Get It Together: Can You Remember What Case You Left Melee in Before Your Sleepover Devolves Into Chaos?

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

It’s Friday, and you know what that means: the boys are coming over for a sleepover! Mom just tidied up the basement, you’ve already picked up plenty of Dr. Pepper and Savory Bold Chex Mix, and Jake, Max, and Ari are here to play some Super Smash Bros. Melee until tonight’s new episode of Robot Chicken comes on. Just as you’re telling everyone how you’ve finally mastered wavedashing, you open the Melee game case to discover…Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg?! Oh no! Your bad habit of not putting games back in their original cases strikes again! Your friends look at the disc in your hand with anticipation…

DO YOU:

Play Billy Hatcher and the Giant Egg
“Um, actually I’ve got a better game we can play,” you nervously say as you put Billy Hatcher in the open GameCube disc drive. Your friends are skeptical, but the four of you stay up all night playing the Billy Hatcher multiplayer mode. It’s not as fun as Melee, but you all have a great time anyway due to the strength of your shared friendship and the game becomes an inside joke for years to come. You even put lyrics to the Billy Hatcher theme song as your yearbook quote.

When you get to college, you try to get a game going in your dorm with your new roommates, but it feels forced and just isn’t the same. You realize you will never know true joy like when you were in high school. Years later, you die alone at 88. THE END. Try again?

Continue to look for your Melee disc

“Sorry, guys. It must be in a different case,” you say to your friends. You turn back around and start scouring the disorganized pile of games next to the TV your dad is always yelling at you about. Is it in Sonic Adventure 2: Battle? No. What about X2: Wolverine’s Revenge? Still no. Metal Arms: Glitch in the System? Damn! Where could it be? Just as you’re getting frantic, Ari pipes up. “My brother just showed me this awesome video on Newgrounds. Can we watch it?” As you head upstairs to the computer in your Dad’s office, you remember the last place you saw Melee was inside the case for Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness!

DO YOU:

Watch the Newgrounds cartoon that Ari wants to see

You lead everyone upstairs to the computer in your Dad’s office. Ari looks up the new Foamy the Squirrel video on Newgrounds. Everyone laughs a lot. Ari says, “Alright, what should we watch next?” As he says that, you see a drawing of Pikachu holding a beer in a thumbnail for another cartoon. It reminds you that the last place you saw Melee was inside the case for Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness!

DO YOU:

Watch more Newgrounds cartoons

Ari says he saw this one video on Newgrounds where Mario has sex with Peach. You refuse to believe him, but he says it’s totally real and super hot. Just as Ari clicks the “Adult” tab on the homepage, your Mom bursts in and sees the video playing full screen! Busted! She sends all of your friends home and grounds you for two weeks. THE END. Try again?

Sneak back downstairs and search the case for Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness

Just as you can hear your friends loading up “The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny” from the office, you sneak back downstairs to continue the hunt. You open the case for Pokemon XD: Gale of Darkness, only to find the disc for Animal Crossing. Damn! Your memory’s playing tricks on you! Before you can regroup, your friends come back downstairs. They got a call from Dylan on Max’s cell phone, he just got ODST on his 360! They’re gonna head over to his house to play. Are you coming with? 

DO YOU:

Abandon the sleepover and go to Dylan’s house

You swallow your pride and get into Max’s Dad’s car when he arrives half an hour later. You make it to Dylan’s, and the stunning next-gen graphics of the Xbox 360 kick the pants off of your pathetic little GameCube. Plus, he’s got pizza rolls and his Mom says you can even invite some of the girls over if you want. Dylan’s place becomes the designated sleepover spot for the next four years. You never get over it. THE END. Try again?

