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Trump Confuses Religious Base by Introducing Adam & Eve Executive During Press Conference

OKLAHOMA CITY — Religious supporters of President Trump were confused and apprehensive yesterday when he invited an executive from popular sex toy company Adam & Eve to speak during a Coronavirus briefing.

“I’m not sure what ecstasy and wrist tenderness has to do with Adam or Eve or the COVID, but if that man was invited up there by the president himself, he must be worth listening to,” said local parent Donna David. “Sure, maybe he dropped something about all the models he’s slept with in there… but who are you going to trust more? The godless liberal scientists, or a successful businessman modeling their product line after Eden itself? If it takes lubricant to make this country a well-oiled machine again, well, we say the more, the better!”

Ms. David’s daughter Shay David was even more confused.

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore, and I do my best to just not watch the news too much and completely tune out my parents whenever they start any sentence with, ‘I heard…’” they said. “So when my mom started talking about Adam & Eve, I just sorta tuned her out until she mentioned something about buttplugs and some people’s toys dying super quick.”

For his part, Adam & Eve spokesperson Alex di Fiori expressed the company’s utmost concern for their fellow Americans.

“We here at Adam & Eve aim to get our customers a little bit closer to heaven in the safest possible way,” di Fiori stated. “That is why, with the help of our products and the surplus of AA batteries that often comes with them, we believe America can truly overcome any obstacle and become great again.”

However, some weren’t buying di Fiori’s sentiment.

“Classic fear-mongering from this trash administration,” Shay David countered. “I mean, come on — everyone knows most newer models actually use a charger.”

White House officials confirmed the President is lobbying for each American household to receive one Fleshlight as part of their stimulus package.