OAKLAND, Calif. — Local punk Eddy “Rotgut” Lewiston made a panicked phone call to his parents to make sure his vast fortune was not affected by the sudden stock market plunge earlier today, family sources confirmed.
“This is very bad news for me. Some of the people in my squat were talking about how Wall Street was on fire and I had to pretend to be excited. After a couple high fives, I told them I was going to go spit on the Bank of America down the street, but I actually snuck out to call my parents,” said a visibly upset Lewiston. “I have an iPhone 11 that I keep hidden from everyone and use to call my parents to ask about my stock portfolio. This crash really has me worried — with Saudi Arabia lowering their oil prices this could have a direct impact on my quarterly earnings, which may keep me from buying this leather jacket I was gonna say I pulled outta the trash.”
“I just hope grandma and grandpa set up my trust so I don’t get fucked here,” added Lewiston. “I don’t want to have to spend all day with my financial advisor figuring out the best way to reallocate assets.”
Stock market analysts say Wall Street’s volatility has led to a sharp increase in phone calls home from rich punks who pretend to be broke.
“We’re getting reports from coast to coast about parents fielding calls from their crust punk children. These kids normally only call home on their birthdays and Christmas to make sure their parents are properly funding their vagrant lifestyle, but today has been exceptional,” said personal wealth manager Amy Dewar. “I want to let every rich punk out there know that your money is safe, and as soon as you want to stop pretending to hate capitalism, you will be welcomed back into polite society and able to enroll at the Ivy League school with your family name adorning most of the buildings.”
Lewiston was seen late in the day riding a train car across town to a secret storage facility where he stores his collection of antique cars.