Press "Enter" to skip to content

CDC Warns Against Starting Podcasts While Quarantined

ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement earlier today warning citizens to abstain from creating any new podcasts during Coronavirus self-quarantines.

“During these long periods of downtime, it may be tempting to start a podcast with your roommates about classic TV shows, rating bad liquors, or even live-action role playing games,” said CDC spokesperson Kendra Adams. “We ask all Americans to stay vigilant and resist the temptation to unleash something on our population much, much worse than the virus itself.”

While the CDC is doing everything in its power to drive home its message, some are not heeding its warning.

“I mean, yeah, I get it… there’s a lot of shitty podcasts out there. But our idea is actually really good,” local improv comedian Randy Patton said. “We’re going to call it ‘Corona Cinema,’ and we’re going to watch movies about epidemics and like, make jokes about them — so, like, ‘Contagion,’ ‘Outbreak,’ ‘The Andromeda Strain.’ We’re also going to drink Corona beer during it, too, and each week, we’ll have a special guest: we already have my level one improv teacher lined up, and a couple guys from the best sketch group in town, Smelly Tuna.”

However, many feel Patton’s quarantine plans are exactly what the CDC is warning about.

“We already have 150 confirmed cases of Coronavirus-themed podcasts on our servers,” said Spotify spokesperson Gina Blake. “We have ‘Podronavirus,’ ‘COPOD-19,’ ‘How Did This Get Infected?,’ ‘My Favorite Virus,’ ‘Wait Wait Don’t Kill Me,’ and those are just from the last two hours. Our servers can’t handle any more uploads — we’re having a hard enough time keeping up with all the new metal bands named ‘Coronavirus.’”

The CDC concluded the address by reminding citizens that they have their own podcast where they break down pandemics throughout the centuries, and to use the promo code “CDC” to get 15% off a purchase of Casper Mattresses.