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“Big Things on the Horizon,” Posts Friend About to Ask Everyone for Money

CHICAGO — Friends and family of local “all-around artist” Will Bell braced themselves today after Bell posted a cryptic message on Facebook claiming he had “big things on the horizon,” knowing fully he was about to request money for whatever new project he’s planning.

“Every three months or so, he posts something like this,” said Facebook friend Julie Mazur, who hasn’t spoken to Bell in person since high school. “And then, about a day later, he’s set up a GoFundMe, Indiegogo, and some Facebook fundraiser asking for $3,000 for a band, or a theater company, or a podcast. I have no idea what this next one will be, but it will probably have to do with making art out of repurposed pallets or some shit.”

Bell, who most say is always “manically excited” about some kind of project he’s never ready to talk about, is known to abandon ideas long before they come to fruition. In fact, 100% of Bell’s previously successfully funded projects never saw the light of day, but the money was never returned.

“I know I’ve said this a million times, but this is it — this is the project that’s going to define who I am as an artist,” Bell said while frantically chain-smoking cigarettes. “All I need is $10,000 from friends, family, and strangers who love art. But I don’t want them to give me all their money… they should put some aside for extra underwear, because when they see what I’m cooking up, they’re gonna shit themselves.”

Prior to his most recent cryptic post, Bell unsuccessfully attempted to fund an independent film he claimed would be “‘The 400 Blows,’ but completely improvised,” which many took to mean he was too lazy to write a script.

“I love Will, but I’m also not dumb: the guy hasn’t made any ‘art’ since 2007 when he bought all of the VCRs from a Goodwill for an ‘installation piece’ that I never heard about again,” friend David Nadler said. “And guess who paid for those VCRs? Me.”

At press time, Bell had added a photograph of a pile of polystyrene styrofoam and bailing wire on Instagram, with the text, “Coming soon. Subscribe to my Patreon for updates!”