LANSING, Mich. — Local 13-year-old Malcolm Woods’ attempt at drunken debauchery last night ended in disappointment after realizing the bottle of vodka he stole from his parents had been replaced with water by his older sister months prior, completely sober sources confirmed.
“It was the perfect plan: I went for the vodka over the whisky, because I could replace it with tap water and it wouldn’t change the color,” said Woods from his suburban basement. “Plus, my uncle says whisky puts hair on your chest… and maybe that was cool in 1965, but I don’t want to be a hairy 13-year-old in 2020. Anyway, everything was going smoothly until my friends and I realized that the Snapple bottle of vodka I had was almost empty, and we all felt normal. Nobody was puking or anything.”
“My friend Benny Kosta said he felt a little bit of a buzz,” added Woods, “but I think he was lying to seem cool.”
Indeed, Woods’ friends were not enthused by the “alcoholic” drinks he prepared.
“The whole night was crap from the start. I tried to tell Malcolm that half a pint of vodka wouldn’t get five of us drunk, but he kept insisting that he’d done it before and it was going to be a great time,” said Jennifer McInnes, a classmate and now ex-friend of Woods. “I knew something was wrong from the first sip: it tasted like green tea, and not at all like paint thinner. He claimed it was because his parents only buy really good vodka, but most of his clothes are from Target — I know they don’t have that kind of money.”
Felicia Woods, Malcolm’s 16-year-old sister, claimed responsibility for the missing vodka.
“That bottle hasn’t had vodka in for two years,” laughed the older Woods sibling through her snake bite piercings and black lipstick. “At this point, the bottle of rum in there is mostly pancake syrup, too. I do feel a little bad that I ruined Mal’s night, but it absolutely makes up for how much more tolerable my parents have been since they started unknowingly drinking mock-tails every day.”
After several illnesses due to similar incidents, the Michigan Department of Health now recommends using only bottled water to dilute your parents’ liquor.