MISHAWAKA, Ind. — Local punk musician Dana Laurence gave the “birds and the bees” talk to his seven-year-old son last night, reportedly including overly detailed explanations of all three sexual positions.
“Sex is supposed to be fast and extremely dangerous. If it’s more than two minutes and nobody’s smoking in the alley behind the bar with a little blood on their shirt afterward, you’re just showing off, kid,” said Laurence, who plays guitar for political punk outfit Bisson Rheum.
“The most important position is missionary — it’s the G power chord of sex, and it really gets the pit moving if you’re fast and aggressive. In my experience, sex feels best that way for everyone. Plus, it’s probably what you’ll do the most, so you should learn to like it.”
A very confused and spaghetti-faced seven-year-old Brian Laurence nodded and doodled with his crayons in his “Peppa Pig” notebook during the X-rated lesson in reproduction.
“I guess doggy style sounds good, because I pretty much hate cats,” said the puzzled boy. “My dad just kept saying all this crazy stuff like, ‘Sometimes when a man loves a woman, they have to buy a plane ticket for another man from New Mexico.’ I don’t know all the states or where they are, but I don’t think anyone’s supposed to leave their house right now. I guess I’ll have to try that one later.”
World renowned sex thereapist Joanne Watts was initially supportive of Mr. Laurence and his honest dialog about the fast and fun world of adult sexuality, but waned because he only provided cis, heteronormative sexual advice.
“Brian’s father made some very good points,” said Ms. Watts. “But while sex can be most thrilling when it’s accompanied by a bottle of Orange Jubilee Mad Dog and a Municipal Waste record, even that can start to feel formulaic and uninspired. There is a time in every relationship when you should tape your toes together, wax your knees, and try a little scissored reverse cowgirl in the parking lot of a bible bookstore to keep the romance fast and dirty. Throw caution and your fear of chafing to the wind!”
At press time, Brian had yet to admit that he had previously signed an oath of abstinence in his second-grade health class.