Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Nintendo Sends DMCA Takedown to Man’s Arm for Triforce Tattoo

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ATLANTA — Video game company Nintendo has sent a cease and desist to local fan Denis Fernandez for his Legend of Zelda triforce tattoo, prompting him to either take down the tattoo or remove and return his arm to Nintendo.

“We take our intellectual property very seriously and Mr. Fernandez’s arm is in direct violation of our copyright,” said Nintendo lawyer Frank Walters. “Mr. Fernandez needs to remove this part of his body that is profiting off of our licensed character or else pay the consequences because this is a very serious issue. We will do everything in our power to protect the rights of artists against the vile ROM-hacks, fan creations, and tributes to our games made by children around the world. It sickens me.”

Following the cease and desist, Fernandez is considering his options before making his next move to remove the tattoo.

“Everyone warned me about this when I said I was going to get a triforce on my arm,” Fernandez said. “I just figured my arm was small potatoes; there’s no way Nintendo would find out! But they did find out and they’re coming for me. There’s no hiding from Nintendo lawyers. God help us all.”

As of press time, Nintendo held a special unannounced Direct this morning featuring just a silent video of Nintendo of America COO Doug Bowser victoriously holding Fernandez’s severed arm over his head like a trophy.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Photo by Roo Reynolds.

If I’m Such an Alcoholic How Come I’m Still Good to Drive?

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Jon Swihart

Listen pussies, I’m not going to “tone down” my drinking just because you claim I have a problem. Sure, my bar-top dancing got us kicked out of Applebee’s just now but you know what they say, “I’d rather be with the fun people in Hell than the boring people in Applebee’s.” So let’s go to Chili’s! If I’m driving; you’re buying, right?! Haha. What? Alcoholic? No way! Would an alcoholic be able to drive a car right now? Because I totally can.

Alcoholics are not functional. It’s in the definition. At this very moment I could ace a slalom course. No sweat. And I could do it up on two wheels like those Saudi guys in that M.I.A. video. Remember that shit? Fuckin’ awesome. That’s where I’m at right now. Go ahead. Line up some cones. Let’s see which one of us is an alcoholic and which one is a fucking buzzkill.

Trust me, I’m not even close to my limit yet. See, when you’re an alcoholic (which I’m not) you don’t know when to stop. You keep drinking until you find yourself being woken up by the cops in the bushes outside your ex’s apartment, missing several credit cards. And I don’t do that anymore. I used to be an alcoholic but I’m all better now.

Most of the time I’m able to hit that sweet spot where I get a mild, sociable buzz going for a couple days. You know, the kind of buzz where you actually pay more attention to the road. Trust me, I’m a reliable judge of my abilities. That’s why I’ve only ever had one DUI. I passed my limit and now I know what it feels like so it’s impossible for me to ever make that mistake again!

So, yeah, I’m keeping my keys and my dignity. Now if you’re done gaslighting me, let’s drive over to the Yard House. It’s almost 4:30 p.m. and you know what that means: happy hour!

Woman Who Already Flipped Cushion Once Can’t Decide Which Stain is Worse

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

SALT LAKE CITY — Relatively tidy local woman Aaliyah Thomson is allegedly debating which side of her horrendously stained and putrid couch cushion will be the least offensive to the eyes and noses of guests, sources familiar with the decrepit piece of furniture confirmed.

“I’ve been debating for hours what stain would be worse to explain to my friends — one side is rancid tikka masala, the other is bodily fluids. You’d think bodily fluids are worse, but it’s not poop or semen… it’s just a bit of throw up, which really isn’t that bad when you think about it. So this choice isn’t as easy as it seems,” said Thomson. “Unfortunately, because I’m the only responsible one in this shithole, I’m frequently the one washing all the dried blood from our sink, or explaining that hiding dirty dishes under your bed doesn’t make them go away.”

Roommate Mariam Hubbard asserted, however, that the other tenants are becoming fed up with Thomson’s fastidiousness.

“Aaliyah makes for a real odd couple. It’s just like that old TV show, ‘Frasier’ — she’s this total neat freak who insists letting stray animals eat food off our floor is a bad idea, and that we need to put a towel down when sitting naked on the dining room table,” said Hubbard. “I mean, I moved out of my parents’ place because I was sick of being told that eating leaves from the backyard is causing my hookworm infection. I don’t need to hear it here, too.”

