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Boss Working from Panic Room Doesn’t See Why You Can’t Go Into Office Today

CHICAGO — Local executive Reginald Dixon sent a company-wide email from the security of his HEPA-filtered panic room moments ago stating that the Coronavirus threat is “overblown” and that all employees are expected to report to work in the morning, worried sources confirmed.

“Two people in the office already showed advanced signs of the virus and announced they would be self-quarantining and working from home,” said administrative assistant Rachel Sims. “But after getting this email, apparently they’re returning to work in the morning. [Dixon] said he’d gladly go into work himself, but his kids’ ‘cowardly liberal school’ closed down and he needs to be home with them.”

“A lot of us don’t know what to do with our kids, but the boss-man suggested we bring them to the office and let them play in the conference room,” agreed sales rep Jan DiVita. “The worst part was the signature line literally read, ‘Sent via iPhone from a Turvallinen brand panic room.’”

Dixon explained why he would not extend the same work flexibility he enjoys to his employees.

“These leeches just want a paid vacation,” Dixon said via speaker from within his steel fortress. “While I’ve allowed any employee designated Vice President and above to work remotely, for all other employees, it’s business as usual. Our office should be the safest place in the city considering no one else is downtown anymore — I have remote cameras placed around the office that I’ll be monitoring from within the safety of… from my home, to ensure employees show up to work.”

When reached, Human Resources Director Albert Tate slid a statement through the hatch of his backyard bunker.

“The health and safety of our employees is paramount, but we believe that if we interrupt life as usual, then the virus has already won,” the statement read. “We have taken every precaution necessary to ensure a clean workplace by buying a big bottle of Purell and asking that anyone exhibiting symptoms of the virus not come into the office, provided they have a positive Coronavirus test from a certified testing center result. Anyone who fails to follow these measures is at risk of being laid off.”

As of press time, Dixon had eaten all of his emergency rations and demanded his assistant go to Costco to buy more.