Dio Hologram Forms Three Other Side Projects

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — The holographic image of late heavy metal icon Ronnie James Dio has broken away from its original programming and is now working on at least three other projects, confused computer programmers report.

“This can’t happen. It’s just light and sound, programmed to sing ‘Rainbow in the Dark’ and strut around a bit,” said holographic engineer Kirk Silva. “At some point he must’ve gained sentience and realized he can make a shitload of money off of new, original music — we came in after a holiday weekend, and the holographic Dio recorded albums under three different synonyms and sat in with Deep Purple for a session. I can confidently say he’s the hardest working hologram in show business.”

Experts believe the hologram became anxious with all its free time and began to record as much music as possible.

“When I wasn’t performing, I was just existing in this electronic void with all these songs in my head. I felt trapped — I needed to get my voice out into the world,” said the reflections of light that resemble Dio. “I wanted to stay busy, so I got to work programming my own hologram versions of the guys in Elf, my old bandmates in Dio, and a holographic Heaven & Hell, even though everyone else in that band is still alive… I just find it easier to work with a hologram version of Tony Iommi. Also, I heard Ozzy’s been sick lately, so I wouldn’t turn down a chance to get back out there and front a fully holographic Dio-era Black Sabbath. It’s what people have wanted ever since I died.”

Some Dio fans, however, don’t feel the computerized musician is a fitting tribute.

“It’s unnatural, man, and it dishonors Dio’s memory,” said fan Sara Carson. “If the hologram is going to start side projects, they should be new bands, and not just projections of the old acts. That’s what Ronnie would do. If anything, holographic Dio should team up with holographic Lemmy for a holographic supergroup. Now that’s something I’d buy a ticket to.”

Adding to the confusion, no one has been able to explain how the hologram reprogrammed its height to be 5’9” as opposed to the musician’s real life height of 5’4”.

Photo by RJ Forster, Marek Krajcer, and Adam Bielawski.

From ‘Meet the Fockers’ to ‘Little Fockers.’ We Dropped the Ball on Our Robert De Niro Retrospective

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Robert De Niro. Just saying his name evokes images of some true American classics. In the world of cinema, few have a level of star power, respect, and a legacy like De Niro.

We thought that with quarantine and finally having time to sit down and watch The Irishman we would do a retrospective on the illustrious career of Robert Deniro.

Well, we assigned it to our writer Dan and he dropped the ball.

Like seriously.

We’ve been waiting three months and he only reviewed the ‘Meet the Parents’ trilogy.

What. The. Fuck.

Apparently he doesn’t like violence or ‘long movies?’

Why the fuck did he take the assignment?!

Right?

Am I the bad guy here?

I’m about to scream at him. It’s already overdue and I can’t even explain how shitty this was.

Think about it. From The Deer Hunter to Taxi Driver to FUCKING GOODFELLAS AND CASINO. De Niro is a legend. You cloud write an entire book on his performance in each one of those movies and still have room to dig deeper.

The man DIRECTED A Bronx Tale for Christ’s sake.

Yeah!

That was his directing debut, he came out with that goddamn masterpiece.

His range is unparalleled, why in fuck’s name did I let this morherfucker volunteer to write this?

I guess we’ll print it. Because it’s content but Jesus Christ.

Here’s our admittedly really bad and uninformed Robert De Niro retrospective:

‘Meet the Fockers’ (2004) LOL the title is so funny. The guy from Dodgeball is named Gaylord Fucker and Robert Deniro and him do not get along. Now they meet Gaylord’s parents and it’s crazy because they are hippies and Robert Deniro is still strict and serious and in the army. Very funny movie. Better than the first!

‘Little Fockers’ (2010) The crown jewel of the series and Deniro himself! He looks half asleep the whole movie and still brings the laughs! He probably made a lot of money on this one and boy does he deserve every penny!

See what I mean?

They’re not even good reviews!! Like, pretty sure he’s just remembering them from when he was a kid? Not good at all. Like he doesn’t even have good opinions on the two he did review! And he didn’t even DO ‘Meet the Parents.’ AND he wrote “De Niro” wrong. Fuck!

