PHILADELPHIA — St. Patrick’s Day revelers at Rocco’s Lounge realized moments ago that the green beer they’re drinking is not a holiday gimmick, visibly unwell patrons yelling along with a Dropkick Murphys cover band confirmed.
“Whatever. I don’t give a shit what color it is,” scene legend Rex “Blackout“ Derkins explained while staggering in circles around the pit. “If it gets you drunk, that’s all that matters… and this green poison is getting me fucking hammered. The first one went down like a cup of liquid Chernobyl, but at this point I can’t taste or smell anything anyway. Just line ‘em up and I’ll keep knocking ‘em down, no matter what fucking color they are.”
While Rocco’s Lounge is a venerable punk institution known for wild shows and cheap drinks, sources claim the venue has gone downhill in recent years.
“We barely have the money to keep this shithole running,” longtime bartender Barry Henderson confided as he served glass after glass of neon-green “ale” to a crowd of people pretending to be Irish. “I don’t know if maybe there’s something wrong with the tap, or if it’s because the only beer we can afford is from a guy who sells it in milk jugs down by the Navy Yard. Either way, people are throwing up like crazy… but that happens most nights, and probably can’t be blamed on the holiday.”
Health specialists warn that the binge-drinking associated with St. Patrick’s Day, arguably the biggest day for alcohol consumption in the U.S., is extremely dangerous.
“Unfortunately, a tremendous amount of alcohol-related injuries and deaths occur on St. Patrick’s Day,” noted U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams. “Additionally, hundreds of people become seriously ill each year from assuming that all green food and beverages are safe to consume. However, amongst punks, this is somehow a leading cause of death all year long.”
As of press time, ambulances were arriving at Rocco’s Lounge after patrons learned the hard way that the green soft pretzels served at the bar were also “not a St. Patrick’s Day thing.”