We Rank These 5 Guitar Pickups Despite the Fact That They Sound Goddamned Identical

Posted on by John Danek

We here at The Hard Times love guitar players! Sure, we might rag on them from time to time because they never practice, they’re always late, and they have egos the size of the full stacks they use at basement shows, but we still love ’em. We will hand it to them though, they do put a lot of effort into making sure their gear is the absolute best. So we decided to give all you guitarists out there some of that juicy, guitar clickbait we know you’ll love and went out and bought five pickups to rank. However, they all sounded identical and now we’re wishing we had tried them out at the store first.

Gibson 498T Humbucker

This is the stock bridge pickup that came in our sick Les Paul, which our parents gifted us for successfully appealing a DUI charge (this time is actually was entrapment). It sounds fine but this is just the base model. We’re sure all the other pickups are gonna blow this away. Time to bust out the soldering iron and see!

Gibson Classic ‘57 Humbucker

Hmm. Is it possible we accidentally installed the same pickup again? Nope. This is definitely the new one. We’re not noticing a dramatic difference in sound. Ooh, we hear something! We think maybe, no, definitely, there’s a little more high-end clarity, possibly. Wait, no. We bumped the treble knob on our amp. Well, this was two Gibson’s back to back. We’re sure a different brand will be vastly different.

1972 Fender Telecaster Deluxe Wide-Range Humbuckers

What the fuck? It’s the same! It must be this piece of shit guitar. Parents are the worst.

Middle-Earth Mithril Overwound Humbucker

Okay, now this is ridiculous. This boutique manufacturer claims to have replicated Tolkien’s fictional metal and they make pickups from it, but it still sounds like a NORMAL FUCKING GUITAR. This one took us two hours to install too because it’s shaped like an fucking axe and we had to route the new guitar we bought midway through writing this article. And for what? For us to play the “Smoke on the Water” riff and still sound like an amateur? Hard pass.

Gibson 1959 PAF Humbucker

FUCK YOU, GIBSON. ALL THIS SHIT SOUNDS THE SAME. Fuck all you dipshit guitarists. Want to sound better? Just fucking practice.

Does anyone want to buy five broken, expensive pickups?

McDonalds Removes McRib So Ronald McDonald Can Suck His Own Dick

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHICAGO — Fast food behemoth McDonald’s announced today that they will remove the McRib from their menu worldwide to enable mascot Ronald McDonald to effectively “go to town on his horrendous knob.”

“After years of weighing the pros and cons of doing so, I am grateful our leadership is removing one of our most popular menu items and enabling me to live as my true self,” the mascot clown said during a press conference. “With the McRib gone, there is nothing keeping me from scrummying down on my delicious, Grimace-shaped McPenis.”

“I haven’t been able to shake the idea ever since I saw the Hamburglar robble-robble his own beef patty back in the ’90s, so I’m incredibly excited to start my journey to a swift and easy nosh on my own rod,” McDonald added. “This is the real me: a clown whose big shoes are filled with feet, and whose mouth will soon be full of my own surprisingly slender penis.”

McDonald’s spokesman Joseph Ebert fielded questions.

“Ronald has been in talks with our head of development about this for years now,” Ebert remarked. “Although this might be off-putting or even upsetting to some, I urge you to go into this new period with an open heart and an empty stomach. Ronald has done so much for this big, blue marble we call home, and it’s about time we let him do something for himself.”

McRib fans were understandably vocal about the decision.

“Yeah, I was pretty confused, if we’re being completely honest,” said concerned McRib enthusiast Dom Anderson. “Like, I don’t absolutely love the idea of a clown stuffing his face full of his downstairs pork… but if that’s what he needs to be happy, then go for it. In the grand scheme of things, what’s a little self knob-slobbing gonna do to hurt the rest of us? Although I’ll miss the McRib, I’m happy for the guy.”

McDonald will live stream the results of the McRib removal via the digital menu at all McDonald’s locations this coming Wednesday.

Impossible Fall Guys Achievement Awards Players for Entering 5 Consecutive Matches

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

LONDON — Following a recent patch to the popular new battle royale game, gamers have discovered the addition of an impossible-to-get achievement in the game Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout that requires the player to successfully connect to 5 consecutive matches.

“We thought the ‘Infallible’ achievement would be a lot harder for people to get, but they blew right past that,” said Joe Walsh, the game’s lead developer, referring to a previous achievement that required players to get first place in 5 matches in a row. “So we thought we’d up the ante with the new ‘Unthinkable’ achievement. Overcoming a pile of flailing bodies on Fall Mountain is one thing, but navigating the pitfalls of our intensely crowded server traffic is a whole ‘nother story. All I can say to our players is ‘buckle up.’”

