Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Biden Considering Trump for VP

Posted on March 10, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

DETROIT — Democratic frontrunner Joe Biden admitted he is considering current president Donald Trump as a potential running mate in his bid for the presidency in November, sources close to the campaign confirmed.

“Hey there Skippy, my entire political career has been modeled after the adage ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em’. Well now I say ‘even if we do beat ‘em, we should still join ‘em,’” said Biden, while having his meals ground down to a fine paste for easy chewing. “Trump is the guy we have to beat in November, but he ain’t all that bad. We agree on almost everything, and it would be great to have someone like him alongside me as we try to return to the status quo.”

“We want to stop all the whining and complaining in this country. If you don’t fall in line, we will send all your jobs overseas and you can go home with no health care forever,” added Biden.

Former democratic candidates that initially entered the presidential race as progressive options lauded Biden’s decision.

“Now this is the sort of out of the box thinking that Biden has always been known for. A Biden/Trump ticket is guaranteed to protect not only the corporate interests of our richest and most treasured citizens, but also elected officials like myself,” said New Jersey senator Cory Booker. “I already know the DNC will sign off on the plan, they basically already have Biden’s cabinet filled out for him if he wins. I don’t want to spoil anything, but my future position rhymes with ‘heckretary of tate.’”

Following the announcement, Biden went on to tell a rambling story about the time he saw a dog pee on a beach towel.

CDC Puts Temporary Ban on Playing Assassin’s Creed II

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has placed a temporary ban on playing the game Assassin’s Creed II during the coronavirus outbreak as a result of the game taking place in Italy.

“We don’t want anyone to panic or make assumptions about the state of the coronavirus outbreak,” said Robert R. Redfield, Director of the CDC. “We are just emphasising that you should seek medical attention if you have a fever, you should not touch your face, you should wash your hands for longer than six seconds, and you should absolutely not, not matter what, run through the streets of Florence in the 2009 action adventure game Assassin’s Creed II.”

“We greatly understand the importance of seeking ancestral vengeance, but until we figure out exactly how to combat this deadly virus, gamers and non-gamers alike must not make any contact with Ezio Auditore da Firenze,” Redfield continued. “Young Ezio or Old Ezio, it doesn’t matter — there is a very good chance he has contracted the coronavirus and can get you sick. Even through a video game.”

At press time, the CDC released a warning to also avoid the 2003 Mark Wahlberg vehicle The Italian Job too, just for good measure.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Bonus Track Just Stupid Acoustic Version of Good Song

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Bobby D. Lux

PEORIA, Ill. — Legendary street punk band The Drain Cloggers’ re-release of their seminal 2000 album, “The Ship’s Sinking and We’re Stuck in the Bathroom,” treated fans to a bonus digital download of a previously unreleased, shitty acoustic version of their best-known song, “The Godfarter,” disappointed sources confirmed.

“We wanted to give our fans something special to commemorate 20 years since our best album. It’s worth paying $45 for the remastered version of the record for this song alone, I promise you,” said singer Dicky Cippilloni. “I found an old recording from an open mic that is a 10-minute slow, serious version of our fans’ favorite song about politicians ripping huge farts. I think I recorded it to impress a girl I was seeing and I was super-wasted, but it holds up.”

“I think it’s my Billie Joe moment. This will be the time of my life, indeed,” Cippilloni continued. “A little B-side that catches fire and shoots me into superstardom. And the band, too.”

Fan reaction, however, is dampening Cippilloni’s plans of solo stardom.

“They pulled some bullshit on this,” said Fritz Acton, a self-described Drain Cloggers superfan. “I was so stoked for the reissue — I love me some B-sides, and ‘The Godfarter’ is just as relevant now as it was back then, if not more so. Politicians are still stinking up the place, you know? But right there, next to the name in those half-moon-line like things, is the word ‘acoustic.’ It’s like they stabbed us in the back. I was hoping we might finally hear the song about Monica Lewinsky’s dress that they only played live once, but no luck.”

In a rare agreement with the fanbase, music critics also panned the lazy excuse for a bonus track.

