Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Novelty Zelda Wallet Only Holds a Maximum of $99

Posted on March 12, 2020 by Jimmy Beliakoff

NEW YORK — Upon returning from a shopping trip to the Rockefeller Center Nintendo shop, gaming enthusiast Amy Weiss was dismayed to discover that her new novelty The Legend of Zelda wallet only holds a maximum of 99 dollars.

“I felt like somebody had pulled some kind of magic trick on me,” Weiss said, recalling the events with a flustered look on her face. “I transferred all of my cash from my old wallet into the new one, something like $160 bucks in $20’s, but when I went to pay my cab driver later that night all I found was 99 dollar bills! I don’t know how to feel about it. On one hand I’m continuously impressed by the detail and quality of Nintendo products, but on the other hand, what the fuck Nintendo? Where’s my other $61?”

According to those familiar with the situation, Weiss was unable to figure out how the wallet functions.

“How does it work, and why? It is a mystery,” said Weiss’ roommate Kristen Birch stoically while inspecting the wallet. “Nintendo somehow manages to be a decade behind in online play and console power, but at the same time they have access to this technology, whatever it is. Is it sorcery? Witchcraft? The power of the Triforce itself? Fuck if I know, but we keep putting money inside of it to test it out and now we’re down about two hundred dollars from trying to figure it out.”

“I reached out to Nintendo,” Weiss continued, “and they suggested purchasing a larger wallet. It holds more money but it’s the same size. What?!”

At press time, Nintendo apologized to customers who purchased the wallet and offered to send fans a free prototype of their new tunic that fits multiple arrows, bombs, weapons, masks, and a boomerang, without changing appearance.

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Pansexual Bareback Fuckfest Canceled Over Coronavirus Concerns

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Dan Rice

ATLANTA — Patrons of Leatherman’s Bluff Sex Emporium were cresfallen today upon learning that Dark Spectrum, the clubs monthly “anything goes” no-condoms-allowed orgy will be postponed due to coronavirus fears.

“It is with a heavy heart that I announce the cancelation of this Friday’s planned debauchery,” said club master Garth Shadowmane on the event’s Facebook page. “Until we can assure that our carnal festivals of raw, bacchanal pleasure will not expose our clientele of doms, subs, gimps, and leather puppies to the coronavirus, precautions must be taken.”

While the Atlanta kink community expressed overwhelming disappointment with the cancelation, most seemed to at least understand that the decision is for the best.

“I was all set to get my unprotected freak on this Friday,” lamented longtime Leatherman’s patron Gimpscum, “but when I’m on my knees in front of a hole in the wall eagerly waiting to service whatever unsheathed member pokes it’s way though, the last thing I want to be thinking is ‘will this get my grandmother sick?’”

“There are only two holes on my body I’m not looking to get stuffed, and those are my nose holes,” commented scene veteran John Letizia. “Coronavirus? No thanks. Oh and in case it wasn’t clear from my joke, I am open to ear stuff, DM me.”

Still, a small minority of the sex club’s clientel critized the move as an overreaction.

“I’m not afraid of some damned cough!” tweeted SadoNinja844 to the clubs account, adding “Trust me, I’ve caught way worse things than the flu at Leatherman’s.”

Some fuckfest goers even expressed concern that the orgy’s postponement would have negative consequences on their health.

“The buffet at Leatherman’s Fuck Zoo has become an important staple of my diet,” said pony-play enthusiast David Kershman. “I can’t afford fish at other places. This will have very serious political consequences.”

Shadowmane, however, assured patrons that festivities would resume at the earliest possible time.

“It is our sincere hope that taking measures like this will help control the virus by the summer solstice, as that is the ideal time for the chosen whore to conceive the carnaly begotten moon child that will topple the kingdom of Jehovah once and for all. Until then, wash your hands… and everything else, too.”

Lazy Roommate Tries to Pass off Not Doing Laundry as Saving the Environment

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Nyda Ahmad

KANSAS CITY — Local slob Donna McKenny agitated her roommates again yesterday with her claim that the mounting piles of dirty clothing in their apartment is her way of conserving water, disgusted sources report.

“Laundry is so tiring… I mean, wasteful. All that water going down the drain, and for what? Just so my underwear doesn’t stink? I don’t care, and I’m the one wearing them, so I don’t see what the big deal is,” said McKenny, almost toppling off a pile of dirty clothes on which she was lounging. “And if they start to stink past the point of no return, you can just buy new clothes. My roommates just aren’t environmenters like me, I guess. I want to be more like that Gretto Thenborger girI and do my part.”

“In fact, I care so much, I’ve stopped doing my dishes as well,” she added. “You know you can eat four or five meals off of the same plate, right?”