Achievement hunters are intimidated by the challenge posed by the new achievement, but players are already sharing strategies on the Fall Guys subreddit.

“It seems like the optimal time to attempt ‘Unthinkable’ would be in the middle of the night, maybe somewhere between 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. EST which is when a lot of servers usually go down for maintenance,” said user BouncyCastle32 in a trending post on r/FallGuysGame. “There might be some trial and error until we figure out the patterns there. Some guys in the Discord have already figured out that Friday nights are the worst time to attempt this because you can’t even connect to the game once, so we’re making progress at least.”

Despite the new update, thousands of players responded to a picture of a pigeon tweeted by the Fall Guys Twitter account demanding their $0 back.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Fall Guys Griefer Just Misses Human Contact

Posted on by Peter Kemme

CINCINNATI, Ohio — Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout player Tim Williams insists that the only reason he grabs others at the finish line is due to his severe lack of person-to-person contact that has come with social distancing measures of the COVID-19 pandemic. 

“I’ve been isolated in my apartment alone for months, news getting worse everyday,” Robinson said. “If the closest I can get to a hug is grabbing a jellybean man wearing a pigeon outfit, then at this point I’m gonna hold them for as long as I can.”

When servers of the massively popular game went down, Robinson was reportedly ashamed to admit that he joined the review bomb effort to plummet the indie releases rating. His 0-star review of “I was a man starving for touch and you offered me a can of contact, only to snatch it away?! THIS IS THE ONLY THING THAT HAS SATED MY SKIN HUNGER! Also, fruit chute is bullshit!” has since been removed.

“Yeah, I was really raw when I wrote that. The last round I played before getting disconnected, someone had the online ID of ‘Tims_Big_Daddy,’” Robinson explained. “My dad just got the news he’s cancer-free and all I want to do is grab him and tell him how happy I am that he’s still here with us. But I can’t because he’s high-risk, so instead I grabbed my dog-headed bean dad and refused to let go until the servers ripped him from me.”

Robinson said that he realizes his finish line hugs can be annoying to other players who are just trying to win their first crown and has started experimenting with other games as an outlet for connection. He recently got The Last of Us Part 2 where he lets infected swarm him while softly saying “Bring it in.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

I’ll Listen to Your Demos If You Peep My Unfinished Accounts Receivable Claims

Posted on by John Danek

Wow, that’s so incredibly gracious of you to reach out and share the carefully crafted demos you recorded in your friend’s basement while blackout drunk! I can’t wait to press play on this bad boy as I’m sure, of all the unsolicited band links I receive, your unfinished, unpolished demos are going to very much reward me for clicking.

But, hey, while we’re sharing sloppy works-in-progress, could you do me a solid and peep these accounts receivable claims? Thanks bunches.

Work is breathing down my neck and, while I typically wait until these spreadsheets are fully approved by supervisors before submitting to the clients themselves, I thought you would definitely have a great time giving everything a once-over.

What’s that? You don’t want to? Come on, it’ll be fun! It’s actually pretty similar to you expecting me to enjoy your band’s amateurish, muffled recordings, isn’t it? Sure, you could spend your afternoon reading the literary classics of Chinua Achebe, Harper Lee, or Sandra Cisneros, but I truly believe that these incomplete debts owed to my employer are just as good. Come on, these spreadsheets really mean a lot to me! I’m sure they have just as much artistic merit as this first track you sent me, “Shitfight (Redux).”

Seems like a fair trade, right? I spend time ignoring my own thoughts to hear your poorly EQ’ed guitar amp and out-of-tune vocals and you can scan my inaccurate, typo-filled Excel mastery. My unfinished spreadsheets are art. They’re like jazz; it’s the numbers I’m not crunching.

Actually, while you’re at it, why don’t you also make a “music video” that solely consists of shots of you in your rehearsal space and apartment? Preferably in black-and-white, so I can really feel the vibe. In return, I can send you a time-lapse video of me in my cubicle. We are both artists in the exact same way.

Apartment Fully Furnished with Rich Friend’s Old Stuff

Posted on by Doug Francisco

BALTIMORE — Local barista Eli McDermott’s home is now completely furnished with the cast-off old furniture of his rich friend following his acquisition of his friend’s lightly-used ottoman, comfy sources report.

