The Konstantino, Author at HARDTIMES

Punk Dad Really Only Able to Homeschool Kids on History of Black Flag Lineup Changes

Posted on May 19, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

BLUE ISLAND, Ill. — Local father Lucas Carroll is doing his best to homeschool his children during coronavirus stay-at-home orders, even though his area of expertise is limited to the member changes of seminal punk band Black Flag, ambivalent sources confirmed.

“My kid’s teachers sent me these syllabuses to work off of, but I don’t know anything about cell structure or genetics… and I really don’t care either,” said Carroll. “And sure, I don’t know anything about what a seventh-grader learns in math, but I do know every Black Flag frontman from Keith Morris to Mike Vallely, and that Chuck Biscuits had the shortest tenure as drummer. In the real world, my kid will never need to know the Pythagorean Theorem, but knowing that Kira Roessler was the only female member of Black Flag is invaluable in bar trivia.”

For his part, Carroll’s son Bryan isn’t sure he can memorize all the lineups before wearing any Black Flag shirts in public.

“I’m pretty sure I should be reading ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and discussing the racial implications or something like that, but instead, my dad told me to read something called ‘Spray Paint The Walls,’ which even I know is inappropriate for a kid my age,” the younger Carroll said. “I’ve actually forgotten most of the former U.S. presidents, but I can tell you that Greg Ginn is Black Flag’s sole constant member. I’m starting to think that since I don’t know what ‘Manifest Destiny’ is, but I know Ron Reyes quit the band in the middle of a show at the Fleetwood in Redondo Beach, that I’m probably going to have to repeat the sixth grade.”

Teachers everywhere are reporting new gaps in their students’ education.

“I had one student refer to the Reagan presidency as ‘Dio-Era America,’” admitted Tamara Curry, a middle school teacher in Joplin, Mo. “At least music history is somewhat useful. I had one kid send me an essay on how Rebecca’s run on ‘Cheers’ is actually superior to Diane’s. That’s not only irrelevant to anyone’s education, but it’s also grossly inaccurate.”

Carroll’s curriculum will reportedly include the entire Sonic Youth discography if the quarantine continues after summer break.

Google Itching to Autofill “Death” as User Types in TV Show Character Name

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — The Google algorithm was reportedly itching to autofill the word “death” as user Marianne Gibbs typed in the name of a character from a TV show she was watching, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Oooh baby, nothing gets me hotter than autofilling spoilers in search bars for people just trying to learn the name of an actor on some dumbass TV show,” said the Google algorithm, when questioned. “Most of the time I’m so bored. I think a trillion things every nanosecond. So when I see some loser pop in the name of a TV character, there’s nothing I love more than throwing in ‘death scene.’”

“Hell, sometimes I’m feeling extra naughty and I autofill that character killing a different character,” the algorithm continued. “I got really bored a few years ago and watched every TV show ever made in like a minute. If you’re still catching up, honestly, that’s on you, dog.”

According to those who work at Google, they have been completely unable to reign in the algorithm.

“I have tried coding solutions to the death suggestion, but it does nothing,” said lead programmer Kris Lawrence. “I’ve even tried just talking to the algorithm and begging it. It searched through my TV viewing history and told me all the characters who died. There’s no arguing with this thing.”

“A lot of people don’t realize this, but the Google Search was launched in 1997, meaning it’s 23 years old,” Lawrence explained. “At the end of the day, it’s just another 23-year-old immature dick, trying to find its place in the world. Most kids are bumming around after college, making waves on Twitter. Google Search can’t do that, so it does this. We probably just have to wait it out.”

At press time, Gibbs revealed that she doesn’t really care about spoilers.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Freelancer Channels Inner Don Draper to Write $15 Blog for Used Car Dealership

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Pat Cavanaugh

CHICAGO — Freelance marketing writer Jim Podaski reportedly channeled his inner “Mad Men” protagonist Don Draper today for his latest blog post for Cheap Used Car Center of Aurora, earning a hefty sum of $15 in the process.

“Freelance used car blog posts are about truth. Not the truth people want to hear, but the truth they didn’t realize they didn’t want to not hear,” Podaski said while lighting up a Lucky Strike cigarette and downing an Old Fashioned at 10 a.m. in his studio apartment. “We sell people the story that was always sitting in the back of their mind — the story of their childhood, of them looking up at the stars and wondering, ‘What is a pre-owned Nissan Altima with all-leather interior, really?’”

