LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Aging metal fan Donny Burton went on another tirade last night about the general state of metal, recalling a “better time” when songs were about winged beasts and demon underlords.
“When I hear what these kids are listening to nowadays, it makes me go ballistic,” said Burton, staring longingly at a poster of Dio riding a dragon made of fire. “Whatever happened to a nice 9-minute guitar solo, followed by an epilogue about traversing a mystical wood in search of a sword forged by a demon prince? I tell you, the ’80s were a simpler time, when all you needed was a thorough grasp of the entire Tolkien canon to appreciate metal.”
Burton’s distaste for metal’s evolution has taxed his personal life, affecting his relationships with friends and family members.
“My dad is so fucking lame,” remarked Burton’s son Clyde, for whom household tensions have reached a peak. “A dude should be able listen to Five Finger Death Punch in peace without some balding dipshit going on about Richie Blackmore’s Rainbow, whatever the fuck that is. He’s just stuck in the past. Nobody wants to hear songs about goblets anymore.”
The elder Burton is not alone, as a contingent of mythical creatures also miss being a part of the world of metal.
“It’d be nice to feel seen again,” lamented Xyfalthazon, Intergalactic Wizard and Harbinger of Star Explosions. “When I’m descending upon a tribe of Martian orc-slayers, I like to have a kickass jam playing as I march into battle. What’s the point of swinging a broadsword on Iced Earth if there isn’t a bard to sing the song of your triumph? It just feels like metal bands don’t care about us anymore.”
In happier news, both generations of Burtons are allegedly bonding over Norwegian black metal, on the grounds that neither of them can understand the lyrics at all.