WASHINGTON — Democratic presidential frontrunner Joseph R. Biden Jr. allegedly checked in with former President Barack Obama ahead of an upcoming debate to get his opinion on some du rag and tie combinations for wardrobe.
“These hoes are hell-bent on destroying my image, trying to frame me as some old guy out of touch with the African-American community,” Biden reportedly told his advisers before lighting a Black and Mild cigar. “Well, listen here, Jack: I ain’t about to let these jive busters play me. The brothers and sisters still love Uncle Joe. Believe dat.”
News footage caught Biden leaving Obama’s home holding two Gucci duffle bags while wearing a royal blue du rag with a matching “No Limit” jersey, baggy denim shorts and a pair of Timberlands.
“Joe’s going through a lot right now — those ‘Calm Down Joe’ memes really got to his head,” said President Obama. “I told him it was a bad idea to seek the nomination, but he insisted it’s ‘what the people want.’ In all honesty, I don’t think he’s been preparing for the debates… or even considered what the actual job entails. He’s just hungry for the attention at this point.”
Campaign manager Greg Schultz confirmed that Biden and Obama still talk almost daily, and elaborated on their campaign’s strategy going into the third debate.
“I… I have no idea what the hell is going on. He won’t listen to me. He won’t listen to anybody,” a visibly panicked Schultz revealed. “Kamala [Harris] killed him in the first debate, everybody got in shots during the second debate, and now we have the ‘Poor kids are as good as white kids’ debacle to deal with. He spends more time researching how to be like Shannon Sharpe than he does reviewing his speeches.”
“Four years ago, I’d be convinced we’re absolutely fucked but, in 2019, we’re still somehow in the lead,” Schultz added. “I don’t understand how, but my job is to win so, like, whatever.”
Not to be outdone, fellow candidate John Delaney reportedly leaned hard into his Bill Dauterive from “King of The Hill” aesthetic by drinking multiple beers by himself in residential alleys across America.