Every ‘Star Wars’ Movie Ranked by How Old I Was the First Time I Saw It

Posted on by Jordan Breeding

Now that Disney has released the Rise of Skywalker film and novelization, it feels like everybody has already made a “definitive” ranking of every Star Wars movie to date. 

But as a 28-year-old man, I’m probably the biggest Star Wars fan of all time. It’s about time somebody wrote a list that corresponds exactly with my age and subjective emotional experience at each viewing. Who better than me, right?

 

1) Episode I: The Phantom Menace

 

The Phantom Menace is both the film that started it all, and the one all other Star Wars movies have failed to surpass. Seven-year-old me and my best friend at the time, Geoff, loved—and I still love—the rushing excitement of podracing, the witty repartee of Jedi, and the subtle racism of multiple poorly conceived ethnic stereotypes. 

The next day in gym class, Geoff and I both agreed no cinematic experience would ever top watching Jar-Jar Binks blowing up tanks with blue balls. To this day, somebody half-heartedly proclaiming “yippee” brings me rushing back to the last time I was truly happy.

2) Episode II: Attack of the Clones

 

 

Attack of the Clones is more than a worthy successor to Lucas’ magnum opus. Geoff and I were a little disappointed Jar-Jar wasn’t given a more prominent role, but that was quickly forgotten under the unrelenting awesomeness of C-3P0’s head getting stuck on a combat droid body (and vice versa!), the very steamy romance between Padme and Anakin, and, of course, that alien who wasn’t a he but a she and that she was a changeling. 

It was almost too much cool shit for a couple of fifth graders to process, but that extra-ness is what makes Attack the second best film in the franchise. It took everything the first one did well, and expanded on it in powerful ways — even if it wasn’t quite as revolutionary as its predecessor. Geoff and I agreed on that during a long conversation that ran long into the night, until our minds and voices became one. And you should agree with us, too. Or else you’re wrong.

 

3) Episode IV: A New Hope

4) Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
5)Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi

 

 

Geoff and I didn’t want to watch any more Star Wars until we saw the old ones, so one night when I was 11, we watched all three back-to-back. There was no way they were going to top the original two, but they had their moments. We rewatched the bikini scene so many times the disc got stuck in the DVD player. It was one of those moments you never forget—hormones raging, discovering the beginnings of your sexual existence, together with your best friend in the world. When I woke up the next morning, Geoff had fixed the DVD player and was rewatching the Luke and Leia kiss scene. He was so smart.

I definitely also remember being pretty disappointed the guy they got to play old Anakin didn’t look anything like Hayden Christensen. Big whiff there.

 

6) Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

 

Dad dropped me off alone to see Revenge of the Sith for my 13th birthday. Geoff couldn’t make it because he was sick. I still had an okay time, but it just wasn’t the same. I’d sort of forgotten most of the story from the first two films, and I was worried about Geoff, who was apparently running a fever and having some numbness in his limbs. Overall, a solid conclusion to the original trilogy, but missing something special. We should all be able to agree on that.

 

7) Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

 

I was a little wary of watching any new Star Wars after Geoff died of leprosy in 2014. I thought the movies might bring back too many painful memories. I didn’t want to see another Star Wars alone, but I’d had a rough go of making friends during that period of my life. 

I wouldn’t say I had “fun” per se, since the whole movie was kind of blurry from my watering eyes, but hey, it was pretty cool that Darth Vader was in it. They didn’t show his face, but I could tell it was Hayden under there. In the end, it definitely recaptured my childhood in some sense, although a lot of it was the bad parts. It made me finally reckon with the fact that the Star Wars I once knew—the one who had countless sleepovers with me, and who wasn’t diagnosed with that deadly skin disease until it was too late and he was dead—was gone forever.

 

8) Solo: A Star Wars Story

 

I gave Star Wars another shot since I met this cool-seeming new guy at work named Carl, who said he liked Star Wars. I did not enjoy the experience. Carl bought a super-sized tub of popcorn and munched it throughout the movie, and all I could think was how Geoff used to love popcorn but, by the end, his fingers had fallen off and there was no way for him to pick up the kernels with his nubs. I cried through the entire movie. That probably means Ron Howard failed to strike the right tone after picking up the floundering project from Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. Carl never talked to me again afterwards which is also a huge negative against Solo. 

