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Opinion: Everybody Touch Your Face at the Same Time! Coronavirus Can’t Kill Us All!

Good people of America, heed my battle cry! Don’t let a so-called “pandemic” infringe on your civil liberties! Our rights are being stripped away under the guise of quarantine. Quarantine?! Since when do American’s run and hide from the enemy?!

Do not let a virus dictate where you can go, what you can do and who or how many people you can do it with! As a great man once said, “Give me liberty or give me death!” Our only option here is a giant coordinated bum rush! If we all touch our faces at the same exact time, coronavirus won’t be able to stop us all!

The government and its armies had their chance, now it’s our time! The system has failed and it is up to us! At exactly 7:04 PM Eastern Standard time tonight (America’s birthday!), I implore every American citizen to touch their face at the same time, preferably after riding a bus or other form of public transportation. Let’s show theses microscopic shit heels just who the fuck they’re messing with. Onward!

Come on people, it can’t be everywhere at once! It isn’t Santa Clause!

Look I’m not going to lie to you or sugar coat it, there will be casualties. People are going to die and our elders and precious children will be chief among the dead, sure. But their sacrifice will not be in vain! While the virus is busy mowing down the weakest and most vulnerable portions of or population the rest of us can sort of like, fight it?

OK, I haven’t gotten the second part of the plan 100% hammered out yet and honestly that’s probably for the best. We’ll improvise! Causing that level of chaos will create opportunities, we just have to seize them when they come up.

Yes, and those of us who remain in the aftermath will go on to build a better, stronger society! On the ashes of our old world, we will build a utopia! I’m thinking we could do like a “Logan’s Run” thing with lots of domes and fucking? Again, first idea, totally welcome to input.

Look it’s either this or start another god damned podcast, and nobody wants that.