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If I’m Such an Alcoholic How Come I’m Still Good to Drive?

Listen pussies, I’m not going to “tone down” my drinking just because you claim I have a problem. Sure, my bar-top dancing got us kicked out of Applebee’s just now but you know what they say, “I’d rather be with the fun people in Hell than the boring people in Applebee’s.” So let’s go to Chili’s! If I’m driving; you’re buying, right?! Haha. What? Alcoholic? No way! Would an alcoholic be able to drive a car right now? Because I totally can.

Alcoholics are not functional. It’s in the definition. At this very moment I could ace a slalom course. No sweat. And I could do it up on two wheels like those Saudi guys in that M.I.A. video. Remember that shit? Fuckin’ awesome. That’s where I’m at right now. Go ahead. Line up some cones. Let’s see which one of us is an alcoholic and which one is a fucking buzzkill.

Trust me, I’m not even close to my limit yet. See, when you’re an alcoholic (which I’m not) you don’t know when to stop. You keep drinking until you find yourself being woken up by the cops in the bushes outside your ex’s apartment, missing several credit cards. And I don’t do that anymore. I used to be an alcoholic but I’m all better now.

Most of the time I’m able to hit that sweet spot where I get a mild, sociable buzz going for a couple days. You know, the kind of buzz where you actually pay more attention to the road. Trust me, I’m a reliable judge of my abilities. That’s why I’ve only ever had one DUI. I passed my limit and now I know what it feels like so it’s impossible for me to ever make that mistake again!

So, yeah, I’m keeping my keys and my dignity. Now if you’re done gaslighting me, let’s drive over to the Yard House. It’s almost 4:30 p.m. and you know what that means: happy hour!