 

9) Episode VII: The Force Awakens
10) Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
11) Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker

 

 

 

 

 

I got a new roommate a few months ago who decided to pony up for Disney+. Larry hadn’t seen the sequel-sequel trilogy, so he suggested we watch Episodes VII and VIII before seeing IX in theaters as a way to bond. He thought it might help defuse some of the tension after he accidentally knocked over my framed photo of Geoff, but the movies were all terrible.

I was somewhat hopeful, because these films were billed as being able to fix my childhood and repaint my life in a positive light, giving me closure about the loss of someone more close to me than my own family, but they did not do that. The sequel-sequel trilogy is full of minorities and Mary Sues, and I had to share the couch with this fucking Larry guy who totally sucks. I objectively did not have as much fun—or feel as connected to a close, personal friend—as I did when I was younger. It’s like they didn’t even try and recapture the magic I experienced between the ages of seven and 11. No podracing, no Jar-Jar, no floating grapefruits, and no Geoff equals zero yippees from me, thank you very much. Try harder, Disney.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

5 Examples of Relationship Scorekeeping That We Knew You’d Bring up During This Fight

Posted on by Eric Navarro

I knew you’d bring that up. I could tell from the moment this fight started you had it locked and loaded, waiting for the most opportune time to bring it up and totally derail the perfect argument I was crafting to win this fight. Wait, what do you mean it’s not about winning? I’ve won six of our last seven fights so I have objective evidence that it very much is about winning. Umm, yes I did. You only won once. Ugh. Just another example of relationship scorekeeping that I knew you’d bring up during this fight. Don’t believe me? Here’s four more:

I instigate 62.75% of our fights – Go ahead. Just say it. “You start our fights most of the time.” I know you’re dying to bring that up. You’re gonna say how it typically starts when we’re watching TV or driving somewhere when something suddenly reminds me of the time you bought everyone a beer at happy hour except me, which was incredibly disrespectful and an intentional flex of your power over me in front of our friends. You piece of shit. How you could intentionally and maliciously hurt me in public is beyond me and you’re lucky I forgave you and barely ever bring it up. You’re supposed to be my partner. You’re supposed to be on my team. Our team? No, I clearly said MY team.

Plus, you’d probably claim I start even more of our fights than the number I provided. Luckily for me, I have an excel spreadsheet (okay, a Google Sheet) tracking all of our fights so my number is the most accurate. So I win. Mark another “W” for me. Actually, never mind I’ll do it myself (in my Google Sheet).

You pay for 78.46% of our bills – Oh boy, here we fucking go. This is definitely the next bit of scorekeeping you’re gonna whip out and use to smack me in the face. You always hold this one over my head. You’ll say how you’re always spending your money on us even though my parents pay for my half of our rent. You know I’m insecure about that so how could you probably bring that up?! And where was all that money you’re spending on us at the bar that one time when you bought everyone a drink except me?? Yeah, mic drop. I’m just racking up those wins.

You’ve had 11.23% more sexual partners than me – Wow. Just wow. I can’t even talk to you right now. What do you even have to say for yourself for almost certainly planning to bring that up? Nothing, huh? Yeah. I know I’m right because you haven’t said anything. Actually, you haven’t spoken in a while. Like, for days.

You fix 100% of our fights – I get it, okay?! You fix everything. You fix our fights, my insecurities, and even things around the house! I don’t know why you ever put up with me, which is probably why you left and I’ve been arguing with the other side of an empty dinner table all week. I promise I’ll change if you come back. I swear I’ll keep everything exactly the same so you’ll feel at home. Especially my Google Sheet. No, wait. Our Google Sheet.

Punk Venue’s Green Beer Not a St. Patrick’s Day Thing

Posted on by Ted Pillow

PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell patrons yelling along with a Dropkick Murphys cover band confirmed.

“Whatever. I don’t give a shit what color it is,” scene legend Rex “Blackout“ Derkins explained while staggering in circles around the pit. “If it gets you drunk, that’s all that matters… and this green poison is getting me fucking hammered. The first one went down like a cup of liquid Chernobyl, but at this point I can’t taste or smell anything anyway. Just line ‘em up and I’ll keep knocking ‘em down, no matter what fucking color they are.”

While Rocco’s Lounge is a venerable punk institution known for wild shows and cheap drinks, sources claim the venue has gone downhill in recent years.

