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Hardcore Saint Patrick Drives Snakes Out of Scene

FITCHBURG, Mass. — 32-year-old hardcore kid Justin Phillips is driving the “snakes” out of his local scene just as the original Saint Patrick did hundreds of years ago in Ireland, pious sources confirm.

“I was up on stage talking about scene unity when I looked out and realized how many fake fucking snakes there were out there — dudes who are your buddy one minute, then the next they’re calling the cops on you for accidentally hitting them with your car. It’s fucked,” said Phillips while wiping blood off a collection of miniature baseball bats. “This scene can’t police itself, and that’s why I had to get rid of these clowns.”

Leominster punk Paul Serino was shocked to find himself on the receiving end of the purge this past week.

“I’m not really sure what I did, but Justin really seemed to have it out for me — told me if I showed my face at another show he’d ‘kick my ass raw,'” Serino said. “I dunno. I’m 35, I’m too old to be going to these shows anyway. Actually, I think that might actually be one of the reasons he might be mad: I know his new band kind of sucks, so maybe he’s pissed nobody is coming out to the shows and thinking that’s a scumbag move.”

“Whatever, he’s no saint,” Serino added. “He made out with his roommate’s girlfriend when his roommate was in the hospital with kidney stones.”

Orla Walsh, a professor of Irish history at Boston College, said there’s some evidence to suggest the original Saint Patrick may have been up to something similar.

“We now think the snakes Saint Patrick drove out of Ireland were more metaphorical than previously thought,” she said via phone Wednesday. “We’ve recently discovered a fifth-century illuminated manuscript, which depicts Saint Patrick’s enemies running back to the Pope to tell on him for what appears to be a pretty gnarly rager. This would explain why the phrase ‘snitches get stitches’ has been long attributed to Saint Patrick.”

Phillips is allegedly planning a second purge to “get rid of that asshole who killed the scene.”