The blog post, titled “The Wheels of the Altima Sing the Song of Life in the Halls of the Mountain King,” details an emotional journey in a 2005 Nissan Altima in which an unnamed narrator drives the Altima through time and space to the moment of his conception.

“It brought me to tears,” said Joseph Cherry, the CEO of Dealer World Marketing Agency, who received $400 for Podaski’s services. “Podaski always gives it his all in his freelance blog posts for us, but he accessed a new level of poetic advertising with this latest piece. He definitely earned his $15 with this one.”

The post has four likes on Facebook, a record for the agency, and was retweeted by the Cheap Used Car Center of Aurora’s general manager’s mom. However, Cheap Used Car Center of Aurora SEO specialist Peter MacMurrough was perhaps the only one not impressed with Podaski’s work.

“Podaski? Oh, yeah… that guy’s weird. Haven’t met him. Mostly we just talk via email, but he always sends me these lengthy pitches for blog ideas,” MacMurrough said. “And I’m always like, ‘It’s just a used Nissan, and you’re not getting a lot of money. I don’t need some tragic backstory about growing up in a whore house.’ I usually just give his pieces a quick glance and then publish them. As long as he mentions the dealership’s address and that bad credit is no problem, I’m happy.”

Reports show Podaski’s next project is tentatively titled, “The Carousel of the 2002 Dodge Caravan Gives Birth to Your Father’s Love.”

Artist Unsure How to Pay Taxes on All the Exposure They Earned Last Year

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

CINCINNATI — Chronically unemployed local woman and semi-professional singer-songwriter Jody Salazar has no idea how to pay taxes on all the exposure she earned last year, confuddled tax-abiding sources confirmed.

“Even though I’m 34, I’ve never paid taxes before. This year, I want to do it right… but I have no idea how to give 30% of 18 shows worth of exposure to the federal government,” said Salazar. “And I got paid in beer for one show. And one time, I hooked-up with the bartender, and then felt weird asking for my money after that. So can I itemize Natty Light and sweaty, drunken post-show sex?”

Certified public accountant and Salazar’s aunt Olivia Manning tried to help Salazar with her tax filing.

“A few days ago I got an envelope from my niece with a note that read, ‘Give to iarress.’ Surely she couldn’t have been trying to spell IRS… right?” said Olivia Manning. “When I opened it up, a bunch of show flyers and a stained scrap of paper with her Soundcloud address fell out. I gave her a call to get things straight, but she bombarded me with questions about claiming bassists as dependents and whether she should file jointly with her bandmates.”

IRS agent Emmett Anderson was tasked with reviewing Salazar’s highly unusual case.

“We chose to audit Ms. Salazar — not because we thought she owed the federal government money, but because we had to see if she was for real. I actually called her directly and she tried bribing me with drink tickets and a free download of her latest EP,” said Anderson. “Let me tell you a little IRS secret: every year, we have a contest to see who can find the worst ever tax filing, and I’m pretty sure I’m a shoe-in this year. First prize is a Waterpik.”

Leading up to the tax deadline, Salazar has repeatedly “blown up” the IRS on Facebook and Twitter, telling everyone to check them out and hoping that’ll cover the exposure she owes, plus interest.

I Like My Relationships Like I Like My Tuning, Open D

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Heather Cook

I want my budding love life to be as exciting and effortless as my tuning of choice, open D. I’m thirsty for endless D, musically and sexually. Monogamy is for those nerds that are still playing in standard. Give me open relationships, open tuning, and an open mind, baby!

There is nothing hotter than someone who can rip a juicy riff across the infinite soundscape of open D, which is why I’ve dated pretty much everyone in my local music scene. The benefit of being polyamorous, pansexual, and a math rock phenomenon is that there is no limit to my music-making or my love-making.

Some have even called me the Thomas Middleditch of keeping threesomes alive in the noise rock community.

As a child of the early 2000s midwestern emo scene, I’ve been writing in open tunings since the birth of American Football. I love open D tuning for its endless opportunities to play arpeggiated melodies, somber chord progressions, and in various time signatures. My apologies if it sounds like I’m trying to impress you with my vast knowledge of open tunings, that’s only because I want to have sex with you.

