NEW YORK — Newly single and perfectly healthy man Dave Prost edited his Tinder bio yesterday, replacing his height with an up-to-date measurement of his resting body temperature to try to increase potential matches, self-isolated sources report.
“I just feel like it’s the responsible thing to do. I’m not really into big crowds, so it would be nice to have a romantic dinner at my place, watch some Netflix, and see where the night goes,” Prost said of his bio change. “With all the hysteria around right now, I just want the lovely ladies of New York to have peace of mind, knowing there are men in this city sitting at a cool 98.7 degrees on average. I feel this is much more important to women than whether I’m 5’6” or not.”
Prost’s forethought and consideration during this epidemic is being applauded by several of his matches on the popular dating app.
“Honestly, knowing that he cares about containing the Coronavirus is one of the most impressive things about a prospective Tinder date,” stated one of Prost’s half-dozen or so matches, who still wishes to remain anonymous. “The last guy I met on Tinder sent me a photo of a digital thermometer reading, but that pic ended up being like, two years old and he was mainly using the thermometer as a scale to show off his penis size — which I did not ask for. Dave’s concern for everyone’s health is very uplifting. I wish more guys would do it… mainly because Dave is my only option right now and I’m not feeling it.”
A representative from the CDC weighed in on exercising proper precaution while using dating apps.
“The important thing right now is for people to practice social distancing, diligent hand washing and careful monitoring for symptoms of COVID-19 — maybe put the casual sex with strangers on hold for a fucking week or two? For the love of God, people. Jesus Christ,” said CDC spokesperson Alex Hauge. “We are all fucking horny as hell: my wife hasn’t touched me in weeks, so I’m feeling it just as bad as the next guy. But goddammit, just jerk off at home and dispose of the tissues in a lined trash can.”
At press time, Tinder analytics showed that most men on their platform were exaggerating their body temperatures, claiming to be a full four to five degrees lower than they really were.