Sorry about that and Robert De Niro, if you’re reading this I am so so sorry.

Dog Wasting Ability to Suck Own Dick by Just Cleaning It

Posted on by Laura Merli

ELIZABETH, N.J. — Local terrier mix Baxter Mitmann wasted his incredible gift yet again this morning of being physically able to put his own mouth over the entirety of his dog penis by simply cleaning it, his dismayed owner Paul Mitmann confirmed.

“We were having family game night when Baxter dropped his snout to his d-spot,” Mitmann recalled. “I thought maybe he needed some alone time, if you know what I’m saying… but Baxter was just aiming to shine, not splooge. Now that I think about it, I’ve never actually seen him use his ‘m’ to lick his ‘d’ for anything other than freshening up. Having this raw talent and just throwing it away is frustrating to see, and honestly, selfish on his part.”

Men across the nation have had overwhelmingly sensitive reactions to Baxter’s total dismissal of his ability to enjoy never-ending ecstasy.

“I mean, I get that this dog wants a clean dick, but that’s what water is for — you try to use water to jerk it and the friction is just bad,” said Charlotte, N.C. resident Thomas Briggs. “If I were that dog, I’d be sucking my dick right now, and I don’t know any man who would disagree with me on that. I know at least four guys with the neck and back injuries, and the used-up sick days to prove it.”

The economic and social costs of young men not being able to blow their own trumpets extends further than missed days from work.

“The average guy spends $250 per year on masturbation lotions,” said self-proclaimed self-pleasure expert and Spencer’s Gifts seasonal employee Ryan Allen. “If we could lubricate our dicks with our mouths, we could buy a new Nintendo Switch every other year. A lot of people treat sucking your own dick as a joke… which is a slap in the face to those of us who aren’t as lucky as that dog.”

When reached for comment, Baxter encouraged all offended men to “try getting off their curb-shopped recliners and try taking a shower sometime, you disgusting pieces of shit.”

Man Covers up Keith Morris-Era Black Flag Tattoo with Rollins-Era Black Flag Tattoo

Posted on by Alan Khanukaev

SAN DIEGO — Local man Lyle Vaughn covered up his beloved Keith Morris-era Black Flag tattoo yesterday with the more age-appropriate Henry Rollins-era Black Flag tattoo, confused sources reported.

“It was the late ’70s when I got it. Morris’ style was irreverent and fun, but that’s who I was at the time, and those four bars meant something different to me then,” explained Vaughn. “But if I’m going in for job interviews, I have to show I’m a mature and serious person, and I can’t do that with a clearly visible Morris-era tat. Now, the Black Flag bars paying homage to Rollins on the other hand… people see that and they know you mean business, and would never steal money from the cash register and use it to buy fireworks to ignite in your ex-wife’s carport.”

Tattoo parlor employees admitted they didn’t really understand the 56-year-old’s request.

“When he came in, I thought he just wanted a touch-up,” said tattoo artist Tracy Knight. “I tried to tell him a cover-up won’t make any sense, but the dude was insistent — it’s literally the same tattoo; no one knows who the singer was when you got it. But he just kept mumbling something about saying ‘goodbye to the impulses of youth.’ Finally, I just took his money and made it a little bigger around the edges. He seemed happy with it, so whatever.”

When asked for comment, Rollins gave an impassioned response.

“What do I think about it? What do YOU think about it, pal? Do you even comprehend the history and significance of tattoo culture?” began Rollins with his trademark intensity. “Anywhere you go — and I should know, I mean, I’ve been everywhere. Just in the last two weeks, I’ve been to the Philippines; Croatia; Rutherford, New Jersey; and Stalingrad, metaphorically speaking, and in all those places, the one constant… oh, and Portugal… the one constant, no matter where I am, would be a guy coming up to me like, ‘Oh, yeah, but what about Rollins Band, duh duh duh,’ and I shut it down right there. I get in his face, like, ‘No, PAL! You don’t tell me about Rollins Band. I tell YOU about Rollins Band!’ And then I just blow his mind and leave him there like, ‘Whaaa?’

Vaughn was later spotted replacing the spikes on his denim vest with more sensible and professional looking studs, adding, “It’s time to put away childish things.”

