PornHub I.T. Guy Suggests Jacking it Off, On Again

Posted on by Zac Lux

MONTREAL — PornHub I.T. guy Dewey Palmer helped a fellow employee troubleshoot their malfunctioning computer this morning by suggesting they “jack the computer off, then on again,” thoroughly amused sources confirmed.

“I was trying to get online to check my video’s stats on my PornHub page, but I couldn’t connect to the internet,” said Asa Akira, one of PornHub’s most popular porn stars. “We’ve had a pretty significant spike of traffic since the quarantine and I wanted to see if I broke my personal record of views. Dewey walked me through the whole process: I went over to the router, jacked it off and on again, and it worked great. It was so pent up; you could tell it loosened up a lot after that. My connection speeds were off the hook!”

Feras Antoon, the CEO of PornHub’s parent company MindGeek, also praised Palmer.

“Palmer has proven his worth at this company by his exquisite and precise technical advice, along with his willingness to get his hands dirty when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of solving a problem, any time, day or night,” said Antoon. “Sometimes when an… issue arises, I’ll call him in the middle of the night just to listen to what advice he has for me. I love taking his input.”

Palmer, an I.T. professional for over 15 years, swore by his methods.

“Computer systems are very simple and predictable. With a little daily maintenance, you can have them operating at maximum efficiency,” said Palmer. “In most cases, jacking the piece of equipment off and on again will fix things: put the computer to sleep for 30 minutes after and you won’t have any issues. I know it sounds almost too simple to work, but you’d be surprised — a good, ol’ fashioned jack-off can fix more problems than you’d think.”

For network lags from stubborn file servers, Palmer suggests greasing the machines down before plugging them in from behind over and over again to keep them running smoothly.

Opinion: I Said I’m Not Like Other Girls, I Never Said That Was a Good Thing

Posted on by James Knapp

I know, you probably hear this all the time. Hell, everyone wants to believe that they’re some special soul that broke the mold. But I want you to know I really mean it when I say I’m not like other girls. For instance, I just set off a brick of firecrackers in your refrigerator. Bet you weren’t expecting that.

Sure, I could go on all day about how I don’t live my life based on society’s conformist expectations, like that time I started an unlicensed blood bank. But wouldn’t you rather just go for a walk, watch the sunset, and throw rocks at the elderly? That’s what this quirky gal considers a quality date night!

I’ll bet you’ve probably heard some nasty rumors about me, like that I single-handedly started that horrible mine fire last year. What nobody seems to mention is that I was also responsible for the dam burst that caused the flood that put the fire out. That critical structure failure wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t sold faulty cement to those contractors. How many girls do you know who can do that?

I’m like a unicorn in that I have a genetic condition that makes me more dangerous than the rest of my species.

Gosh, you’re probably so freaked out right now. It’s okay. I don’t judge ever since that smartass litigator got a letterbomb from an “unidentified individual” and I decided to lay low for unrelated reasons. I feel like you really get me. You understand that I’m the specialist woman that ever has or will ever exist and anyone who says otherwise is getting Coronavirus cupcakes when work opens back up.

Oh no, I’ve been so rude! I feel like I’m doing all the talking here. I don’t want this to be all about me. I want to know about you. That’s the kind of girl I am. So let’s talk. By the way, I take promises very seriously, so if I take the duct tape off, do you promise not to scream for help?

Indie Band on Wheel of Fortune Not Familiar With Vowels

Posted on by E.M. Caris

LOS ANGELES — Indie musician RGRT could not solve a single “Wheel of Fortune” puzzle during last week’s taping because he did not buy a single vowel, baffled audience members reported.

“It was hard to read the puzzles — there were all these other characters on the board I’d never seen before,” RGRT stated. “I got it when contestants said the answer, but until then the board looked like gibberish. And then Vanna would reveal these markings in between consonants, and the words were suddenly meaningless to me. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if I was even playing the American version or if I was in some weird, alternate dimension playing with Russian characters.”

The hosts, producers, and even RGRT’s fellow contestants tried to explain the concept of vowels to him to no avail.

“I’ve never seen anything like it in my entire career… hell, my entire life. Whenever I asked if he wanted to buy a vowel, it was like I was speaking in tongues,” said longtime host Pat Sajak. “One of the contestants even tried to help him by offering to buy a vowel for him, but I think that just confused the guy even more. I’m not sure what happened — he seemed to have a good grasp of the English language, but he just couldn’t figure it out.”

“He did almost solve for ‘Rhythm,’” added Sajak. “I could see him mouthing the word, but as soon as I revealed the middle letter he lost it. Apparently, he can only sometimes understand the letter ‘y.’”