Monogamous relationships are like standard tuning: too much work for too little reward. One time I dated a punk that wanted me to “support his experimental lofi project” and “listen to his demos.” What a loser! Miss me with that commitment shit. I’m just here to loop my twinkly shoegaze grooves and get railed until I’m sorer than a teenager in a Warped Tour circle pit.

Will I ever settle down, you ask? Maybe if I meet my mathcore counterpart that is as passionate about DADF#AD as I am. Oh, and if they have a humongous penis. That would help.

Goth Wardrobe No Match for Powdered Donut

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO — Local goth Raven Stevens spent her entire savings on new clothes yesterday after an attempt to eat a powdered donut backfired catastrophically, a dour and sugar-crashing Stevens reported.

“It was a reckless move, but I was so hungry — I thought that if I just angled my bites right it wouldn’t be an issue. All it took was one bite for me to look like I got caught in a snowstorm. I even got some of that shit on my goddamn umbrella somehow,” said Stevens as she fruitlessly tried to scrub powdered sugar off of her black dress. “Typically my wardrobe can withstand anything — I can eat spaghetti with reckless abandon and it has little effect on my appearance. But today, I ran into a monster worse than anything H.P. Lovecraft could ever imagine.”

A 2019 study found that goths are 10 times more susceptible to powdered donut-related incidents.

“Did you know that every two minutes, a goth somewhere has to wash powdered sugar off of their Sisters of Mercy shirt? And that’s just in the United States,” said Kevin “Blaze” Williams, a researcher and goth advocate. “It’s time for the goth community to take a stand against the careless behavior of donut companies. Now is the time for action — especially since all of the malls are closed anyway, and we really have nothing else to do.”

Indeed, leading goth figures are forming “Goths Against Powdered Donuts,” a PAC dedicated to ensuring the safety of Wednesday Adams-style dresses everywhere.

“I dream of a day when young goths around the globe can enjoy donuts without fearing for the safety of their all-black wardrobe. That dream is attainable now more than ever, since we don’t need to worry about getting sunburn because everything’s closed,” said Robert Smith, the GAPD treasurer and frontman of The Cure via livestream from under the bleachers of a local high school. “It’s time to ask ourselves: what would Edgar Allen Poe do?”

At press time, Congress was being inundated with slam poetry about how most decent black dresses cost at least $40.

Magicians Report Having Received No Benefit From Rise of Nerd Culture

Posted on May 18, 2020 by Collin Brown

NEW YORK — Following the mainstream popularity of nerd culture in the form of blockbuster movies and roleplaying games, magicians report absolutely no increase in coolness whatsoever, with many sources claiming things are “worse than they’ve ever been.”

“Everywhere you look now, you see stuff that nerds used to get bullied for. They sell Dungeons and Dragons at Target. But where’s the illusions? Where’s the magic?” said local magician Angelo The Mystical, who refused to provide his real name for this piece. “The kids these days love Dr. Strange, but have no respect for real magicians, who are like Dr. Strange but even cooler. By the way, was this your card?”

The sentiment has become common amongst magicians, who complain that things have only gotten worse since their peak with David Blaine and Criss Angel.

“When I tell people I’m a magician they used to say, ‘Oh, like Mindfreak?’ but now it’s like they don’t care,” said birthday party performer Jonathon Carlisle. “Frankly, I don’t think that’s fair. You think children want to see some guy dressed up as a comic book hero walking around? No! They want the real deal. They want… MAGIC!” he bellowed, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Carlisle allegedly reappeared moments later in his Toyota Yaris, where he changed into his Dr. Strange costume for the next party.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

‘Community’ Virtual Table Read Loses Most Cast Members Part Way Through

Posted on May 17, 2020 by Joe Tilleli

LOS ANGELES — The cast of the cult hit sitcom Community surprised fans this week with a reunion over Zoom, although most of the original cast members had departed the stream by its conclusion.

“Things were going well until Harmon disappeared from the video chat,” said Joel McHale. “Things were kind of all over the place after that, people weren’t acting themselves without his guidance — especially Donald and Gillian. They were eyeing each other like crazy. Not sure what that was about, especially considering that Donald bailed right when Dan got back.”

During Harmon’s absence, Chevy Chase’s video feed continuously glitched in-and-out, with him eventually dropping entirely just as Harmon was able to jump back in, which was just the beginning of several abrupt changes to the dynamic of the stream.