For his part, landlord Teddy Clayton was appalled by the levels of filth inside his rental property.

“I checked in with my new tenants for the first time in a few weeks… and all I can say is, if Thomson is the neat one because she considered flipping a stained cushion, I can’t even imagine the horrors occurring inside the other roommates’ bedrooms,” said Clayton. “I’m considering bug bombing the whole place with them inside. Sure, it might kill them, but if it doesn’t, it’ll be the cleanest any of them had been in years.

Thomson reportedly plans to change her tactics from placing passive-aggressive Post-It notes to aggressive-aggressive notes that frequently begin with, ‘Yo, Dipshits.’

Photo by Senny Mau.

New Podcast ‘My Least Favorite Murder’ Discusses Death of Host’s Wife

Posted on March 9, 2020 by John Danek

SIOUX FALLS, S.D. — Capitalizing on the true crime entertainment craze, Clifford Waters has turned his grief over his wife’s murder into fame and cash by creating the smash hit podcast, “My Least Favorite Murder.”

“After Martina was shot in the head in broad daylight last Thursday, I figured that I should exploit my own grief before some other content creator does,” said Waters between bouts of sobbing in the podcast’s pilot episode. “We have a bunch of guests lined up to interview: Martina’s sisters, a medium who can talk to Martina herself, and our — I mean my — daughter. When she’s ready.

“There are some people who say that it’s supremely fucked up to get entertainment out of real people’s current sorrow,” continued Waters. “And to them I say — shit, you might be right. But let my tale be an educational tool so that you can learn how to avoid getting your spouse murdered. Will it really help? I doubt it. Nothing matters. Life is chaos and pain.”

The lead detective on the case, Raymond Pantazis, will serve as co-host on “My Least Favorite Murder” to add a sense of expertise to the recording sessions.

“Every true crime podcast needs a co-host to chime in with exasperated sighs, sympathetic ‘ohhhs’ and a surprised ‘Jesus!’ from time to time,” explained Pantazis, who reportedly has no leads in the case but has agreed to a 70/30 split on Patreon proceeds. “This reminds the audience that they shouldn’t be enjoying the story too much.”

When pressed on whether he was working the murder case, Detective Pantazis explained that the podcast took up most of his schedule.

“You have to maintain a regular output if you hope to have any chance at cracking the Top 100.”

After the popularity of the first few episodes, true crime fans eagerly awaited any shred of new content from Waters and Pantazis.

“I became a patron to get access to the bonus episode where Clifford goes into Martina’s closet for the first time after her death,” said true crime fan Caitlin Schecter. “It’s heartbreaking, painful, and compelling. But some people on the My Least Favorite Murder subreddit think it’s all an act and that he’s really the murderer. Definitely an interesting theory.”

Listeners to “My Least Favorite Murder” can get $80 off a Casper mattress by using code DEARGODPLEASELETMEWAKEUPFROMTHISNIGHTMARE.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Rise Against Brought This Lucky Fan on Stage to Live out His Dream of Telling Them Everything After “Appeal to Reason” Sucks

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Aidan Sears

Talk about a once in a lifetime moment! When 33-year-old line cook Danny Bordeaux went to see Rise Against perform at Thalia Hall he never imagined they would bring him onstage to help them sing “Audience of One.” Bordeaux, a devoted fan of the band since he was a teenager, was visibly nervous. But frontman Tim McIlrath gave him a nod and Bordeaux yelled into the mic what he always practiced yelling into his hairbrush: “You know that everything you guys have done since ‘Appeal to Reason’ has been kind of ass, right?”

A star is born!

Bordeaux was ready to hand back the mic but the crowd clearly connected to his words and wanted more. With a second, more resigned nod from McIlrath, Bordeaux took a deep breath and delivered.

“I mean the beauty of the early stuff is that Tim’s naturally melodic upper register lends a sonically pleasing quality to the bands’ rougher punk sound. Leaning harder into melody is kind of redundant, right? But that’s what you guys have been doing the last decade so you’re sounding more like an arena rock band than a punk band. Different strokes for different folks and all that but I think it’s some stinky garbage, personally.”

What kid doesn’t dream of that?!