McKenny’s roommate Luke O’Shea lamented the once-clean apartment.

“Everyday it’s the same bullshit. Her filth covers every inch of free space,” said O’Shea, tiptoeing around multiple piles of what could be dirty socks. “I can’t bring friends or dates over because this place looks like a garbage truck crashed into a Goodwill donation box. Plus, if someone does come over, Donna shames them for wearing clean clothes and smelling good. The other day, she didn’t flush, and when I confronted her, she tried to sell me this spiel about how we shouldn’t flush until the bowl is full to the top so we can conserve water.”

Environmental scientist Emma Russell believes that McKenny’s efforts are doing little to help with climate change, and offered concrete advice on ways to reduce your carbon footprint.

“I would take McKenny and her conservation techniques more seriously if I wasn’t fully aware that she often spends her days pounding beers in a plastic pool in her backyard with the hose running the entire time,” said Russell. “How do I know this? Because she’s my neighbor and her house attracts rats which have taken up residence in my basement, and I’ve had to call an exterminator five times. None of this is good for the environment. Just clean up after yourself.”

McKenny was last seen “recycling” the copper pipes in her apartment walls and trading them for weed.

Gamer’s Health Care Plan Mainly Jumping Head First Into Red Heart Logo Outside CVS

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Grant Mulitz

DULUTH, Minn. — Claiming it’s been the cheapest and most accessible health power-up since getting kicked off of his parents’ insurance, recently concussed gamer Amrit Naranayan, 28, has found the best medical care plan available to him is jumping head-first into the big red heart-shaped logo outside a local CVS store.

“Private insurance is too expensive, and none of my doctors will take Medicaid, but luckily I’ve been repeatedly propelling myself into the giant stamina boost in the pharmacy parking lot here,” said the severely bruised Naranayan, insisting the dive straight into the plastic sign would work. “No copays, and no matter how many dents I’ve made in it, it always replenishes like new whenever I come back!”

Many gamers struggling to find affordable, comprehensive health coverage have discovered viable alternatives colliding with health pickups around their neighborhoods. In addition to the heart-shaped CVS pharmacy logo, gamers across the country have also found been reportedly running into the American Red Cross symbol, the window outside the American Heart Association, and the flag of Switzerland.

“Affording pharmaceutical drugs has always been a challenge for lower-income Americans, but an increasingly popular alternative for many who can’t pay for care is to ram themselves into whatever looks like it could be a med-pack,” said Deborah Helms, a representative for the United States Department of Health and Human Services.

At press time, Naranayan was sitting amongst a pile of his own teeth beneath the now blood-spattered CVS sign, waiting for the power-up’s effects to heal his multiple blunt contusions.

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Opinion: When I Grow up and Stab a Bad Guy Into a Wall, I Hope I Have the Presence of Mind to Quip “Stick Around”

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Dan Rice

Ever since I saw that documentary “Predator” I knew I wanted to be a super elite army guy. I train every day so I will grow up to be big and strong just like Dutch and I’m getting pretty good at smoking. There’s just one aspect of the mercenary life that frightens me; saying cool things after you brutally murder a bad guy.

Sometimes I just worry that when the moment comes, I won’t be able to deliver. I can see it all so clearly in my mind:

I’m all grown up, big muscular arms, bad ass paramilitary outfit, cigar in mouth prowling through the jungle to see where the bad guys live. I find them easily using my tracking skills and silently give signals to my team of commandos, one of which is a Native American and we respect each other a lot.

My team is in position waiting for me to give the signal. We have planned this ambush for weeks, but at the last second I decide to do something completely different because I’m a genius badass.

I sneak up behind a bad guy on a motorcycle and snap his neck easily. I put one of my many bombs onto the motorcycle and kick it down into the bad guys’ main base and it blows up.

My teammates are completely taken off guard by this. They say things like “That crazy son of a bitch!” but like the way they say it you can tell they know it was a sick move and they have a lot of admiration for me. They start firing their big guns wildly but I just go in with my big ass hunting knife because this time it’s personal or something.

I burst into a bad guy house and there is a drug dude there being mean to a really hot babe. I surprise him. Apparently this guy didn’t get the memo about me blowing up all of his friends 100 feet away. He lunges at me and I stab him, easily piercing through his entire torso and suspending his dead body into the wall behind him with my enormous knife.

It’s time to say something smart and funny before hunting down the rest of the terrorists or whatever, and I know just the thing. Guy stuck to a wall, this is a no brainer. Then I open my mouth but the words, they just don’t come…

Suddenly I’m off my game. I know it’s something like “hang in there” or “hold on” but it’s neither of those and in my panic I stammer the words “hold in there” unable to stop myself. My confidence deflates. I am no longer bad ass enough to fight a bunch of machine gun guys off with a knife and a domineering attitude. I am shot at until I explode.

