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I Will Take Enough Shrooms to Reason With Coronavirus

We’re at a crossroads here, and I don’t believe that social distancing is going to save us. Sure, I think the CDC has its heart in the right place, but you can’t just avoid your problems — especially when they’re all around you. I don’t think COVID-19 is something that can be fought, either. It’s not like it’s a bear, or an eagle, it’s a virus. I’ve never seen a pair of boxing gloves small enough to square up against something like that. That only leaves us one option: to reason with it.

So far, we know that the Coronavirus does not speak Chinese, Korean, Italian, Spanish, or English. That’s most of the languages, and frankly I don’t think we have time to see if it knows the other two. That’s why I am proposing that we try and reason with it via the universal language: shrooms.

Have you ever taken shrooms? They strengthen your connection to all of Mother Earth’s creatures, including viruses. We can’t just stamp out our brother because he is causing us problems, we need to first understand why he’s ailing.

Here’s the plan: I take a bunch of shrooms, like, three-quarters of an ounce, maybe an ounce-and-a-half, minimum, and tune into the virus as I peak. If I was able to discover three new colors and stare into an open campfire without burning or pissing myself, I’m confident I can figure out what the Coronavirus wants, and how we can best come to a compromise to get it to stop.

The number of at-risk individuals in this nation is too high. We’re already seeing stores sold out of the essentials. It is imperative that we come to an agreement with the Coronavirus, unless we’d like to turn into another Italy. I will do everything in my spiritual power to prevent us from sharing a fate with those oily-faced pasta-slurpers. I am positive that COVID-19 and I can come to an understanding.

Just to be safe, better throw in some Molly and cocaine. The virus and I have a lot to talk about.