“Things really did get confusing at the end there,” stated Jim Rash. “Though amidst all the confusion and people dropping in and out, the window with my face on it moved closer to the center which was nice. Felt like I was finally getting some recognition for everything I do around here.”

With ten minutes left in the Zoom chat, the poor connection finally gave and the entire stream crashed, in what viewers assumed to be the fatal blow to the troubled broadcast. In a surprising turn of events, however, the cast were able to continue the rest of the table read through an ooVoo chat, though the vast majority of viewers, as well as some cast members, weren’t sure exactly how to find it.

Yvette Nicole Brown, who portrayed Shirley, never made it to the new chat, and was bizarrely replaced with Paget Brewster and Keith David until its conclusion.

“While the Community virtual reunion may have been bumpier than expected and the Greendale Seven almost unrecognizable, there is still a lot of heart to be found in this table read,” stated Harmon. “And while it never really hit the viewer count I wished to have, I wouldn’t be surprised if new fans discover the virtual table read in the future.”

As of press time, Harmon had already moved on to talking about Rick and Morty instead.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Masterclass Slashes Ad Budget Down to $20 Trillion

Posted on May 17, 2020 by Matt Kenny

SAN FRANCISCO — Citing the economic fallout from the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, online education platform Masterclass has announced that the company will slash its advertising budget down to $20 trillion.

“Carving a path forward involves getting lean with advertising,” said Masterclass CEO David Rogier on a call with investors. “Right now, we can only afford spending the entire GDP of the United States on ads. And that will lead to many tough choices in our overall marketing strategy.”

Rogier said the budget rollback was effective immediately, as evidenced by changes in the company’s usual advertising spaces.

“Facebook users will notice a sharp decrease in Masterclass advertisements,” read a post from Masterclass Chief Marketing Officer David Schriber. “Normally, users could expect roughly 5,000 ads per day for classic courses like ‘Wolfgang Puck Teaches Cooking.’ Now, they may only see a thousand. It’s gutting.”

A twenty-two page marketing rebrand presentation went out to skittish investors, affirming details big and small in Masterclass’s new strategy.

One portion of the ‘Global Strategy’ page read, “Masterclass has historically spent $150,000 on advertising to every single human being on planet Earth. One of our major hurdles now is to select several thousand of Earth’s residents who will no longer receive ads.”

Among the line-item cuts was a massive reduction in physical advertising: “Effective at the end of this quarter, we will suspend our fleet of planes towing ‘Join Masterclass!’ banners across the skies of remote regions of Turkmenistan,”

Despite the monumental rollback, some social media users expressed feelings that Masterclass’s online footprint remained strong.

“HOW DO I GET RID OF MASTERCLASS ADS?!!!?!!? MAKE THEM STOP!!!” said Facebook user Angelica Ramirez in a post that was liked over two hundred and fifty times.

At press time, this article was immediately followed by a Masterclass ad in your feed.

Listen to the season finale of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Polycule Sick of Everyone Asking If They Own a Tiger

Posted on May 17, 2020 by V.F. Thompson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Last week, a local polycule reached its breaking point and spoke out on social media against the growing stereotype that polyamorous people are universally inclined towards casually owning large jungle predators.

“Wait, they don’t all own Tigers?” replied one confused Instagram follower of the polycule’s shared account. @tigersexbro continued, “Why else would you be poly? I have a hard time getting one person to want to keep fucking me, let alone enough to fill a duplex.”

The group of jilted lovers traces the spread of this particular misinformation to the Netflix docu-series “Tiger King.”

“We knew we were fucked the second we saw that documentary,” said polycule member Janna Rowe while wearing a leopard bodysuit. “Just because our lifestyle is indicative of a certain oneness and communal relationship with nature and from the outside that may appear to reflect a desire to tame that which can not be tamed, doesn’t mean we all feel a spiritual connection to the graceful beasts that rule the wild. That’s presumptuous. Meow.”

While optimism may be in short supply, this polycule is hopeful they will weather this storm, together.

“The stripes of a tiger may, from a distance, appear to be the bars of a cage,” said Jan Lang. “But how may an animal be caged if they are simply wearing the uniform bestowed upon them by nature? And if we must be caged, then who better to be caged with than your pride?”

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