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CDC Recommends Full-Body GWAR Costume to Protect Against Coronavirus

ATLANTA — In an effort to slow the spread of the novel COVID-19, the Center for Disease Control recommended today that U.S. citizens dress in full-body GWAR-style costumes when going out in public as a precaution.

“The advantage of using faux-blood bodypaint, demonic face masks, and heavy layers of latex foam sculpted to look like big-ass skulls with two-foot blades sticking out is twofold,” said CDC spokesman Marcus Chan. “It creates an effective barrier the virus can’t pass through, and if anyone exhibiting symptoms comes too close, you can simply shoot alien semen or viscera at them — say, through a decorative udder.”

The new CDC guideline hasn’t been embraced by the wider public yet, but for the elderly or the immune-compromised, the GWAR suits can offer a sense of security and, according to nurse practitioner Patricia Clemens, “the confidence that we can skullfuck this disease into submission.”

“Sure, it’s primarily a chestplate and mask, and your torso and legs are mostly exposed except for thigh-high boots and loin cloths, but I just mix hand sanitizer in with the bodypaint and stage-blood,” said the 47-year-old Alpharetta, Ga. native. “Not too sure why the CDC insists I also carry this giant alien maggot around with me, though. This administration is so crooked — my neighbor was issued a full cock-and-balls slave with his GWAR getup.”

Despite the rapid spread of the virus, many in the U.S. remain skeptical of the CDC’s recommended steps to prevent illness, and even of the danger of coronavirus itself.

“The government wants people panicked, buying the next fancy expensive face mask and investing in blood cannons. It’s all a scam to prop up Big Latex and turn us into mindless zombies or space barbarians,” said Fort Walton Beach resident Jose Galvan. “If it was that bad, I’d definitely have it by now: I regularly drink my friends’ beers when they’re not looking, and I exclusively smoke refries from random ashtrays to save money. All I’ve got is this weak-ass cough and some lame chest pains. Real scary, guys.”

While the source of recent outbreaks in the U.S. is still unknown, one working theory at the CDC is allegedly that it may have travelled on space debris from the planet Scumdoggia.