“We barely have the money to keep this shithole running,” longtime bartender Barry Henderson confided as he served glass after glass of neon-green “ale” to a crowd of people pretending to be Irish. “I don’t know if maybe there’s something wrong with the tap, or if it’s because the only beer we can afford is from a guy who sells it in milk jugs down by the Navy Yard. Either way, people are throwing up like crazy… but that happens most nights, and probably can’t be blamed on the holiday.”

Health specialists warn that the binge-drinking associated with St. Patrick’s Day, arguably the biggest day for alcohol consumption in the U.S., is extremely dangerous.

“Unfortunately, a tremendous amount of alcohol-related injuries and deaths occur on St. Patrick’s Day,” noted U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams. “Additionally, hundreds of people become seriously ill each year from assuming that all green food and beverages are safe to consume. However, amongst punks, this is somehow a leading cause of death all year long.”

As of press time, ambulances were arriving at Rocco’s Lounge after patrons learned the hard way that the green soft pretzels served at the bar were also “not a St. Patrick’s Day thing.”

CDC Warns Americans Against Touching Mario’s Face In ‘Super Mario 64’

Posted on by JD Lowe

ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention held a press conference today explaining in detail the health risks of touching Mario’s face in Super Mario 64.

“We understand the temptation to idly play with his face, but this greatly heightens the risk of exposure, both to you and to others,” said CDC spokesperson Jeremy Mize. “We highly recommend avoiding touching Mario’s face, jumping into paintings, and joining crowded penguin belly races unless they are absolutely necessary.”

Many people, however, have ignored the warning from the CDC.

“This is total bullshit,” said Victor Bartkiewicz. “I’ve been touching Mario’s face my entire life, stretching it out as much as I want, and I’ve never been sick. If I don’t go around collecting stars, I’m just gonna go fucking crazy! So I’m gonna be out there just as much as always, stomping on goombas, and going about my day. Sorry!”

“This is absolutely a case of overreacting,” said Whomp King. “I do absolutely everything with my face and I don’t feel any symptoms at all! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lay down.”

The CDC wrapped up the conference by advising citizens to make sure they are practicing social distancing by imagining swinging Bowser around yourself instead of actually grabbing his likely coronavirus-infested tail.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Everybody Touch Your Face at the Same Time! Coronavirus Can’t Kill Us All!

Posted on by Dan Rice

Good people of America, heed my battle cry! Don’t let a so-called “pandemic” infringe on your civil liberties! Our rights are being stripped away under the guise of quarantine. Quarantine?! Since when do American’s run and hide from the enemy?!

Do not let a virus dictate where you can go, what you can do and who or how many people you can do it with! As a great man once said, “Give me liberty or give me death!” Our only option here is a giant coordinated bum rush! If we all touch our faces at the same exact time, coronavirus won’t be able to stop us all!

The government and its armies had their chance, now it’s our time! The system has failed and it is up to us! At exactly 7:04 PM Eastern Standard time tonight (America’s birthday!), I implore every American citizen to touch their face at the same time, preferably after riding a bus or other form of public transportation. Let’s show theses microscopic shit heels just who the fuck they’re messing with. Onward!

Come on people, it can’t be everywhere at once! It isn’t Santa Clause!

Look I’m not going to lie to you or sugar coat it, there will be casualties. People are going to die and our elders and precious children will be chief among the dead, sure. But their sacrifice will not be in vain! While the virus is busy mowing down the weakest and most vulnerable portions of or population the rest of us can sort of like, fight it?

OK, I haven’t gotten the second part of the plan 100% hammered out yet and honestly that’s probably for the best. We’ll improvise! Causing that level of chaos will create opportunities, we just have to seize them when they come up.

Yes, and those of us who remain in the aftermath will go on to build a better, stronger society! On the ashes of our old world, we will build a utopia! I’m thinking we could do like a “Logan’s Run” thing with lots of domes and fucking? Again, first idea, totally welcome to input.

Look it’s either this or start another god damned podcast, and nobody wants that.

CDC Issues Reminder No One Would’ve Attended Show Anyway, Scene Sucks Now

Posted on by Doug Francisco

ATLANTA — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a reminder today that no one would’ve attended a Thursday night show anyway at KTUB in Kirkland, Wash. that was canceled due to an outbreak of Coronavirus, because “the Eastside scene sucks now and hasn’t been good since 2007, if not earlier.”