Lie to convince your friends to stay

“My Mom says I can’t leave the house tonight,” you lie, beginning to sweat through your Old Spice spray-on deodorant. The boys are clearly getting annoyed and you begin to worry they might just leave you behind. Suddenly, Jake chimes in with a suggestion. “Dude, we should just watch The Hangover! You still haven’t seen it, right?” As your friends start quoting the movie back and forth, you’re left with a decision…

DO YOU:

Watch The Hangover

Before you can say a word, Jake pulls a copy of the movie out of his backpack and puts it in your DVD player. You’re still not fully comfortable with R-rated movies, and Max says this one has a ton of butts in it! You pretend to fall asleep and wake up when they find Justin Bartha on the roof. You lie and say it was your favorite part to avoid suspicion. The night eventually winds down. No one minds that they didn’t get to play Melee, but nobody believes that you can actually wavedash. THE END. Try again?

Have an anxiety attack

You feel your face get hot as you burst into tears. Your friends nervously look at one another and ask if they should leave. Things just keep getting worse and worse! It looks like this is the end of your sleepover when suddenly, you hear a noise from upstairs…

“Hey, is this yours?” Your Dad peeks into the basement with your Melee disc in his hands! “I found it in the third disc slot of The Simpsons Season 5 DVD box set. Have you seen that by the way?” You tell your Dad you’ll find it later as you slam the disc into the GameCube. You hastily put Billy Hatcher in the case for Battalion Wars and get to smashing. You use your new wavedashing technique to win every round with Fox except for when Jake was being a dick and spamming with Kirby’s Down-B. You play for hours until it’s time to stop and watch the new episode of Robot Chicken. Everything’s perfect. THE END. Try again?

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Reggie Proposes GameStop Increase Business By Including a Free Copy Of ‘Wii Sports’ With Every Purchase

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

GRAPEVINE, Texas — Assuring his fellow board members that his plan would work just as well as it did the first time, sources say that former Nintendo of America COO and President Reggie Fils-Aimé kicked off his first meeting as a member of the GameStop Board of Directors by proposing that the retailer increase their business by including a free copy of the Nintendo Wii game Wii Sports with every purchase.

“I’m sure that my idea may face some opposition from the rest of the board, but I can assure you all that this is a time-tested business strategy,” said Fils-Aimé, who originally devised the idea of giving away Wii Sports for free to help sell the Nintendo Wii in 2006. “In fact, part of the reason I took this job was because I know that we probably have thousands of copies of Wii Sports lying around in different GameStop warehouses, so it would be really easy to implement this plan. Plus, Wii Sports is extremely popular. It’s the fourth best-selling game of all time because we forced it into the hands of 87 million people. I think we can push that number even higher, but we have to act fast if we want to make it happen.”

Other members of the board were skeptical that Fils-Aimé’s ideas were simply copied from things he had done earlier in his career.

“I had a whole presentation about our new redesigned stores, and Reggie kept interrupting me to give notes on how he would design it differently,” said one board member who requested anonymity. “Most of his notes were just pointing at different TV displays in the store and suggesting that there should be two screens instead of one. That’s a terrible idea, and really expensive. Just who does this guy think he is? He can’t just keep bringing up that he knows Shigeru Miyamoto and expect me to let him steamroll my ideas.”

At press time, sources say that Fils-Aimé had moved on to a second proposal to crack down on GameStop company leaks by moving all corporate communications to securely encrypted PictoChat rooms.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Panicked Punk Calls Parents to Find Out Status of Trust Fund

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected by the sudden stock market plunge earlier today, family sources confirmed.

“This is very bad news for me. Some of the people in my squat were talking about how Wall Street was on fire and I had to pretend to be excited. After a couple high fives, I told them I was going to go spit on the Bank of America down the street, but I actually snuck out to call my parents,” said a visibly upset Lewiston. “I have an iPhone 11 that I keep hidden from everyone and use to call my parents to ask about my stock portfolio. This crash really has me worried — with Saudi Arabia lowering their oil prices this could have a direct impact on my quarterly earnings, which may keep me from buying this leather jacket I was gonna say I pulled outta the trash.”

“I just hope grandma and grandpa set up my trust so I don’t get fucked here,” added Lewiston. “I don’t want to have to spend all day with my financial advisor figuring out the best way to reallocate assets.”

Stock market analysts say Wall Street’s volatility has led to a sharp increase in phone calls home from rich punks who pretend to be broke.

“We’re getting reports from coast to coast about parents fielding calls from their crust punk children. These kids normally only call home on their birthdays and Christmas to make sure their parents are properly funding their vagrant lifestyle, but today has been exceptional,” said personal wealth manager Amy Dewar. “I want to let every rich punk out there know that your money is safe, and as soon as you want to stop pretending to hate capitalism, you will be welcomed back into polite society and able to enroll at the Ivy League school with your family name adorning most of the buildings.”

Lewiston was seen late in the day riding a train car across town to a secret storage facility where he stores his collection of antique cars.

“There’s More to Life Than Social Media,” Claims Fucking Loser with Like, Eight Followers

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — A controversial new study conducted by “a gaggle of lame-ass dorks with like, basically two followers or whatever” erroneously claimed that there is more to life than social media, according to much cooler sources.

“Unsurprisingly, our study found that social media leads to depression and lower overall satisfaction and self esteem. While we hoped these results would show people there’s more to life than garnering Facebook likes, we did not expect the backlash of cyberbullying, viral memes featuring our likeness, and atomic wedgies when confronted in person,” said lead researcher Dr. Priscilla Fritz. “I became a scientist because I wanted to help humankind — I just wish I hadn’t spent several years and hundreds of thousands of dollars on schooling before learning that humankind is a scumfuck undeserving of any help.”

Twitter user with over 15,000 followers Nancy Garza was one of many to question the study’s findings.

“We get it — you suck at social media, and you’re trying to make yourself feel better about it by pretending there’s more to life than Facebook. Next, I bet these geeks will post a study about how no one liking you in high school and being a virgin until you’re 25 is actually cool,” said Garza. “Frankly, I refuse to trust any peer-reviewed, controlled study conducted by someone with less than 50 followers. That’s just gross.”

Sociologist Geoffrey Sims explained how, considering our dependence on social media validation, this reaction was unsurprising.

“A distrust of science, unfortunately, isn’t anything new. And while many people don’t want to believe it, the facts don’t lie,” Sims explained. “Social media is damaging our wellbeing. How damaging is it, you ask? Well, you’ll have to check out my YouTube series to find out. Oh, and be sure to smash those ‘Like’ and ‘Subscribe’ buttons when you’re there, and don’t forget to turn on those post-bell notifications so you never miss a new post.”

More recently, Dr. Fritz received dozens of death threats from middle-aged, midwestern moms after her latest study proved that copy-and-paste Facebook chain status updates don’t actually do anything.

Dragon Ball Villain Who Can’t Become Final Form Swears This Doesn’t Normally Happen

Posted on by James Gavigan

NAMEK — Local psychopath and emperor of Universe 7, Frieza, reportedly failed to turn into his final form at a battle yesterday, despite claiming that “this has never happened before.”

“No, it’s not performance anxiety, you maggots. I can usually transform into my second form with no problem!” the son of King Cold explained, unprompted. “It’s probably just because I’m tired.”

Witnesses at the scene of the incident were baffled and embarrassed by Frieza’s reaction. 

“One second we were battling to the death—real hot and heavy stuff, you know?” said former Great Ape and newly christened super saiyan Goku. “I only asked him to go to 100% power because I thought he wanted to. Then when he couldn’t, he got all pissy even though I told him it was okay, but he acted like it was my fault or something. It was just sad to watch.”

Frieza was reportedly able to become his final form a half hour later, but blew his load seconds after, destroying the entire planet.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Man’s Arm for Triforce Tattoo

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Video game company Nintendo has sent a cease and desist to local fan Denis Fernandez for his Legend of Zelda triforce tattoo, prompting him to either take down the tattoo or remove and return his arm to Nintendo.

“We take our intellectual property very seriously and Mr. Fernandez’s arm is in direct violation of our copyright,” said Nintendo lawyer Frank Walters. “Mr. Fernandez needs to remove this part of his body that is profiting off of our licensed character or else pay the consequences because this is a very serious issue. We will do everything in our power to protect the rights of artists against the vile ROM-hacks, fan creations, and tributes to our games made by children around the world. It sickens me.”

Following the cease and desist, Fernandez is considering his options before making his next move to remove the tattoo.