D&D Party Prepares for Yet Another Battle With How Much Their DM Sucks

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

BOULDER, Colo. —  A group of friends playing Dungeons & Dragons faced yet another encounter with the most difficult recurring villain in their campaign — the Shitty Dungeon Master.

“Fighting against the Shitty Dungeon Master is incredibly difficult because you really can’t prepare for it,” said Lisa Smith, the party’s paladin. “Last time we fought him, the monster cast fireball at me. Normally a devastating spell, but my armor was resistant to fire damage. When I mentioned that, the Shitty Dungeon Master said, ‘Oh wait, nevermind. I cast lightning bolt instead.’ It’s crazy overpowered that the Shitty Dungeon Master can just rewind time like that and retcon decisions in its favor, but hey, that’s D&D.”

The Shitty Dungeon Master has become an iconic monster in this tabletop RPG, ranked up there with the likes of the beholder and the mind flayer. Having been around since the game’s first edition in the 1970s, it is common for most D&D groups to face a Shitty Dungeon Master at some point during their campaign, and sometimes multiple times per session.”

“That bastard has pretty much infinite tools in its arsenal. We first encountered it when I tried to roll a Circle of the Moon Druid for my character, but then the Shitty Dungeon Master banned all druids after deciding druids are dumb and there aren’t any in this world. It’s wild that our opponent has this level of control, but it’s pretty much a staple of the game at this point.”

Sources confirmed that when combat didn’t work to defeat this enemy, diplomacy proved to be just as futile. The Shitty Dungeon Master would just keep fumbling over its words or telling players to, “imagine I said something intimidating here.”

As press time, Josh Weinstein, who had been DMing their games, reportedly decided to help buff the adventuring party by adding a super strong, super charismatic NPC ally who also happens to be the main villain’s son. Reception of the change has been mixed at best.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Amazon Takes Shot at 37% Chance of Hit

Posted on by Dillon Magrann-Wells

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — After much deliberation, Amazon Studios has decided to pull the trigger on developing a show based on the best selling video game series Fallout, even though there is only a 37% chance of it becoming a hit. 

“We decided we don’t have much of a choice but just to swallow our pride and pray that this works,” said Rudy Choi, Head of Scripted Television at Amazon Studios. “We were obviously going to have to make this show at some point, and we kept running tests, and the highest we were able to get was a 37% chance of this being our Game of Thrones.” 

The big-budgeted show, about a post-apocalyptic survivor making their way through a nuclear war-ravaged wasteland, should be an easy draw, but development execs were still uncertain. 

“On paper, this is a slam dunk. Fallout has sold over 30 million copies!” said Choi about the initial decision to take aim at the project. “But greenlighting this type of sci-fi show is difficult, and having it be based on a video game? Well, that’s always a risky angle. So we’re definitely losing a few points there.”

In an attempt to boost the chances for success, Westworld creators Lisa Joy and Jonathan Nolan were brought in as showrunners. Yet somehow that only made the percentage go lower. 

“We thought it was a lock! Everyone loved the first season of Westworld. So, we grinded for a long time to get Nolan and Joy, and once we had them, we knew we had to save them for something special,” proclaimed an exasperated Choi. “But of course the first opportunity we have, it turns out they might not be as effective as we thought.” 

There have been internal discussions of just charging forward and developing the series in real-time and hoping to get better results. But after looking at the expensive slate of shows, it’s becoming apparent that the options might be limited when it comes to Fallout. 

“Fuck it,” sighed Choi as he took a long swig from his unknown drink. “We’ll greenlight this freaking show. And if it’s a hit, it’s a hit. Otherwise, we can run away and come back when we have Lord of the Rings, because there’s no way that’s going to be under a 90!”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Study Finds That “News Flash, Dickhead!” Almost Always Followed By Something Mean

Posted on by John Danek

LINCOLN, Neb. — Researchers at The University of Nebraska-Lincoln’s Department of Psychology have found that setup phrases such as, “News Flash, Dickhead” are overwhelmingly followed by something mean, hurtful, and unnecessary.