“I’m a big fan of that Japanese lady from Netflix who tells everybody to throw shit away,” said McDermott, lounging on a Corinthian leather sofa. “I don’t follow it; I don’t have the kind of cash flow to replace a coffee maker that isn’t ‘bringing me joy.’ But my buddy Clarissa got way into it last year, and I was able to decorate my whole living room and basically got a new wardrobe.”

McDermott’s rich friend Clarissa Harkins explained that giving her less fortunate friends her old crap is part of her activism.

“I believe in direct action to help the working poor,” Harkins said. “We don’t need means-tested neoliberal ideology getting in the way of harm reduction — what we need to do is give our friends our West Elm coffee table that doesn’t create enough negative space in our living rooms. Eli doesn’t even care that some of the furniture is nearly three years old. I feel bad for people like him, who don’t have a fulfilling career and ultra-wealthy parents.”

Punk interior designer Scott Fox claimed the days of celebrating cinder block-and-plywood shelves are gone, and that “old rich people shit” is increasingly the trend for people in their 30s with two or more roommates.

“It used to be that if you wanted to get furniture second-hand, you’d have to buy it at a flea market, yard sale, or just pick something up off the side of the road if there was a sign that said ‘no bed bugs,’” Fox said. “But with the new model of ‘direct thrifting,’ punks and burnouts are getting their furniture directly from their wealthy friends who don’t want to go through the hassle of selling furniture to strangers on Craigslist.”

In related news, Crate & Barrel is reportedly researching “fail rich” technology, which will allow them to detonate small, remote charges in furniture they detect is moved to low-income neighborhoods to prevent sullying their brand name.

Is She Actually Into Herbal Medicine or Did She Just Lose Her Health Insurance?

Posted on by Dom Turek

A Facebook friend’s apparent descent into the world of alternative medicine led me on an hours-long quest for the truth: Was Andrea Cooper’s newfangled interest in herbal medicine a genuine lifestyle change or merely a last-ditch effort to survive without health insurance? As someone who reaches out to her once a year to write “Happy birthday!” on her timeline, it was clearly my duty to uncover the facts.

A quick scroll through Cooper’s ‘About Info’ revealed that two days after leaving her tech startup job at TravelOptics, she followed a page on Facebook called Siddhartha’s Secrets. Interesting. The very next day on March 18, 2020 she reached out to the Facebook community asking if anyone could help her unlock her throat chakra to alleviate pressure from her “shitty fucking sinuses.” The plot thickens.

The case against Cooper as a pseudo herbalist continued to mount after I stumbled upon an awkward exchange between Andrea Cooper and her mother, Nancy Cooper on May 3rd, 2020.

At 3:30 p.m. Andrea Cooper’s status read, “What’s the best salt lamp for allergy relief?” At first glance the post appeared to have gained significant traction, however further investigation revealed all six comments were unintentional duplicates from her mother who repeatedly posted, “What is wrong with the lamp I bought you from Pottery Barn? Just take a Claritin D. Love mom. xxoxox.”

Many of her friends appeared just as confused as her family members, including one former coworker who I discovered was a mutual friend of ours. After wishing her a happy birthday, I reached out via messenger.

“That’s not the Andrea I know,” said ex-coworker, Brianna Miller. “She used to pop amoxicillin like Altoids at the first sign of a runny nose. Now she’s clogging up my newsfeed with links to ceramic Himalayan Neti pots and invites to DIY acupuncture classes. She’s been in a downward spiral ever since we got laid off.”

Without concrete evidence, I can only speculate that Cooper has adapted herbalism as a cost-effective solution to her current unemployment status, although her recently uploaded profile picture of an Alex Grey painting does seem pretty damning.

Bassist Figures He Only Has to Kill Two or Three People to Become Frontman

Posted on by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local bassist Aaron Scherzinger realized today that he only needs to murder two or three of his bandmates to be promoted to frontman, devious and plotting sources confirmed.

“It’s all so simple,” said Scherzinger, with a devilish gleam in his eye. “If I can find a way to assassinate our lead guitarist Bryan, then either me or our rhythm guitarist Kristie will move up to lead guitar. And once authorities find her body in the river after a ‘mysterious boating accident,’ I’ll be the obvious choice to take lead. Then, if our frontman died tragically — perhaps by drinking a poisoned PBR — I’d finally assume my rightful place as frontman. It’s almost too easy.”

“I’ll finally be able to make the setlist,” Scherzinger added while twiddling his fingers, “and nobody will shut my mic off in the middle of a show while I try to tell my jokes.”