“A bonus track is supposed to be almost as good as a real song,” said punk vlogger critic, “The Pit Ref.” “An acoustic version of anything is never good. You lose all of the power of a song when nothing is plugged in, and the lyrics sound especially stupid when you can actually understand them.”

Cippilloni allegedly also plans to include a bonus spoken word track on the Drain Cloggers next reissue in five years.

Next Democratic Debate to Feature Hot Questions and Even Hotter Wings

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

PHOENIX — The Democratic National Committee released new qualification criteria for the upcoming debate on March 15th, requiring that participants be able to consume a series of progressively spicier hot wings while answering topical questions.

“You know. I believe this is a great step forward for the DNC and our primaries process,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. “What better way to put myself in the shoes of the working class — eating hotter and hotter buffalo wings as a representation of the increasingly difficult struggles which working families are forced to face today. I look forward to seeing how Vice President Joe Biden, who is a good friend of mine, answers questions on his vote for the Iraq War while wincing in pain from an especially hot chicken wing.”

The Democratic presidential debate will be hosted on the First We Feast YouTube page and will likely determine the outcome of the rest of the primary.

“Listen here, Jack,” exclaimed Biden in an interview on MSNBC this morning. “This spicy O-Obama is an ace in the horse’s shoe. My teeth mean business and Sanders wrote a check his mouth can’t cash. We’re gonna win this dang thing and then we’re gonna ride it all the way to big one, the pony show.”

At press time, Moderator Sean Evans was seen trying on hoodies and mixing Da Bomb hot sauce into his coffee in preparation for the debate.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

I Don’t Give Change to the Homeless Cause They’re Just Gonna Use It on Booze Instead of Buying a $2.00 House

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Zach Raffio

Homeless people won’t be getting any pocket change from me. I’m not gonna give these people my hard-earned money just so they can spend it on booze or drugs, when they could easily put it toward buying themselves one of those poor people houses in their very own neighborhood, something which I assume must exist and cost around $2.00 or so.

Why would I shell out money that I worked for so that homeless people can spend it on harmful things as opposed to what must be a perfectly fine, completely livable house with heat and utilities included? What lesson does that teach?

It’s not my problem that these people choose to booze their lives away on the street just because they think they are too good to live in a $2.00 house or whatever. Yeah, so it’s not the Ritz. It’s still a house!

It doesn’t just end with housing.

When people ask for money for food, I know they’re just gonna spend it on cheap, unhealthy junk. They choose to do this, rather than spend it on a nutrient-rich, balanced meal with fresh produce and a lean protein – of which there must be some kind of equivalent for them that costs, like, 75 cents.

What about just simply talking to them, or showing general compassion? Now that’s where it gets tricky.

I assume if you smile at a homeless person, or even look them in the eye, something truly awful happens to you and your family. Maybe you lose all your money or you get injured or something. I have to imagine there’s a totally valid reason not to be kind to homeless people, and that’s why my parents did it and that’s why I do it.

It’s a vicious cycle, and one that I have absolutely no intention of encouraging.

So, next time someone asks you for a quarter, really stop and think. Are they going to use it on something that will make their lives just a little more tolerable for the moment, or what they should use it on? I am of course referring to a special poor person house with an equivalent car and consistent food supply, which all has to cost, at most, around $4.25. I mean that’s a thing, right? It’s not like we live in the dark ages.

Bored Teen Looking at Dad’s Playboys Can’t Believe What People Used to Consider Porn

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Patrick Crooks

NAZARETH, Pa. — Local teen Brian Miller found his father’s old stash of Playboys while snooping through the garage late last night and is now utterly confused by what used to count as pornography, family sources confirmed.

“Half of this magazine is cigarette ads, and then there’s a nine-page interview with some guy named Gore Vidal. Is he some pornstar with a huge hog or something?” asked the adolescent, who by now has seen enough depraved sex acts that he is forever stunted. “There’s maybe a few pictures of naked chicks in this thing… and this one looks like she’s 50! I guess they didn’t make them wax their bushes back then?”

“Man, I don’t know why my dad keeps these things hidden,” he later added. “None of these women are even getting railed by two dicks at once.”