“We urge everyone in King County — especially residents of Kirkland, Bellevue, and Redmond — to remember how good we used to have it,” said spokesperson Kurt Anders. “Between November 1996 and August 1997, you could’ve seen The Blood Brothers, Murder City Devils, and Modest Mouse for $15. We extend our condolences to those affected by this week’s quarantine, but the CDC urges you to put things in perspective. I mean, come on: who do you have playing up there now? Fucking nobody.”

KTUB staff were confused by the CDC’s directive.

“We understand the seriousness of the current situation, but what bothers us is the surprisingly personal criticism of Kirkland’s only all-ages venue,” said KTUB volunteer Amanda Higgs. “We understand the Pacific Northwest isn’t in the spotlight it once was, but surely they didn’t need to individually name all of our employees as ‘washed-up nobodies with no soul left for art.’ You figure they’d be trying to find a cure for this outbreak instead of talking shit about the only people here trying to keep the scene alive.”

However, the CDC did give tips for enjoying live music while in self-quarantine.

“We’ve been working to create a live music experience much like NPR’s ‘Tiny Desk’ series, and bands from these canceled shows will stream acoustic sets live on the CDC website. So if you want to pretend to care about live music, just log in and enjoy,” said CDC events coordinator Andy Kunchenko. “If not, you might as well go physically destroy the venues you’ve destroyed with your apathy. Bust open KTUB’s change machine: the money inside is filthy, but it’ll spend, and no one can stop you now.”

The CDC noted that the only scene which may be negatively impacted by COVID-19 is Detroit, because “those fuckers know what it’s like to struggle for something, and they’re still putting shit out that rips.”

Photo by by NIH Image Gallery.

Conan O’Brien Releases Yet Another Chapter in Despicable Anti-Gamer Propaganda Series

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Comedian and talk show host Conan O’Brien has released another episode of his Clueless Gamer series, opening a new chapter in his book of disgusting anti-gamer propaganda.

“Hold on, I’m some green guy? What is this, the Jolly Green Giant video game?” asked O’Brien at the start of his cruel video, Clueless Gamer: Halo 2, despite having done separate videos for Halo 4 and Halo 5. “I don’t respect this game, I don’t respect the people who made this game, and I certainly don’t respect anyone who has ever played this game.”

Ron Porter, the President of the AGDL (Anti-Gamer-Defamation League), held a press conference to quickly condemn the newest O’Brien video following public outcry.

“Considering that gamers are one of the most oppressed groups of people in this country, it sickens me to my stomach that someone would be ‘clueless’ about our culture. And that’s not just because my stomach is filled with Doritos and Mountain Dew,” Porter said. “The deep irony is that gamer discrimination affects us all. Not unlike Hitler discovering he was part-Jewish, I am sure Mr. O’Brien would be similarly devastated to find he has a small part in Hideo Kojima’s Death Stranding. An attack on gamers is an attack on us all.”

Despite reports of horrific anti-gamer discrimination in the Conan office, some employees have spoken out about the way they have been treated.

“I downloaded Bejeweled on my phone and it’s actually pretty fun,” said a Conan sidekick who wished to remain anonymous. “I was kinda forced to get into it because I’m not given enough to do around here. And wouldn’t you know it? Conan immediately started ridiculing me in front of the rest of the staff. This place makes me sick.”

At press time, O’Brien doubled down on his anti-gaming propaganda, ridiculing employee Matt Gourley on his podcast Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, who may or may not be a gamer, but probably is.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I Will Take Enough Shrooms to Reason With Coronavirus

Posted on by Mark Bouchard

We’re at a crossroads here, and I don’t believe that social distancing is going to save us. Sure, I think the CDC has its heart in the right place, but you can’t just avoid your problems — especially when they’re all around you. I don’t think COVID-19 is something that can be fought, either. It’s not like it’s a bear, or an eagle, it’s a virus. I’ve never seen a pair of boxing gloves small enough to square up against something like that. That only leaves us one option: to reason with it.

So far, we know that the Coronavirus does not speak Chinese, Korean, Italian, Spanish, or English. That’s most of the languages, and frankly I don’t think we have time to see if it knows the other two. That’s why I am proposing that we try and reason with it via the universal language: shrooms.