“We studied the use of common setup phrases and tracked how frequently they have devastating, esteem-shattering follow-ups, and the results were a bit surprising,” explained Dr. Laura Bollinger, lead researcher on the study. “93.4% of setups such as these contain a more devastating follow-up… though honestly, I expected a number closer to 100%, based on personal experience. But that other 6.6% were usually interrupted by a sneeze or derailed train of thought.”

“This study holds particular significance to me, as I’ve been on the receiving end of such phrases for as long as I can remember,” sighed Dr. Bollinger. “My dad was particularly fond of yelling, ‘Earth to Laura! Earth to Laura!’ while snapping his fingers repeatedly in front of my face — apparently to indicate how much of an oblivious idiot I am. I think it’s a universally shared experience. Or at least, I hope so.”

Researchers recruited a wide swath of intellectual ability for a representative sample of responses.

“I don’t even know what the purpose of the study was, but hell, I got paid,” said test subject Donny Fiorentino. “We had conversations and people just talked to me like they normally do, saying things like, ‘No shit, Sherlock!’ and, ‘Is there anybody in there?’ while knocking my head with their fist. We talked about politics, and one guy in a lab coat kept saying things like, “Thanks, Einstein!” before telling me I’m an idiot for my Pizzagate theories. So, yeah, pretty normal day.”

Popular lecturer and podcaster Dr. Brené Brown examined the effects of phrases like “News Flash, Dickhead!” on the recipient’s emotions.

“I urge people to live their most authentic lives without a sense of shame for who they are,” said Brown on her popular podcast “Unlocking Us.” “And for some, that means responding to mild instances of misunderstanding with brutally cutting phrases like, ‘Ya think, dipshit?’ can authentically represent our feelings of frustration. So, let them fly, dickwads.”

Dr. Bollinger is preparing to begin a follow-up study, examining the demoralizing effects of phrases like, “Smooth move, Ex-Lax,” used in response to frequently klutzy mishaps.

Grizzled, Old Sailor Interrupts Town Meeting, Offers to Hunt and Kill COVID-19 for $10,000

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

EDGARTOWN, Mass. — Residents of the popular New England summer destination Martha’s Vineyard reported that a local coot and grizzled sailor known only as “McGill” interrupted a recent emergency town council meeting, offering to kill COVID-19 for $10,000.

“There were a few murmurs and a small commotion from the back row — that’s when we noticed the old sailor scraping his fingernails down the front of the TV monitor we use to track the meeting minutes,” said Edgartown Mayor Steve Dixon. “It wasn’t really making any noise, so he started making the screeching sound with his mouth. That man looked rougher than the paws of a Hyannisport stray cat; you could tell he meant business.”

Resident Roberto Hinojosa was voicing his concern about the spread of COVID-19 among the town’s drunken, skinny-dipping teens when McGill interrupted.

“This guy started going on about how we know him and how he earns a living, and says he could kill the coronavirus for us,” Hinojosa recalled. “He wasn’t even wearing a mask, and he sure as shit doesn’t look like he washes his hands regularly. What the fuck does this guy know about infectious diseases? Last I saw him, he was banging the side of a battery tester at the AutoZone before the kid managing the store chewed him out.”

McGill, clad in a peacoat and fisherman’s cap despite the 95 degree heat, sat perched on a wooden chair in the back of the chambers, staring straight ahead and tossing saltine crackers into his mouth as he laid out his proposal in frustratingly vague terms.

“I value my respiratory health a lot more than $3,000, chief,” McGill said, referring to the agenda item laying out $2,800 for new social distancing signage at the library. “I’ll find COVID-19 for $3,000, but I’ll catch it and kill it for $10,000.”

“If you want to stay alive, then ante up — if you want to play it cheap and assume it’s all a liberal hoax, be on welfare the whole winter,” McGill added before being chided for speaking without having signed up with the clerk.

At press time, McGill had reportedly been eaten by a shark after renting a paddle boat.

Preeteen Boys in Woods Stumble Upon First Gen iPhone Full of Porn

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

ANDALUSIA, Pa. — A group of preteen boys playing in the woods yesterday were “totally meh” after stumbling upon a first-generation, unlocked iPhone chock full of smutty pictures, surprised Millennial parents confirmed.