Brian’s father Doug did not seem worried about the discovery, viewing it as a rite of passage.

“I remember when I first found my dad’s Playboy collection: Jayne Mansfield was on the cover. I was sort of hoping Brian would find these,” Miller wistfully remarked, unaware that his son’s preferred genre of porn involves a sex acts that were banned in most states until the ’70s. “It’s only natural for them to get curious at a certain age, so I’m not too worried about these old magazines causing any serious trouble for him. I just hope he keeps them hidden so his mom doesn’t find them.”

Experts state that the easy access children have to pornography these days has rendered the “finding dad’s Playboys” phenomena obsolete.

“A woman laying on a leopard skin rug and showing her breasts is pretty damn tame by the standards of what these kids have seen,” noted child psychologist Hillary O’Connell. “What magazines like this show are no different than what they would see in an art museum, for God’s sake — they’re just boobs, after all. If their phone-addled minds could actually pay attention to these magazines for more than five minutes, they’re likely to be more engaged by the articles than the nudity. Though, why a teenager would want to read a rambling Norman Mailer short story is beyond me.”

Sources report the younger Miller also discovered his father’s Glock 9mm and couldn’t believe he didn’t own something cooler like an AR-15.

Throwaway Reddit Account Does Nothing to Obscure User’s Identity

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Justin Curry’s post on Reddit’s r/relationship_advice under the username u/throwawaythekeys92 did absolutely nothing to hide his identity as a result of his incredibly specific story, according to skeeved sources.

“Throwaway account so no one knows it’s me. OK so my girlfriend and I are 2 of 6 people in the U.S. who are prominent members of the bigfoot fetish community,” begins the 3,000 word Reddit post. “Now, my girlfriend (she browses Reddit pretty much nonstop and I don’t want her to realize it’s me so let’s just call her Jenny), has an incredibly rare ancient Egyptian coin that has been passed down from generation to generation within her family. I knew the coin held deep sentimental value to Jenn but I also was mad at her when I drove 20 miles away and threw it down a drain.”

The post quickly went viral on Reddit, Twitter, Facebook, and various meme aggregate news sources. Those familiar with the situation said they were able to tell the post was made by Curry within seconds.

“You could have probably sent me any individual sentence of the post and I would have been able to tell it was Justin,” said his mother Noel Curry. “I honestly have no idea why he kept things anonymous in the first place. Did he really think he was fooling anyone in the section about ‘Jenny’s’ father, who is a member of an exclusive secret society, when he didn’t name the Freemasons but wrote ‘let’s just say it was written about in a certain 2009 novel by Dan Brown?’”

“Yeah I knew it was him,” said Curry’s girlfriend Ginny Ferguson. “I’m still incredibly pissed at him. He is definitely, as they say, the asshole. People need to realize they need therapy instead of just going to Reddit with incredibly specific stories built to get strangers online to say you’re not a bad person. But what am I supposed to do? I’ve already dated all four other prominent members of the United States Bigfoot fetish community.”

As of press time, Curry posted an update to the post thanking those who commented for the advice and criticizing the rest of the comments, which amounted to roughly 95%, suggesting that Ferguson should just dump him and move on.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Help! I’m Being Priced out of the Neighborhood I Gentrified

Posted on March 10, 2020 by Graham Isador

Last week my landlord informed me they’re raising the rent by 600 dollars. Even when you account for my monthly stipend, it means I’ll no longer be able to afford the apartment without dipping into my trust. The rent increase has led to some serious questions. Does west Toronto still value its artists? And is there still room in this city left for an experimental poet with a postgraduate degree in semiotics? Sadly because of gentrification it doesn’t seem to be…

What has happened to the city I’ve known and loved since 2017? When my parents first moved me to this area it was nothing vintage clothing stores and ironic coffee shops that only sell smooth jazz CDs (so ’90s!). We even have a storefront that looks like a tattoo parlor but it’s actually a hidden bar! It specializes in fusion share plates and Wes Anderson inspired cocktails. They let me run my bi-monthly storytelling show there.