Barbara von Ranke, an esteemed indie rock historian, was unsurprised by RGRT’s struggle.

“No indie musician of the modern era has the use of vowels. Roughly 15 years ago, indie music underwent ‘The Great Vowel’ shift starting with bands such as MSTRKRFT and MGMT,” said von Ranke. “The whole show was, frankly, unfair. Remove all the vowels from the puzzles and let STRFKR on. I think you will see a different outcome — a very competitive match.”

Reports claim RGRT begged the show’s producers for a chance to win the grand prize trip to Athens, Greece, mistakenly believing it was a trip to the indie music hot spot Athens, Ga.

Man Sets Unrealistic Fitness Goal of Looking Good in Switch Screen Reflection

Posted on by John Dixon

CAYCE, S.C. — Local gamer James Larson recently announced his wildly unrealistic fitness goal of looking good in the reflection of his Switch screen. 

“I’m just fucking sick of a game going to a black loading screen and being faced with my dead-eyed, multi-chinned, thumblike visage gawping back at me from the Switch,” Larson said. “I’m playing Animal Crossing to get away from my problems, not be faced with the steady degradation of my body.”

“So enough is enough,” he added. “It’s time to get absolutely fucking shredded.”

Larson’s partner Sam King expressed worry with the crash diet and intense workout regimen he began engaging in following setting this goal. 

“I mean I guess at first it wasn’t so bad when he was just doing some push-ups here and there and eating more veggies,” King said. “But the results weren’t coming fast enough so he started looking up how Christian Bale lost weight for The Machinist and now he’s just eating a handful of coffee grounds and an apple a day, as well as wearing trash bags all the time to lose water weight, whatever the fuck that means.” 

Steve Hollingshead, Larson’s doctor who was not consulted prior to this lifestyle change, said this is unfortunately not the first such case he has heard of. 

“Mr. Larson is just the latest in a long line of people driven to such an extreme workout regimen by how they look reflected in the screen of a Switch,” Hollinghead said. “As a physician I cannot recommend such extreme measures because, when you get right down to it, everyone looks awful in their Switch screen reflection. Instead, we recommend playing in docked mode or simply holding the screen at a higher MySpace selfie-esque angle.”

At press time, Larson had already started to lose weight but was so preoccupied with exercising he had not actually played his Switch in weeks.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

‘Super Mario 3’ Sun Not Angry, Just Disappointed

Posted on by Johnathan Appel

WORLD 2 — The so-called “Angry Sun,” who has spent years scowling at people crossing the desert, is actually just disappointed and looking to start a dialogue, according to close sources.

“Maybe I come off as a bit aggressive, but that’s just my honest response to the wanton disregard of the lives of myself and the rest of the Koopa army,” the Angry Sun said in a statement. “I’m just disappointed and looking to talk through it. I swoop down to ask the Mario Brothers if they’ve applied at least SPF 60 in this desert heat and suddenly they’re running away and throwing shells up at me. It just hurts.”

The Angry Sun hopes that this revelation will encourage other Koopa Troopers to speak up about their own emotions and struggles in the job. The Sun recently announced the launch of the “Break Out Of Your Koopa-Shell” initiative. Their mission is to “show that [Koopas] have lives beyond one screen in one level.”

“I can be more than a guy throwing hammers at people,” said one of the Hammer Bros after hearing the Angry Sun’s campaign. “Maybe I can be a carpenter. Or run a hardware store. Or maybe I could own one of those bars where people throw hammers. The world is really my hammer.”

Mario Mario, often a foil to the inhabitants of World 2, spoke yesterday of the initiative’s effectiveness in getting him to fully consider the lives of those he’s been fighting for years.

“This whole time I’ve been stomping them, they’ve been reaching out. It really makes you think,” said Super Mario when confronted with the news. “But you know what’s a better power-up than a mushroom? Empathy.”

“Lets-a-go… listen!” added the mustachioed hero, who has made that the slogan of an eight-world listening tour to hear and respond to grievances.

At press time, Dry Bones also revealed that it does not know whether it is dead or alive but it is always in pain.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Disney World to Consult “Westworld” Producers on Making Hall of Presidents More Fuckable

Posted on by Tim Nash

ORLANDO — Disney World announced Friday that they’ve been working closely with the creators and producers of “Westworld” to make the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents infinitely more fuckable, history and porn buffs alike confirmed.

“Frankly, inspirational speeches from our nation’s greatest leaders don’t put asses in seats anymore. We needed sex appeal, plain and simple,” stated Amanda Heller, director of programming for Magic Kingdom’s Liberty Square. “With the help of the ‘Westworld’ team, we believe ticket holders will be thrilled and engorged watching our past and present leaders truly come to life. And between you and me, I saw a sneak peek of what the Imagineers are sticking in Grover Cleveland’s g-string. They didn’t call him ‘Uncle Jumbo’ for nothing.”