If the story had ended there Bordeaux could die tonight and he’d die a hero but there’s even more! After Rise Against finished their set, clearly contemplating some stuff during it, the crowd started chanting for an encore… from Bordeaux! And if you doubted his ability to give the fans what they want again, you would be sadly mistaken:

“And, seriously guys, the lyrics. You used to draw from an explicitly anti-imperialist tradition but now it’s all, like, vague ‘never give up’ type bullshit. I know Savior is your most popular song because of that, but damn. Shit sucks, my guys.”

Wow. Musicians everywhere, take note. This is raw emotion. This is pure honestly. This is punk. Let’s hope there was a kid in the audience today who will dream about doing the same thing in 15 years when Rise Against is doing whatever dog shit sound they’re doing then.

All of Punk’s Good Deeds Court-Mandated

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Mark Hassenfratz

NEW YORK — Local punk Johnny Tolbert’s extensive record of good deeds and “random acts of kindness” are all simply court-mandated, law enforcement officials confirmed.

“It’s such fucking bullshit, man. I thought we lived in a democracy,” said Tolbert, picking up litter as a part of his requisite community service. “They can’t even prove that was me on those crappy security cameras! Joke’s on them, though — I go on Facebook the night before they force me to do this and I try to recruit friends to join me, and when nobody volunteers, I make them feel like shit for being lazy assholes. I’d much rather be at home getting drunk on my couch than freezing my dick off out here.”

Those impacted by Tolbert’s community service, ranging from soup kitchens to elderly outreach to animal rescue, often wish Tollbert had a different form of punishment.

“They ought to just throw that dumbass in jail,” said Henry Alcomb, an elderly man who Tolbert met while working with a group that delivers food and companionship to senior citizens. “Son of a bitch showed up to my house saying he had no fucking clue where my dinner was, and then asked if he could take a couple pulls off my oxygen tank. I knew he was lying — I saw the cornbread crumbs on his shirt. My clock radio went missing after he left, too.”

Despite this, those familiar with Tolbert hope he will be rehabilitated through his service.

“I knew that boy was troubled the second I saw him wearing a Municipal Waste shirt to represent himself in court,” said Judge Reginald Campos, who sentenced Tolbert four of his last six times. “Normally, we have a ‘three strikes’ policy before sending people to jail, but he’s on strike 42 by this point. Maybe another 18 hours of painting guardrails down by the Hudson will be what the doctor ordered.”

At press time, Tollbert was seen serving meals to the homeless while claiming he was “just here for the free grub.”

Angry D&D Player Throws Handful of Dice at DM for 8d6 Bludgeoning Damage

Posted on March 9, 2020 by Joseph Stilwell

RENTON, Wash. — Local dungeon master Sean Murdoch was rushed to the hospital yesterday evening, after his player and cousin Jonas Vandelay succeeded on a roll to hit Murdoch with the eight six-sided die he threw across the table at him during a session.

Sources say the incident escalated when the two started arguing how much damage Murdoch’s Cleric should take after being struck by grapeshot launched from a catapult.

“We argue like this all the time,” said Murdoch, still in recovery at Valley Medical Centre, “but this one got a little heated. We’d been drinking, and Jonas yelled ‘why don’t you prove it then!’ and threw the dice. I didn’t think he could throw anything that well.”

Vandelay was unrepentant, but conceded that Murdoch was the winner of the argument, as he was still alive as of this morning.

“Okay, yes. At our current level, 8d6 damage is not a lethal hit. If I was really trying to kill him, I would have chucked some d4s.”

Fellow player Tahlia Hagen claimed that the blame lies not with individual dice owners like Vandelay or Murdoch, but with the manufacturers.

“8d6 damage without magic or a buff? That’s completely OP. Chessex should have nerfed that option a long time ago,” said Hagen from the hospital waiting area. “But that just shows the hold that Big Dice has on our government.”

In hopes of preventing a lawsuit, Chessex released a statement disavowing all responsibility.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with Mister Murdoch, but the issue here isn’t dice regulation. Mister Vandelay was not observing basic dice safety,” the statement read in part. “Our products are NOT toys. They can do a lot of damage if thrown the right way. When used correctly, dice should be deployed ONLY to protect your Player Character, be it from feral owlbears, invading bandits, or tyrannical lords.”