Frontman Eddie Clancy, while oblivious to Scherzinger’s plan, claimed he’s aware of the dangers posed by his status as the band’s lead singer.

“I don’t trust these guys for a second. They know that the only way they’ll ever get their hands on a mic is by murdering me, so I have to take precautions: I don’t eat any of the food they give me, I don’t fall asleep around them, and I always bring a witness when we go in the alley to smoke. I’ve been in the punk scene a long time, so I know what happens to frontmen who aren’t careful,” said Clancy with a wink. “The band’s previous singer was crushed by a falling stage light, and it sure didn’t seem like it was a total accident.”

Detective Frank Castiglione confirmed that band-related homicides are a growing concern.

“This type of thing has been going on for a while, but we were content to write them off as accidental deaths. No one really cared — it was just punks killing punks — but now the bodies are starting to pile up, and City Hall is breathing down our necks, so we’re gonna have to investigate,” said Castiglione. “We might bring in a perp or two, but the truth is, as long as there’s an indie scene, these guys are gonna keep killing each other.”

At press time, Scherzinger was found dead of an apparent suicide caused by four bullet wounds to the back. Drummer Nina Ross has moved up to fill his position on bass.

Game’s Lore Goes to Painstaking Lengths to Explain Why Bad Guys Have Glowing Red Eyes

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

CLEVELAND — Noting that he would’ve accepted the detail at face value without an explanation, local gamer Thomas Windermere told sources Friday that the lore of the new sci-fi action game Parallax was going to painstaking lengths to explain to him why the game’s enemy characters all have glowing red eyes.

“I’ve been picking up all of these audio logs and journals scattered throughout the game hoping to understand the plot better, but most of them are recordings of scientists explaining the red eyes thing,” said Windermere, who has been comfortable with the idea of game villains with menacing red eyes since he was 12 years old. 

“It’s interesting that they found a scientific reason to give the enemies red eyes, and even came up with a timeline for how and why it started happening during the scientists’ experiments,” he added, “but honestly I was just hoping the logs and journals would explain more about who the main villain is and why he turned evil. I guess they’ll cover that in a cutscene later or something.”

Windermere told sources further that, in addition to explaining the red eyes, the games’ lore also had detailed, thoughtful explanations for why the enemy characters had psychic powers, force fields, and body armor, all of which were also things that Windermere was not previously curious about at all.

“It’s really cool that they took the time to write all of this, and honestly if I’d never played a video game before I might find it interesting,” added Windermere. “I guess I just wish they took more time to explain the game’s convoluted plot rather than to justify all of these basic details.”

At press time, Windermere had logged onto the game’s subreddit to ask a question about the game’s ending only to discover hundreds of threads debating why the enemies can fly.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Game Pass Subscriber Trying His Absolute Best Not to Sound Like Microsoft Shill

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

BLOOMSBURG, Pa. — Satisfied Game Pass subscriber Sergio DePalma is reportedly struggling not to sound like a total shill while discussing Microsoft’s service with friends.

“I swear, I’m not trying to sound like I’m marketing for Microsoft,” DePalma attempted to assure friends. “Just as someone who plays a lot of games, it makes a lot of sense for me. I’m not saying everyone should sign up for it, I’m just saying it’s the best deal in video games, probably ever. Okay, I get how that sounds.”

DePalma’s friends became frustrated when he kept asking if they wanted to play games such as Sea Of Thieves with him, only to reveal that they’d need to sign up for Game Pass to do so.

“I can’t take much more of it,” said Maria Silva, DePalma’s partner. “Every time we eat dinner, he inevitably points out that by playing just one full retail game he’s already gotten a year’s worth of value. Then he’ll just list off all the games he’s played this year. If I have to hear about Gears Tactics one more time, I’m going to snap.”

DePalma’s friends and family tried to get together to stage an intervention for him. However, DePalma managed to turn the tables by creating a reverse intervention about how much they’re all throwing away their money by buying games like Carrion individually.

When reached for comment, Microsoft executives were grateful for DePalma’s support, but found their own problems with his approach to their services.

“I actually agree that we have a problem here,” explained Gaming at Microsoft vice president Phil Spencer. “The problem is that Sergio could be saving even more money by upgrading to Game Pass Ultimate. It’s a shame that he’s paying $5 every month for a PC-only subscription when he could experience everything our service has to offer, starting at just $1 for the first month. It’s sad, really.”

When asked if he plans on buying an Xbox Series X this Fall, a puzzled DePalma asked reporters why he’d want to do that when he could just buy a PlayStation 5.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: