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How to Stop Blaming Yourself and Start Blaming Your Parents Like a Real Adult

Not long ago I was an immature fool who claimed personal responsibility for every little thing that went wrong in my life. Something no one tells you when you grow up is that after you’ve acquired a crippling amount of debt and realize you’ve chosen the absolute wrong career path, you’re supposed to start blaming your parents for all of it! Not sure if it’s the healthiest thing to do, but based on the actions of my peers, it sure seems to be the most adult.

Here are a few tips to start a daily guilt-free blaming practice for yourself:

For one, pretend your parents are not real human beings with unique flaws and blindspots of their own. After all, they went through rigorous planning and discussion to make the calculated decision to bring you into this world so it’s their fault for not accounting for your decision to go to art school during a recession. Also, there are so many YouTube tutorials for how to raise children. They literally have no excuse not to nail parenthood.

It’s also incredibly helpful to ignore the idea that your parents didn’t also have imperfect parents with their own insecurities, leaving mom and dad without impeccable parenting tools and capabilities. Don’t fall into that thought trap though. Grandma and grandpa are amazing and would never pull that kind of rookie shit.

You should also focus only on petty childhood memories and ignore anything positive. Sure, your parents made it to every single one of your recitals as a child, frequently said they loved you, and encouraged you in your interests, but did they give you a massive trust fund like Jessica’s parents? Total deadbeats.

Remember to avoid therapy at all costs. This is key. You wouldn’t want to accidentally resolve any of these issues you’re feeling. Just bitch about it to your friends and you’re well on your way to being an adult.

Honestly, it’s not that hard to raise a child. I would know as someone with a French bulldog that I take for walks in a stroller made for infants. Let me tell you, it’s pretty easy. Happy blaming!