That’s usually the part where I wake up in a cold sweat. I’ve stabbed like nine people so far but still can’t get over my fear. I guess it’s true what they say about public speaking. Should I try an open mic?

Liquor Stolen from Parents Already Diluted to Mostly Water by Older Sister

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Laurie Storrie

LANSING, Mich. — Local 13-year-old Malcolm Woods’ attempt at drunken debauchery last night ended in disappointment after realizing the bottle of vodka he stole from his parents had been replaced with water by his older sister months prior, completely sober sources confirmed.

“It was the perfect plan: I went for the vodka over the whisky, because I could replace it with tap water and it wouldn’t change the color,” said Woods from his suburban basement. “Plus, my uncle says whisky puts hair on your chest… and maybe that was cool in 1965, but I don’t want to be a hairy 13-year-old in 2020. Anyway, everything was going smoothly until my friends and I realized that the Snapple bottle of vodka I had was almost empty, and we all felt normal. Nobody was puking or anything.”

“My friend Benny Kosta said he felt a little bit of a buzz,” added Woods, “but I think he was lying to seem cool.”

Indeed, Woods’ friends were not enthused by the “alcoholic” drinks he prepared.

“The whole night was crap from the start. I tried to tell Malcolm that half a pint of vodka wouldn’t get five of us drunk, but he kept insisting that he’d done it before and it was going to be a great time,” said Jennifer McInnes, a classmate and now ex-friend of Woods. “I knew something was wrong from the first sip: it tasted like green tea, and not at all like paint thinner. He claimed it was because his parents only buy really good vodka, but most of his clothes are from Target — I know they don’t have that kind of money.”

Felicia Woods, Malcolm’s 16-year-old sister, claimed responsibility for the missing vodka.

“That bottle hasn’t had vodka in for two years,” laughed the older Woods sibling through her snake bite piercings and black lipstick. “At this point, the bottle of rum in there is mostly pancake syrup, too. I do feel a little bad that I ruined Mal’s night, but it absolutely makes up for how much more tolerable my parents have been since they started unknowingly drinking mock-tails every day.”

After several illnesses due to similar incidents, the Michigan Department of Health now recommends using only bottled water to dilute your parents’ liquor.

Dungeon Master Finally Writes Perfect Campaign, Distributes Scripts to Players

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Jay Miller

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — Dungeon Master Daniel Hyde recently finished writing his ideal D&D campaign and released the final draft of its script to his players, according to sources familiar with the situation.

“I’ve done it,” said Hyde. “I’ve authored the greatest campaign imaginable, and as long as everyone memorizes their characters’ lines before our next game, absolutely nothing can go wrong.”

While most members of the party lauded the plot, characters, and overall writing therein, they were also baffled and frustrated by the lack of room left for the players to impact the story. Members of Hyde’s Sunday tabletop group reflected these sentiments.

“It definitely caught us all off guard,” said Allison Wilcox, one of Hyde’s regular players. “We all love D&D because we get to roleplay, solve puzzles and participate in an interactive story. The script Dan sent us doesn’t leave room for any of that. It includes the predetermined results of our rolls and even what we’re supposed to say out of character and when we can go to the bathroom and stuff. I’ve had DMs railroad games before, but this is next-level.”

Wilcox wasn’t the only player that took issue with the game’s script. Hyde’s retroactive changes to already-rolled characters reportedly drew ire from many regular players.

“This is bullshit,” said Jordan Bank, the player cast as Hjolnus Dumminer. “I spent hours writing a tragic backstory for my Drow Warlock and now I’m expected to play a Dwarven Fighter because Dan thinks it makes for a better story? Aster Morin would have been a beautiful, albeit flawed character with a strong moral compass but I guess I’m stuck playing a Mountain Dwarf that’s aroused by gemstones. I don’t want to be aroused by gemstones!”

At press time, Hyde had begun the campaign before all the players had arrived, performing the parts of the absent players.

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Sad: This Teen Started Smoking Cigarettes and Doesn’t Even Look Cool Doing It

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Zach Raffio

It’s stories like these that just break your heart.

As a former smoker myself, I know how dangerous cigarettes can be in both a physical and mental capacity, not just to the person smoking, but to their loved ones and even casual acquaintances. So imagine how upset I was when I saw Terrence, the sweet 15-year old boy who lives down the street from me, with good grades, good parents and a proper upbringing, smoking cigarettes in his driveway and, honestly, looking really friggin’ lame while doing it.

It’s just such a shame to see such wasted potential like this. What’s the point of doing something so awful for you if you can’t even lean against a car and look like hot shit doing it? I can’t imagine what his parents are going through.