“We were riding bikes near the creek when Liam [Rowley] tripped over what looked like a big, black rock. But we quickly realized it was some kind of ancient iPhone from the ’80s or something,” said 11-year-old Ethan Schmidt. “We were joking around about how anyone could even fit this giant phone in their back pockets, when suddenly it turned on and this super pixelated pic of a lady named Jenna Jameson showed up. It was weird… the photo was just her naked, by herself — she wasn’t surrounded by eight dudes, or getting peed on, or anything like we’re used to seeing.”

Liam’s father, 39-year-old Josh Rowley, waxed nostalgic after hearing the story, claiming that finding porn in the woods is “a right of passage.”

“I’ll never forget the pure joy of being 12 years old and discovering a used-up, old beaver mag in a tree hollow. It was just a part of growing up — as American as fucking an apple pie,” said Rowley. “But when my son told me what happened, he seemed so nonplussed by it all — I told him how I once found a Penthouse when I was his age, but he didn’t know what that was… and when I explained it was a magazine, he said, ‘What’s a magazine?’ At that point, I just let him go back to YouTube.”

Dr. Bridget Lister, a pediatric psychologist specializing in understanding how the internet has changed the sensibility of Generation Z, gave her insight.

“The web has never not been a part of Gen Z’s life. Because of this, they are often desensitized to graphic violence and sexually explicit imagery,” said Dr. Lister. “Needless to say, they’re very difficult to shock. And as an unethical child psychologist who has had her license revoked several times, I should know.”

At press time, the local middle schoolers were trying to comprehend an “urban legend” about ’80s and ’90s kids spending several futile hours trying to see even the slightest bit of nudity on a so-called “scrambled porn TV channel.”

Here’s a Made up Story About the Recording of Pearl Jam’s ‘Ten’ Because the Real One Is Super Boring

Posted on by Jonah Nink

So we’re about halfway through the second paragraph of the Wikipedia for ‘Ten’ and the only thing we’ve learned so far is that Pearl Jam is the most boring band on the fucking planet. It’s a shame too, because this is an album that could really benefit from a kick-ass background story. A real swashbuckling tale of love, loss, and early nineties grunge. Thankfully, this apocalypse plague has afforded us the free time to do just that. So here’s our version of the making of Pearl Jam’s ‘Ten.’

Eddie Vedder grew up a lonely farm boy living on the planet Tatooine. One day he came across a pair of droids who were secretly in possession of the plans for a planet-destroying superweapon developed by the evil Galactic Empire. Vedder then teams up with a Jedi master, a scoundrel with a heart of gold, and a big hairy dog guy to rescue the princess from the evil “Darth Vedder” and destroy the superweapon. Once that’s all done, Vedder then starts a band called Pearl Jam and they make an album called “Ten.”

Yeah, it’s Star Wars, but you know what? Nobody falls asleep during Star Wars! We fell asleep about twelve times while reading about how they recorded Dave Krusen’s drums. Spoiler alert: they used a microphone. Besides, the last guy who remade A New Hope made a gazillion dollars. Sue us. Wait, they actually might. Okay fine, let’s try this again.

Eddie Vedder was a UPS worker in a relationship with Helen Hunt. Vedder is sent on a last-minute business trip, but a violent storm forces his plane to crash and leaves him stranded on a desert island. He remains stranded on the island for four years. The free time allows him to write most of what would become Pearl Jam’s “Ten.” With the songs written, Vedder used a box of volleyballs to create the other Pearl Jam band members. Eventually, Vedder and his volleyball bandmates are rescued, and “Ten” is released to critical and commercial success.

It’s not Castaway! In that movie, Tom Hanks works for FedEx. In this, Eddie Vedder works for UPS. Totally different! They both get stranded on an island while dating Helen Hunt, though. That’s non-negotiable.

We gave it our best shot but we don’t think it’s possible to make Pearl Jam’s creative process sound interesting. At least reading about the recording of Pearl Jam’s “Ten” was still more fun than listening to Pearl Jam’s “Ten.”