Have you ever taken shrooms? They strengthen your connection to all of Mother Earth’s creatures, including viruses. We can’t just stamp out our brother because he is causing us problems, we need to first understand why he’s ailing.

Here’s the plan: I take a bunch of shrooms, like, three-quarters of an ounce, maybe an ounce-and-a-half, minimum, and tune into the virus as I peak. If I was able to discover three new colors and stare into an open campfire without burning or pissing myself, I’m confident I can figure out what the Coronavirus wants, and how we can best come to a compromise to get it to stop.

The number of at-risk individuals in this nation is too high. We’re already seeing stores sold out of the essentials. It is imperative that we come to an agreement with the Coronavirus, unless we’d like to turn into another Italy. I will do everything in my spiritual power to prevent us from sharing a fate with those oily-faced pasta-slurpers. I am positive that COVID-19 and I can come to an understanding.

Just to be safe, better throw in some Molly and cocaine. The virus and I have a lot to talk about.

Hardcore Saint Patrick Drives Snakes Out of Scene

Posted on by Doug Francisco

FITCHBURG, Mass. — 32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds of years ago in Ireland, pious sources confirm.

“I was up on stage talking about scene unity when I looked out and realized how many fake fucking snakes there were out there — dudes who are your buddy one minute, then the next they’re calling the cops on you for accidentally hitting them with your car. It’s fucked,” said Phillips while wiping blood off a collection of miniature baseball bats. “This scene can’t police itself, and that’s why I had to get rid of these clowns.”

Leominster punk Paul Serino was shocked to find himself on the receiving end of the purge this past week.

“I’m not really sure what I did, but Justin really seemed to have it out for me — told me if I showed my face at another show he’d ‘kick my ass raw,'” Serino said. “I dunno. I’m 35, I’m too old to be going to these shows anyway. Actually, I think that might actually be one of the reasons he might be mad: I know his new band kind of sucks, so maybe he’s pissed nobody is coming out to the shows and thinking that’s a scumbag move.”

“Whatever, he’s no saint,” Serino added. “He made out with his roommate’s girlfriend when his roommate was in the hospital with kidney stones.”

Orla Walsh, a professor of Irish history at Boston College, said there’s some evidence to suggest the original Saint Patrick may have been up to something similar.

“We now think the snakes Saint Patrick drove out of Ireland were more metaphorical than previously thought,” she said via phone Wednesday. “We’ve recently discovered a fifth-century illuminated manuscript, which depicts Saint Patrick’s enemies running back to the Pope to tell on him for what appears to be a pretty gnarly rager. This would explain why the phrase ‘snitches get stitches’ has been long attributed to Saint Patrick.”

Phillips is allegedly planning a second purge to “get rid of that asshole who killed the scene.”

UFC to Introduce Items

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LAS VEGAS — UFC president Dana White has announced that certain matches put on by the mixed martial arts promotion will soon feature randomized item drops throughout the contest, to make things interesting and give all fighters a fair shot. 

“We want UFC to be accessible to everybody,” said White at a press conference earlier today. “And we will continue to have non-item matches on our cards, so that MMA purists may still get the raw hand-to-hand combat they enjoy, but some of our more casual fans would really like to see these guys get their hands on some mallets and flame throwers. I know I would!”

The announcement comes following months of rumors circulating about the decision being made. The controversial altering to the traditional UFC card has received mixed reactions online thus far.

“Ugh, ITEMS?!” read a post from a user named JackedBauer on Reddit. “Ridiculous. You are turning something based on training and skill into a complete roll of the dice. Not to mention the ethics of unleashing certain wild animals into the cage. What’s to say these Pokémon won’t go after the referee or even the fighter that has summoned them? What a disaster.” 

Some aging UFC fighters have welcomed the rule change, seeing the advantage posed by brandishing weapons as a possible leveller of the odds. 

“Oh man, I will 100 percent take on Tyson Fury if there is a chance I might get my hands on a Donkey Kong mallet or something,” said Ken Shamrock, 56-year-old UFC retiree and Hall of Fame inductee. “My knees are shit, and I don’t move so quickly anymore, but I think a laser gun or a huge fucking drill might really help my odds in there. I’ve been getting back into fighting shape by beating this punching bag with a baseball bat. I think I’m ready!”

Items will make their debut in the upcoming UFC 249 pay-per-view event. White did not comment on the rumors that fights would soon include up to eight participants.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

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