LEXINGTON, S.C. — Forest Hills Middle School sixth grader Brynn Ruark effortlessly secured the title of “coolest kid in school” yesterday after showing up to the first day of reopened classes with a kick-ass BTS ventilator, jealous sources confirmed.
“Yeah, I know my breathing machine is awesome,” Ruark said, as she struggled to work up the strength to tuck a four-color pen behind her ear. “Just because my odds of survival are slim doesn’t mean it has to fuck up my swag. I have a reputation to maintain, and BTS is the shit. With this bad boy, I’m on the fast track to kissing Mikey Tribbel… whose chances of getting out of this semester alive are also pretty dicey.”
While much of the reception to Ruark’s ventilator was positive, some of her classmates felt overshadowed, claiming their ventilators didn’t get the attention they deserved.
“I have to admit, BTS is fucking tight,” remarked Colby Challenger, another Forest Hills student who shares a lunch block with Ruark. “I thought I’d at least get a little love for my Shawn Mendes ventilator, but nobody could shut up about Brynn’s. I’m just glad I’m not the girl in my social studies class who came in with a fucking hand-me-down ‘Hannah Montana’ ventilator. I’d rather just let my lungs collapse than be seen with one of those.”
News of Ruark’s life-saving accessory spread far beyond the halls of Forest Hills Middle after a photo taken of her by his mother went viral, prompting BTS to reach out to their young fan.
“WOW! That ventilator SLAPS,” tweeted Jungkook, one of the group’s nine vocalists. “SO cool! Me and the guys hope you die last of all your classmates, because you’re clearly AWESOME! Thx 4 being a soldier in the BTS ARMY!”
Despite Ruark’s early popularity, she was already upstaged by the end of the day when a dance routine held during the funeral of former classmate Abigail Wendell went viral on TikTok.