“Everyone warned me about this when I said I was going to get a triforce on my arm,” Fernandez said. “I just figured my arm was small potatoes; there’s no way Nintendo would find out! But they did find out and they’re coming for me. There’s no hiding from Nintendo lawyers. God help us all.”

As of press time, Nintendo held a special unannounced Direct this morning featuring just a silent video of Nintendo of America COO Doug Bowser victoriously holding Fernandez’s severed arm over his head like a trophy.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Photo by Roo Reynolds.

If I’m Such an Alcoholic How Come I’m Still Good to Drive?

Posted on by Jon Swihart

Listen pussies, I’m not going to “tone down” my drinking just because you claim I have a problem. Sure, my bar-top dancing got us kicked out of Applebee’s just now but you know what they say, “I’d rather be with the fun people in Hell than the boring people in Applebee’s.” So let’s go to Chili’s! If I’m driving; you’re buying, right?! Haha. What? Alcoholic? No way! Would an alcoholic be able to drive a car right now? Because I totally can.

Alcoholics are not functional. It’s in the definition. At this very moment I could ace a slalom course. No sweat. And I could do it up on two wheels like those Saudi guys in that M.I.A. video. Remember that shit? Fuckin’ awesome. That’s where I’m at right now. Go ahead. Line up some cones. Let’s see which one of us is an alcoholic and which one is a fucking buzzkill.

Trust me, I’m not even close to my limit yet. See, when you’re an alcoholic (which I’m not) you don’t know when to stop. You keep drinking until you find yourself being woken up by the cops in the bushes outside your ex’s apartment, missing several credit cards. And I don’t do that anymore. I used to be an alcoholic but I’m all better now.

Most of the time I’m able to hit that sweet spot where I get a mild, sociable buzz going for a couple days. You know, the kind of buzz where you actually pay more attention to the road. Trust me, I’m a reliable judge of my abilities. That’s why I’ve only ever had one DUI. I passed my limit and now I know what it feels like so it’s impossible for me to ever make that mistake again!

So, yeah, I’m keeping my keys and my dignity. Now if you’re done gaslighting me, let’s drive over to the Yard House. It’s almost 4:30 p.m. and you know what that means: happy hour!

Woman Who Already Flipped Cushion Once Can’t Decide Which Stain is Worse

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and putrid couch cushion will be the least offensive to the eyes and noses of guests, sources familiar with the decrepit piece of furniture confirmed.

“I’ve been debating for hours what stain would be worse to explain to my friends — one side is rancid tikka masala, the other is bodily fluids. You’d think bodily fluids are worse, but it’s not poop or semen… it’s just a bit of throw up, which really isn’t that bad when you think about it. So this choice isn’t as easy as it seems,” said Thomson. “Unfortunately, because I’m the only responsible one in this shithole, I’m frequently the one washing all the dried blood from our sink, or explaining that hiding dirty dishes under your bed doesn’t make them go away.”

Roommate Mariam Hubbard asserted, however, that the other tenants are becoming fed up with Thomson’s fastidiousness.

“Aaliyah makes for a real odd couple. It’s just like that old TV show, ‘Frasier’ — she’s this total neat freak who insists letting stray animals eat food off our floor is a bad idea, and that we need to put a towel down when sitting naked on the dining room table,” said Hubbard. “I mean, I moved out of my parents’ place because I was sick of being told that eating leaves from the backyard is causing my hookworm infection. I don’t need to hear it here, too.”

For his part, landlord Teddy Clayton was appalled by the levels of filth inside his rental property.

“I checked in with my new tenants for the first time in a few weeks… and all I can say is, if Thomson is the neat one because she considered flipping a stained cushion, I can’t even imagine the horrors occurring inside the other roommates’ bedrooms,” said Clayton. “I’m considering bug bombing the whole place with them inside. Sure, it might kill them, but if it doesn’t, it’ll be the cleanest any of them had been in years.

Thomson reportedly plans to change her tactics from placing passive-aggressive Post-It notes to aggressive-aggressive notes that frequently begin with, ‘Yo, Dipshits.’

Photo by Senny Mau.