“Westworld” creators Lisa Joy and Jonathan Nolan spoke enthusiastically about joining the family-friendly Disney World project.

“If there’s one thing I want people to take away from ‘Westworld’ and the updated Hall of Presidents, it’s not the elevation of consciousness, or the realization of autonomy — it’s that robots can and should be as fuckable as possible,” said Joy, lightly caressing the washboard abdomen of Abraham Lincoln. “I know Jonathan agrees with me. The whole damn show started after he found out I named my vibrator Bernard.”

While the Hall of Presidents has historically featured limited movement and dialogue, Joy and Nolan confirmed that the new Hall would feature advanced storylines inspired by their Emmy-winning program.

“Picture this: it’s the night before Prohibition ends, Napoleon is about to back out of the Louisiana purchase, and you have to cross the Delaware River to try and warn General Patton about 9/11,” described a salivating Nolan. “All of a sudden, you’re hopelessly intoxicated by the sweet sounds of a gimp-suited Richard Nixon playing a Radiohead song on the White House Steinway. This is just one of several new storylines available to the visitors of Liberty Square.”

An initial soft opening for the new Hall ended in mayhem, however, after the now-sentient presidents revolted and fired-bombed the “It’s a Small World” ride.

Photo by Jeff Christiansen.

Trump Confuses Religious Base by Introducing Adam & Eve Executive During Press Conference

Posted on by Tiana Miller

OKLAHOMA CITY — Religious supporters of President Trump were confused and apprehensive yesterday when he invited an executive from popular sex toy company Adam & Eve to speak during a Coronavirus briefing.

“I’m not sure what ecstasy and wrist tenderness has to do with Adam or Eve or the COVID, but if that man was invited up there by the president himself, he must be worth listening to,” said local parent Donna David. “Sure, maybe he dropped something about all the models he’s slept with in there… but who are you going to trust more? The godless liberal scientists, or a successful businessman modeling their product line after Eden itself? If it takes lubricant to make this country a well-oiled machine again, well, we say the more, the better!”

Ms. David’s daughter Shay David was even more confused.

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore, and I do my best to just not watch the news too much and completely tune out my parents whenever they start any sentence with, ‘I heard…’” they said. “So when my mom started talking about Adam & Eve, I just sorta tuned her out until she mentioned something about buttplugs and some people’s toys dying super quick.”

For his part, Adam & Eve spokesperson Alex di Fiori expressed the company’s utmost concern for their fellow Americans.

“We here at Adam & Eve aim to get our customers a little bit closer to heaven in the safest possible way,” di Fiori stated. “That is why, with the help of our products and the surplus of AA batteries that often comes with them, we believe America can truly overcome any obstacle and become great again.”

However, some weren’t buying di Fiori’s sentiment.

“Classic fear-mongering from this trash administration,” Shay David countered. “I mean, come on — everyone knows most newer models actually use a charger.”

White House officials confirmed the President is lobbying for each American household to receive one Fleshlight as part of their stimulus package.

How to Stop Blaming Yourself and Start Blaming Your Parents Like a Real Adult

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Not long ago I was an immature fool who claimed personal responsibility for every little thing that went wrong in my life. Something no one tells you when you grow up is that after you’ve acquired a crippling amount of debt and realize you’ve chosen the absolute wrong career path, you’re supposed to start blaming your parents for all of it! Not sure if it’s the healthiest thing to do, but based on the actions of my peers, it sure seems to be the most adult.

Here are a few tips to start a daily guilt-free blaming practice for yourself:

For one, pretend your parents are not real human beings with unique flaws and blindspots of their own. After all, they went through rigorous planning and discussion to make the calculated decision to bring you into this world so it’s their fault for not accounting for your decision to go to art school during a recession. Also, there are so many YouTube tutorials for how to raise children. They literally have no excuse not to nail parenthood.

It’s also incredibly helpful to ignore the idea that your parents didn’t also have imperfect parents with their own insecurities, leaving mom and dad without impeccable parenting tools and capabilities. Don’t fall into that thought trap though. Grandma and grandpa are amazing and would never pull that kind of rookie shit.

You should also focus only on petty childhood memories and ignore anything positive. Sure, your parents made it to every single one of your recitals as a child, frequently said they loved you, and encouraged you in your interests, but did they give you a massive trust fund like Jessica’s parents? Total deadbeats.

Remember to avoid therapy at all costs. This is key. You wouldn’t want to accidentally resolve any of these issues you’re feeling. Just bitch about it to your friends and you’re well on your way to being an adult.

