Press "Enter" to skip to content

Chet Hanks Diagnosed With Full-Body Dopeness

LOS ANGELES — Rapper Chet Hanks, son of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, tested positive for “full-body dopeness” this morning following a video update on his parents’ health status, sources close to the Hanks family reported.

“Yo, what’s up everybody. It’s true: I got full-body dopeness. After my last video I had a lot of fine ladies telling me I should get tested, and the results came back positive — like, super fucking positive,” said a shirtless Hanks in a second video posted to his Instagram account. “Like, it’s crazy because my parents got sick, and now I have this… but we ain’t trippin’ at all. Just going to blast out a few more reps in the home gym and crank this shit up, you feel me?”

The coronavirus microbe causes physiological effects including respiratory complications, but full-body dopeness impacts the host physically and mentally, explained Dr. Ruth Meyer, a specialist with the World Health Organization.

“Symptoms commonly include chest tattoos, high beer-pong accuracy, and an urge to acquire a black friend who will permit them say the n-word,” said Dr. Meyer. “It’s also highly contagious, thriving in locations such as Cadillac Escalades, weight-room curl racks, and EDM-festival beer gardens.”

While a buff bod, cool friends, and a party-ready attitude may seem like positives, the CDC warns that full-body dopeness is ultimately a negative affliction.

“Sufferers will have a tough time finding clothes to fit their swollen physiques, and the pressure of having too many friends can be psychologically crippling,” said CDC spokesperson Henrietta Powell. “There can also be long-term ramifications on societal reproduction: in our studies, we’ve found that women exposed to men with full-body dopeness lose interest in carrying the children of men who are less dope. The fate of the human race depends on us controlling the spread.”

Chet was unavailable for additional comment, as he was reportedly too busy “puffin’ on medicinal kush and mackin’ on hot nurses” in the infectious disease ward.