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Opinion: I Said I’m Not Like Other Girls, I Never Said That Was a Good Thing

I know, you probably hear this all the time. Hell, everyone wants to believe that they’re some special soul that broke the mold. But I want you to know I really mean it when I say I’m not like other girls. For instance, I just set off a brick of firecrackers in your refrigerator. Bet you weren’t expecting that.

Sure, I could go on all day about how I don’t live my life based on society’s conformist expectations, like that time I started an unlicensed blood bank. But wouldn’t you rather just go for a walk, watch the sunset, and throw rocks at the elderly? That’s what this quirky gal considers a quality date night!

I’ll bet you’ve probably heard some nasty rumors about me, like that I single-handedly started that horrible mine fire last year. What nobody seems to mention is that I was also responsible for the dam burst that caused the flood that put the fire out. That critical structure failure wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t sold faulty cement to those contractors. How many girls do you know who can do that?

I’m like a unicorn in that I have a genetic condition that makes me more dangerous than the rest of my species.

Gosh, you’re probably so freaked out right now. It’s okay. I don’t judge ever since that smartass litigator got a letterbomb from an “unidentified individual” and I decided to lay low for unrelated reasons. I feel like you really get me. You understand that I’m the specialist woman that ever has or will ever exist and anyone who says otherwise is getting Coronavirus cupcakes when work opens back up.

Oh no, I’ve been so rude! I feel like I’m doing all the talking here. I don’t want this to be all about me. I want to know about you. That’s the kind of girl I am. So let’s talk. By the way, I take promises very seriously, so if I take the duct tape off, do you promise not to scream for help?