mate.

You’ve done nothing wrong but express yourself through the mystical art of dance. Just do what any self-respecting punk would do and give them a flyer for your next show. Once she understands you’re the bassist for a two-piece grind project, she’ll ditch the zero and get with you, a goddamn mosh pit legend.

Who says you can’t run head-on into a relationship? You just need a plan. Now get out there and obliterate the ladies with your sickass windmills!

CDC Warns Against Starting Podcasts While Quarantined

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement earlier today warning citizens to abstain from creating any new podcasts during Coronavirus self-quarantines.

“During these long periods of downtime, it may be tempting to start a podcast with your roommates about classic TV shows, rating bad liquors, or even live-action role playing games,” said CDC spokesperson Kendra Adams. “We ask all Americans to stay vigilant and resist the temptation to unleash something on our population much, much worse than the virus itself.”

While the CDC is doing everything in its power to drive home its message, some are not heeding its warning.

“I mean, yeah, I get it… there’s a lot of shitty podcasts out there. But our idea is actually really good,” local improv comedian Randy Patton said. “We’re going to call it ‘Corona Cinema,’ and we’re going to watch movies about epidemics and like, make jokes about them — so, like, ‘Contagion,’ ‘Outbreak,’ ‘The Andromeda Strain.’ We’re also going to drink Corona beer during it, too, and each week, we’ll have a special guest: we already have my level one improv teacher lined up, and a couple guys from the best sketch group in town, Smelly Tuna.”

However, many feel Patton’s quarantine plans are exactly what the CDC is warning about.

“We already have 150 confirmed cases of Coronavirus-themed podcasts on our servers,” said Spotify spokesperson Gina Blake. “We have ‘Podronavirus,’ ‘COPOD-19,’ ‘How Did This Get Infected?,’ ‘My Favorite Virus,’ ‘Wait Wait Don’t Kill Me,’ and those are just from the last two hours. Our servers can’t handle any more uploads — we’re having a hard enough time keeping up with all the new metal bands named ‘Coronavirus.’”

The CDC concluded the address by reminding citizens that they have their own podcast where they break down pandemics throughout the centuries, and to use the promo code “CDC” to get 15% off a purchase of Casper Mattresses.

J.J. Abrams Retcons Rian Johnson’s Name to ‘Ryan’

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — J.J. Abrams has collaborated with authors on a new novelization of Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker that expands the story of the movie, re-examines some previous Star Wars canon, and officially changes Rian Johnson’s name to Ryan Johnson.

“I think The Last Jedi is a wonderful standalone film, but we needed to iron out some minor details to make sure they fit into the larger story we were trying to tell,” Abrams said. “The Knights of Ren and Palpatine, for example, are now a much bigger part of the story now. And of course, we had to change the weird spelling of Ryan’s name to something that worked better for the trilogy.”

“I mean… I didn’t even know how to pronounce it,” Abrams added. “Rye-ann? Ree-ann? I was too awkward to ask. Anyway, the canon spelling of his name is Ryan Johnson now.”

When reached for comment, Johnson said he was content with his new name.

“Honestly, I’m glad I got to be a part of the whole thing. I’m working on my next movie, More Knives Out, and I’m trying to put the whole Star Wars thing behind me,” Ryan Johnson explained. “I guess I’m just happy it was J.J. who changed my name, and not George Lucas, because then it would be Directorous Johnson or something else that’s really on the nose.” 

At press time, Abrams said he was considering a second book that reveals Johnson’s name had secretly been Brian Johnson all along.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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