New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife

Posted on by John Danek

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Capitalizing on the true crime entertainment craze, Clifford Waters has turned his grief over his wife’s murder into fame and cash by creating the smash hit podcast, “My Least Favorite Murder.”

“After Martina was shot in the head in broad daylight last Thursday, I figured that I should exploit my own grief before some other content creator does,” said Waters between bouts of sobbing in the podcast’s pilot episode. “We have a bunch of guests lined up to interview: Martina’s sisters, a medium who can talk to Martina herself, and our — I mean my — daughter. When she’s ready.

“There are some people who say that it’s supremely fucked up to get entertainment out of real people’s current sorrow,” continued Waters. “And to them I say — shit, you might be right. But let my tale be an educational tool so that you can learn how to avoid getting your spouse murdered. Will it really help? I doubt it. Nothing matters. Life is chaos and pain.”

The lead detective on the case, Raymond Pantazis, will serve as co-host on “My Least Favorite Murder” to add a sense of expertise to the recording sessions.

“Every true crime podcast needs a co-host to chime in with exasperated sighs, sympathetic ‘ohhhs’ and a surprised ‘Jesus!’ from time to time,” explained Pantazis, who reportedly has no leads in the case but has agreed to a 70/30 split on Patreon proceeds. “This reminds the audience that they shouldn’t be enjoying the story too much.”

When pressed on whether he was working the murder case, Detective Pantazis explained that the podcast took up most of his schedule.

“You have to maintain a regular output if you hope to have any chance at cracking the Top 100.”

After the popularity of the first few episodes, true crime fans eagerly awaited any shred of new content from Waters and Pantazis.

“I became a patron to get access to the bonus episode where Clifford goes into Martina’s closet for the first time after her death,” said true crime fan Caitlin Schecter. “It’s heartbreaking, painful, and compelling. But some people on the My Least Favorite Murder subreddit think it’s all an act and that he’s really the murderer. Definitely an interesting theory.”

Listeners to “My Least Favorite Murder” can get $80 off a Casper mattress by using code DEARGODPLEASELETMEWAKEUPFROMTHISNIGHTMARE.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Rise Against Brought This Lucky Fan on Stage to Live out His Dream of Telling Them Everything After “Appeal to Reason” Sucks

Posted on by Aidan Sears

Talk about a once in a lifetime moment! When 33-year-old line cook Danny Bordeaux went to see Rise Against perform at Thalia Hall he never imagined they would bring him onstage to help them sing “Audience of One.” Bordeaux, a devoted fan of the band since he was a teenager, was visibly nervous. But frontman Tim McIlrath gave him a nod and Bordeaux yelled into the mic what he always practiced yelling into his hairbrush: “You know that everything you guys have done since ‘Appeal to Reason’ has been kind of ass, right?”

A star is born!

Bordeaux was ready to hand back the mic but the crowd clearly connected to his words and wanted more. With a second, more resigned nod from McIlrath, Bordeaux took a deep breath and delivered.

“I mean the beauty of the early stuff is that Tim’s naturally melodic upper register lends a sonically pleasing quality to the bands’ rougher punk sound. Leaning harder into melody is kind of redundant, right? But that’s what you guys have been doing the last decade so you’re sounding more like an arena rock band than a punk band. Different strokes for different folks and all that but I think it’s some stinky garbage, personally.”

What kid doesn’t dream of that?!

If the story had ended there Bordeaux could die tonight and he’d die a hero but there’s even more! After Rise Against finished their set, clearly contemplating some stuff during it, the crowd started chanting for an encore… from Bordeaux! And if you doubted his ability to give the fans what they want again, you would be sadly mistaken:

“And, seriously guys, the lyrics. You used to draw from an explicitly anti-imperialist tradition but now it’s all, like, vague ‘never give up’ type bullshit. I know Savior is your most popular song because of that, but damn. Shit sucks, my guys.”

Wow. Musicians everywhere, take note. This is raw emotion. This is pure honestly. This is punk. Let’s hope there was a kid in the audience today who will dream about doing the same thing in 15 years when Rise Against is doing whatever dog shit sound they’re doing then.

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