As of press time, Murdoch had decided not to press charges, since most of the dice rolled 1s and 2s anyway.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Gamer Touches Stove for First Time This Year

Posted on March 8, 2020 by Andy Holt

PASADENA, Calif. — Local gamer Miles Trench has reportedly touched his fingertip to the surface of his oven for the first time since November 2019, moving the clock forward one hour before quickly returning to a four-hour session of Rocket League.

“I had a few seconds before the next match started, so I jumped up to get another can of Red Bull and pop open another bag of chips,” said Trench over voice chat. “And I saw this clock on that big white box in my kitchen, the slow microwave thing. What’s it called again?”

Trench reportedly noticed the incorrect time because he had just set an alarm for noon, when a double-XP event was beginning on his favorite MMORPG.

“I know damn well the time was wrong, so I fixed it. It’s pretty bullshit that it doesn’t change on its own,” said Trench before ending the interview. “Fucking developers.”

Boyfriend Down to Two Stocks After Being Knocked Off Bed

Posted on March 8, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ALBANY, N.Y. — Local boyfriend Dennis McElris is reportedly down to just two stocks after being knocked off the bed by his sleeping girlfriend Jennifer Knapp last night at 3 a.m., tired sources report.

“Jenny rolled over in her sleep, but it was way more than that,” McElris said, rubbing a bump on his head. “She went to turn over but she kinda hopped up a bit, shifted down into the bed, slid across it, kicked her leg up, and then hit me with her arm. Next thing I knew I was on the floor.”

“I even tried to get back up onto the bed, but Jenny bedgeguarded me and kept swiping at me with her arms to prevent me from doing so,” McElris added. “All while she was asleep.”

According to those familiar with the situation, this is a common occurrence in the apartment shared by McElris and Knapp.

“I basically get JV four-stocked over the course of every week,” McElris explained, holding his head in shame. “I don’t really know what to do. I’ve tried knocking her off the bed too — which feels mean because it’s intentional — but she always managed to block me. Sometimes she does it super quick and her eyes glow yellow; it freaks me out. Again, all while she’s asleep.”

“And don’t tell me to practice — I practice!” he exclaimed. “The other day I took a sick day from work and just spent the whole day in bed, shifting my legs around, trying to roll over pillows and shit. I can’t get any movements down smoothly. I’m a sitting duck out there.”

When asked to comment, all Knapp had to say was, “Oh, did I win?”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Punk Church Features Stained Glass Window of Martyr Who Stayed Past Friends’ Set

Posted on March 8, 2020 by Chuck Kowalski

TOLEDO, Ohio — A local punk church celebrated the addition of a new stained glass window today, commemorating the ultimate sacrifice made by 34-year-old Rosie Covelli, who stayed past her friends’ opening set to watch the entire bill of a weeknight show.

“Forsaken by her friends for Chinese food, Rosie could have followed the path of darkness to the bar across the street,” said congregation leader Dougie “Dick Punch” Boggs. “Yet there she was at 1:45 a.m. embracing, somehow, the word of that guy imitating Rick Ta Life and three hours of pathetic flirtation attempts from local band dudes whose friends didn’t show up. For that, she earned this honor tenfold.”

Boggs explained that such dedication remains rare in the scene, including from higher powers.

“I talk to God, and even He gets flaky and standoffish on a Tuesday night,” he noted, admiring the new mosaic made from PBR, High Life, and Genesee empties. “Saturday He’ll be ready to bless shots of Jager until 4 in the morning, but then the week rolls around and suddenly He’s ‘taking care of shit in South America,’ which means parking His celestial ass on the couch and listening to Clash records until He passes out. Sometimes I think He just pretends not to get my prayers.”

However, others fear Covelli’s selflessness will spur members of the punk church to pass more judgment.

“I go to three or four shows a month; I’m not a ‘see you twice a year’ chick,” said Julie Hooper. “But I miss one church-produced gig and Dougie’s friends send me some guilt-laden texts asking if I’ve ‘lost the faith, child.’ No, dicks, I just can’t do inventory at 6 a.m. with my boots smelling like piss and my ears still ringing from Toledo’s ‘finest,’ meaning only, Christian skacore.”

As of press time, Hooper had stormed to the church to hammer her complaints on the door with her Doc Martens, but canceled after only four of the 93 ‘interested’ parties showed up.

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