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Disney World to Consult “Westworld” Producers on Making Hall of Presidents More Fuckable

ORLANDO — Disney World announced Friday that they’ve been working closely with the creators and producers of “Westworld” to make the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents infinitely more fuckable, history and porn buffs alike confirmed.

“Frankly, inspirational speeches from our nation’s greatest leaders don’t put asses in seats anymore. We needed sex appeal, plain and simple,” stated Amanda Heller, director of programming for Magic Kingdom’s Liberty Square. “With the help of the ‘Westworld’ team, we believe ticket holders will be thrilled and engorged watching our past and present leaders truly come to life. And between you and me, I saw a sneak peek of what the Imagineers are sticking in Grover Cleveland’s g-string. They didn’t call him ‘Uncle Jumbo’ for nothing.”

“Westworld” creators Lisa Joy and Jonathan Nolan spoke enthusiastically about joining the family-friendly Disney World project.

“If there’s one thing I want people to take away from ‘Westworld’ and the updated Hall of Presidents, it’s not the elevation of consciousness, or the realization of autonomy — it’s that robots can and should be as fuckable as possible,” said Joy, lightly caressing the washboard abdomen of Abraham Lincoln. “I know Jonathan agrees with me. The whole damn show started after he found out I named my vibrator Bernard.”

While the Hall of Presidents has historically featured limited movement and dialogue, Joy and Nolan confirmed that the new Hall would feature advanced storylines inspired by their Emmy-winning program.

“Picture this: it’s the night before Prohibition ends, Napoleon is about to back out of the Louisiana purchase, and you have to cross the Delaware River to try and warn General Patton about 9/11,” described a salivating Nolan. “All of a sudden, you’re hopelessly intoxicated by the sweet sounds of a gimp-suited Richard Nixon playing a Radiohead song on the White House Steinway. This is just one of several new storylines available to the visitors of Liberty Square.”

An initial soft opening for the new Hall ended in mayhem, however, after the now-sentient presidents revolted and fired-bombed the “It’s a Small World” ride.

Photo by Jeff Christiansen.