NAZARETH, Pa. — Local teen Brian Miller found his father’s old stash of Playboys while snooping through the garage late last night and is now utterly confused by what used to count as pornography, family sources confirmed.
“Half of this magazine is cigarette ads, and then there’s a nine-page interview with some guy named Gore Vidal. Is he some pornstar with a huge hog or something?” asked the adolescent, who by now has seen enough depraved sex acts that he is forever stunted. “There’s maybe a few pictures of naked chicks in this thing… and this one looks like she’s 50! I guess they didn’t make them wax their bushes back then?”
“Man, I don’t know why my dad keeps these things hidden,” he later added. “None of these women are even getting railed by two dicks at once.”
Brian’s father Doug did not seem worried about the discovery, viewing it as a rite of passage.
“I remember when I first found my dad’s Playboy collection: Jayne Mansfield was on the cover. I was sort of hoping Brian would find these,” Miller wistfully remarked, unaware that his son’s preferred genre of porn involves a sex acts that were banned in most states until the ’70s. “It’s only natural for them to get curious at a certain age, so I’m not too worried about these old magazines causing any serious trouble for him. I just hope he keeps them hidden so his mom doesn’t find them.”
Experts state that the easy access children have to pornography these days has rendered the “finding dad’s Playboys” phenomena obsolete.
“A woman laying on a leopard skin rug and showing her breasts is pretty damn tame by the standards of what these kids have seen,” noted child psychologist Hillary O’Connell. “What magazines like this show are no different than what they would see in an art museum, for God’s sake — they’re just boobs, after all. If their phone-addled minds could actually pay attention to these magazines for more than five minutes, they’re likely to be more engaged by the articles than the nudity. Though, why a teenager would want to read a rambling Norman Mailer short story is beyond me.”
Sources report the younger Miller also discovered his father’s Glock 9mm and couldn’t believe he didn’t own something cooler like an AR-15.