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PornHub I.T. Guy Suggests Jacking it Off, On Again

MONTREAL — PornHub I.T. guy Dewey Palmer helped a fellow employee troubleshoot their malfunctioning computer this morning by suggesting they “jack the computer off, then on again,” thoroughly amused sources confirmed.

“I was trying to get online to check my video’s stats on my PornHub page, but I couldn’t connect to the internet,” said Asa Akira, one of PornHub’s most popular porn stars. “We’ve had a pretty significant spike of traffic since the quarantine and I wanted to see if I broke my personal record of views. Dewey walked me through the whole process: I went over to the router, jacked it off and on again, and it worked great. It was so pent up; you could tell it loosened up a lot after that. My connection speeds were off the hook!”

Feras Antoon, the CEO of PornHub’s parent company MindGeek, also praised Palmer.

“Palmer has proven his worth at this company by his exquisite and precise technical advice, along with his willingness to get his hands dirty when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of solving a problem, any time, day or night,” said Antoon. “Sometimes when an… issue arises, I’ll call him in the middle of the night just to listen to what advice he has for me. I love taking his input.”

Palmer, an I.T. professional for over 15 years, swore by his methods.

“Computer systems are very simple and predictable. With a little daily maintenance, you can have them operating at maximum efficiency,” said Palmer. “In most cases, jacking the piece of equipment off and on again will fix things: put the computer to sleep for 30 minutes after and you won’t have any issues. I know it sounds almost too simple to work, but you’d be surprised — a good, ol’ fashioned jack-off can fix more problems than you’d think.”

For network lags from stubborn file servers, Palmer suggests greasing the machines down before plugging them in from behind over and over again to keep them running smoothly.