But something sinister has happened in the past three years. Newer, richer people are moving here from the suburbs, forcing out us older, rich-but-just-not-as-rich residents out of the place we’ve called our home since we moved in and forced out the original inhabitants 36 long months ago. I worry that as rents continue to rise we’ll see cultural hubs, authentic locations that make this part of Toronto so special, close as artists like me are forced to move elsewhere.

We’ll have to relocate to another rough, unfashionable neighborhood and begin opening up shops there all over again. This process takes a major toll on us OG’s (original gentrifiers). I fear in the future this part of the city will be reserved for tech douchebags who couldn’t tell you the difference between a negroni and a boulevardier.

Eh, maybe that’s for the best. I mean, is it really worth another rent increase to live in a neighborhood that doesn’t value the occupancy of Toronto’s sixteenth most popular arts blogger?

Photo by Nicole Bazuin

Punk Buys Pack of Gum to Distract from $300 Worth of Merchandise She’s Shoplifting

Posted on March 10, 2020 by James Knapp

KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red chewing gum yesterday to distract from over $300 worth of merchandise she was attempting to steal from a drug store, oddly confident sources confirmed.

“With as many bottles of foundation and DVDs as I have in this backpack, which I’m also stealing, I knew I would need something to throw off suspicious employees. Not that I even care if I get caught,” Hartley said. “Screw these capitalist dogs. You come in to steal one thing, and before you know it, you’re walking out with half the housewares department hidden in your purse. That is, as soon as I get past the security scanners, anyway.”

Hartley’s gum purchase subterfuge was apparently effective in throwing off 16-year-old stockboy Garret Lee.

“Shoplifter? What?” mumbled an apathetic and noticeably stoned Lee while restocking the wireless headphones display Hartley had just cleared out. “I thought she just wanted some gum. Whoa! She’s, like, super smart. I never would have thought to do that.”

“Are there still donuts in the breakroom?” Lee added.

Assistant Manager Teresa Spangle confirmed the store’s policy regarding theft.

“Our official policy is to prosecute any theft of store property to the fullest extent of the law… but seriously, who wants to deal with all that fucking paperwork?” she said. “I don’t get paid enough to care about who steals what. Hell, I don’t even get time off.”

“Honestly, I have to get kind of creative when I look for ways to pretend I don’t see people taking stuff,” Spangle added. “I usually just knock over my Dr. Pepper and then run to the back to get the mop or something so it’s on camera. People should just take whatever they want — or better yet, burn this whole fucking place to the ground.”

At press time, Hartley was whistling inconspicuously while attempting to stuff a whole package of Oreos into her bra while making her way out of the store.

Physicists Discover That Universe Began as Arma 3 Mod

Posted on March 10, 2020 by James Gavigan

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Researchers at MIT’s Center for Theoretical Physics were shocked to discover that the universe as we know it began as a mod of popular military simulation game Arma 3.

“We’ve already reached out to our colleagues at CERN and they have confirmed our findings,” said lead scientist Dr. Ramesh Sangani. “All of existence can trace its origins to a mod of Arma 3, just like PUBG. Though we do not yet fully understand how it came about, it seems that modders slowly added more and more features to the already robust Arma 3 engine, until it took on a life of its own.”

The developers of the Arma series were baffled but pleased to learn about this discovery.

“We love seeing how the modding community can take what we made with Arma 3 and make it their own,” explained Jay Crowe, former creative director at Bohemia Interactive and current creative director of PlayerUnknown’s Battlegrounds. “I didn’t think a mod could really come into its own in as big a way that PUBG did, but damn, the entire universe? I just can’t wrap my head around it yet.”

The findings have seemed to confirm the beliefs of several different ideological groups.

“It’s been very interesting,” said Dr. Sangani. “Many are claiming that this is proof of intelligent design in our universe, while others have taken it as confirmation that we are in fact living in a simulation. One thing is for sure though, it should be much easier to climb over things that we find.”

At press time Jason Schreir commented that he plans to work with CERN and MIT to determine how much crunch was involved during the transition from mod to all of reality.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News