Sadly, Terrence is not an anomaly. A recent study out of MIT suggests that over 73% of teens who start smoking this year look like absolute fucking cops while doing so, up 15% from last year alone. The study also points out that almost 50% of them hold the cigarette between the wrong fingers. I mean, come on. What the fuck is that?

I often hear parents around the neighborhood discuss how their kids being shitty at smoking has driven a stake through their family system.

– “She has no idea how bad this is for her – nobody’s gonna want to hang when she gets it college if she looks so uncomfortable.”

– “He used to be a promising athlete, but now he just stands weird while struggling to light his cig cause it’s windy out. Not even really windy, just a little windy.”

– “I caught our oldest, Tom, sneaking a butt behind the shed last night when he thought we were asleep. He was barely even inhaling! I can’t believe my son turned out to be such a dork”

Quotes like these are becoming more frequent as more and more teens continue to look like suckass dumbshit idiots while smoking. It just breaks my heart to see an entire generation wasted by looking like total dweebs instead of cool, mysterious and romantic, like back in my day. Truly a shame.

Still, no matter how dumb they look with a cigarette, I think we can all take comfort in knowing that it’s still infinitely cooler than literally any vape.

Touring Band Makes Bass Player Order Off Kids Menu

Posted on March 11, 2020 by James Knapp

BALTIMORE — Touring garage-rock band Bananther reportedly made bassist Mike Sutherland order off the Denny’s kids’ menu in an effort to cut spending costs after a recent gig, fussy sources confirmed.

“We finished our set and wanted a decent meal before we hit the road again,” said Sutherland in a huff. “But when we got to Denny’s, all the other guys said I had to say I was under 11 so we could get a discount. I was gonna order the chicken fingers with a side of mac and cheese anyway, but this is just humiliating — I’m a grown man. I have a debit card, for Christ’s sake. I should be allowed to order from the regular menu like anyone else.”

Bananther’s lead singer Joey Knight explained why the band made Sutherland settle for a child’s meal.

“Look, touring’s tough, and our budget is real fucking tight. We gotta do whatever we can to save money for gas and malt liquor,” said Knight. “We didn’t really want to single the guy out, but if it was gonna be any of us, it should be him. Bass players are already basically just tall toddlers, and they kinda give off this ‘invisible’ vibe, so we’re hoping no one notices he’s actually a 27-year-old adult man. He can order off the big-boy menu when he learns to play a big-boy guitar.”

Server Joseline McKenzie was skeptical that Sutherland qualified for the kids’ menu, however.

“No way is that guy 9 years old. He has a full beard!” McKenzie exclaimed. “I already know they’re gonna stiff me on the tip, but I’d appreciate it if they at least didn’t insult my intelligence.”

“They asked for a crayon pack so [Sutherland] could do the maze on the placemat,” McKenzie added. “Was that just them trying to sell this whole thing, or is he recovering from some kind of head injury? Because he seemed really excited about the blue crayon.”

Witnesses report Sutherland was not allowed to have dessert until he finished all of his applesauce.

Hayao Miyazaki Releases Annual Schedule of Retirement Announcements

Posted on March 11, 2020 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

TOKYO — Acclaimed anime director Hayao Miyazaki has recently released an annual schedule of when he’ll be coming in and out of retirement from his work on feature films.

“In order to keep my fans and my fellow filmmakers informed, I have decided to come up with these timeframes and post them publicly,” read the update on the Studio Ghibli website written by Miyazaki, originally posted in Japanese. “I hope that this transparency over whenever I’ll be sick of making anime and when I find hope for the art form again will help in the future. Thank you for both your continued support and also your support throughout the years until the end of my career.”

Time slots for each “retirement block” vary, and will be updated toward the end of every year, with some lasting for several months at a time while others will only last merely days or weeks. During these blocks, Miyazaki also plans to halt his payroll and remove his name from the employee list until he decides to end his retirement, as per the schedule. In the statement, Miyazaki also mentions that these blocks are different from regular vacation days and paid time off, which he’ll still be taking from time to time.

Ghibli’s general manager, Toshio Suzuki, has since gone on record as both eagerly awaiting Miyazaki’s return to the studio and looking forward to what the future has in store for him outside of it.

“Miyazaki-san will be sorely missed,” Suzuki said about his long-time colleague. “But as his era comes to a close, we here at Studio Ghibli realize that all good things must come to an end. Including his retirement, which will also end. So we look forward to working with him for years to come.”

As of press time, Studio Ghibli’s official Twitter account has also confirmed that Miyazaki’s scheduled retirement blocks will in no way affect the bi-monthly rumors of his death.

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