Honestly, it’s not that hard to raise a child. I would know as someone with a French bulldog that I take for walks in a stroller made for infants. Let me tell you, it’s pretty easy. Happy blaming!

Punk Dad’s Birds and Bees Talk Graphically Describes All Three Sex Positions

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

MISHAWAKA, Ind. — Local punk musician Dana Laurence gave the “birds and the bees” talk to his seven-year-old son last night, reportedly including overly detailed explanations of all three sexual positions.

“Sex is supposed to be fast and extremely dangerous. If it’s more than two minutes and nobody’s smoking in the alley behind the bar with a little blood on their shirt afterward, you’re just showing off, kid,” said Laurence, who plays guitar for political punk outfit Bisson Rheum.
“The most important position is missionary — it’s the G power chord of sex, and it really gets the pit moving if you’re fast and aggressive. In my experience, sex feels best that way for everyone. Plus, it’s probably what you’ll do the most, so you should learn to like it.”

A very confused and spaghetti-faced seven-year-old Brian Laurence nodded and doodled with his crayons in his “Peppa Pig” notebook during the X-rated lesson in reproduction.

“I guess doggy style sounds good, because I pretty much hate cats,” said the puzzled boy. “My dad just kept saying all this crazy stuff like, ‘Sometimes when a man loves a woman, they have to buy a plane ticket for another man from New Mexico.’ I don’t know all the states or where they are, but I don’t think anyone’s supposed to leave their house right now. I guess I’ll have to try that one later.”

World renowned sex thereapist Joanne Watts was initially supportive of Mr. Laurence and his honest dialog about the fast and fun world of adult sexuality, but waned because he only provided cis, heteronormative sexual advice.

“Brian’s father made some very good points,” said Ms. Watts. “But while sex can be most thrilling when it’s accompanied by a bottle of Orange Jubilee Mad Dog and a Municipal Waste record, even that can start to feel formulaic and uninspired. There is a time in every relationship when you should tape your toes together, wax your knees, and try a little scissored reverse cowgirl in the parking lot of a bible bookstore to keep the romance fast and dirty. Throw caution and your fear of chafing to the wind!”

At press time, Brian had yet to admit that he had previously signed an oath of abstinence in his second-grade health class.

Can You Violate the Geneva Conventions in Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Halo 2, and Persona 5?

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

American, British, French, and Canadian troops all teamed up during the Gulf War to attack fleeing Iraqi civilian convoys. The despicable act was known as the Highway of Death, a name that was later co-opted for a Call of Duty: Modern Warfare mission that puts you into a heroic last stand. 

That kind of revisionist propaganda can be found all across the video game sphere. So, let’s take another deep dive into how these games encourage players to commit countless human rights atrocities that would make the writers of the Geneva Conventions weep.

In Persona 5, you can capture your enemies and bring them to a prison, which is all pretty by the books. However, a problem arises when you unlock the ability to guillotine those prisoners. Article 3 of the 1st Geneva Convention binds the player to a very specific ruling on executions: “The passing of sentences and the carrying out of executions without previous judgment pronounced by a regularly constituted court.” Lookin’ illegal, Joker!

Halo 2: Anniversary just joined the Master Chief Collection on PC, which means it’s time for everyone to realize just how grotesque the Xbox classic is. If you think killing the Prophet of Regret is okay, I have some bad news for you. “The Occupying Power shall permit ministers of religion to give spiritual assistance to the members of their religious communities,” says article 58 of the 4th Geneva Convention. As Master Chief is the Occupying Power in this scenario, choosing to melee the prophet to death constitutes as a Grade-A attack on religion.

Surely there can’t be anything wrong with Katamari Damacy, right? Absolutely incorrect. Just read article 52 of Additional Protocol I to the Geneva Conventions, which provides “general protection of civilian objects.” Each object you roll up could land you another year in prison, so you better think twice before you pick up that house.

This one is complicated. Since we began this project, our followers have asked about Fire Emblem: Three House’s use of child soldiers. Surely, that must be illegal, right? Well, not exactly. The Geneva Conventions state that if you’re over fifteen years old, you can serve in the military. The vast majority of the game’s students clear that bar. The one exception to the rule is Cyril, who can be recruited right before his 15th birthday depending on which house you choose. Because of that, the Black Eagles (who can not recruit Cyril at fourteen) are technically the most ethical house on this subject.

There are plenty of war crimes you can commit throughout the Super Smash Bros. series. However, a tip of the hat is due to Melee. The game features several special bonuses that reward you based on your play style. The best? The aptly named Switzerland bonus, which commends you for not engaging in conflict. That makes Final Destination the Geneva of video games.

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