KENT, Conn. — Local shoplifter and psychological mastermind Wendy “Sticky Fingers” Hartley reportedly bought a 35-cent pack of Big Red chewing gum yesterday to distract from over $300 worth of merchandise she was attempting to steal from a drug store, oddly confident sources confirmed.
“With as many bottles of foundation and DVDs as I have in this backpack, which I’m also stealing, I knew I would need something to throw off suspicious employees. Not that I even care if I get caught,” Hartley said. “Screw these capitalist dogs. You come in to steal one thing, and before you know it, you’re walking out with half the housewares department hidden in your purse. That is, as soon as I get past the security scanners, anyway.”
Hartley’s gum purchase subterfuge was apparently effective in throwing off 16-year-old stockboy Garret Lee.
“Shoplifter? What?” mumbled an apathetic and noticeably stoned Lee while restocking the wireless headphones display Hartley had just cleared out. “I thought she just wanted some gum. Whoa! She’s, like, super smart. I never would have thought to do that.”
“Are there still donuts in the breakroom?” Lee added.
Assistant Manager Teresa Spangle confirmed the store’s policy regarding theft.
“Our official policy is to prosecute any theft of store property to the fullest extent of the law… but seriously, who wants to deal with all that fucking paperwork?” she said. “I don’t get paid enough to care about who steals what. Hell, I don’t even get time off.”
“Honestly, I have to get kind of creative when I look for ways to pretend I don’t see people taking stuff,” Spangle added. “I usually just knock over my Dr. Pepper and then run to the back to get the mop or something so it’s on camera. People should just take whatever they want — or better yet, burn this whole fucking place to the ground.”
At press time, Hartley was whistling inconspicuously while attempting to stuff a whole package of Oreos into her bra while making her way out of the store.