Bic Lighter Still Hoping to Find Forever Home

Posted on by James Knapp

CAMDEN, N.J. — A green Bic lighter still hasn’t given up hope that it will one day no longer be absentmindedly pocketed by stoners and cigarette smokers and settle into a permanent home.

“It can be pretty rough not knowing whose beer-soaked jeans you’re going to wind up in each day. Over half of my fluid is used up, and I’m still just drifting from one place to another,” said the lighter, lying motionless next to a cashed bong on its current owner’s coffee table. “I’ve had a pretty wild journey, and I’ll admit it’s been exciting… but now all I really want is to be adopted by a middle-aged professional who will only use me to light scented candles around their bathtub. Someday I’ll get there… someday.”

Current owner Tim “Skuzzy” McFadden attempted to explain how he came to be in possession of the lighter.

“I found that thing in my pocket about four days ago after I got back from a kegger at my friend Caleb’s house,” said McFadden, completely obscured by a cloud of cannabis smoke. “It works fine, but I usually prefer the blue Bics — everyone knows they’re good luck. Whatever. I’m gonna go camping this weekend and eat some edibles, so I’ll probably end up with a different one by Monday anyway. I wonder who buys these things?”

Amy Brown, founder of the awareness group Lighters Are People Too, advocated on the lighter’s behalf.

“It’s tragic, the amount of abuse these poor ignition devices suffer. Many have permanent scars from when some thoughtless individual carelessly dropped them on the sidewalk or used them to pry off a bottle cap,” Brown explained. “Bic lighters need to be treated with compassion, and I will do everything in my power to find this one a forever home where it can rest undisturbed in a kitchen drawer until the next time its owner’s electricity goes out.”

The lighter was last seen standing up on a moonlit windowsill, softly singing, “Somewhere Out There” into the night.

Limp Bizkit Releases Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog-Flavored Vodka

Posted on by Tyler Dark

LOS ANGELES — Nü-metal darlings Limp Bizkit have worked with a local distillery to release their own exclusive, officially-licenced Chocolate Starfish and Hot Dog-flavored vodka, according to a press release.

“With this year being the 20th anniversary of the album, we wanted to do something special,” Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst said. “A lot of work went into deciding the flavor profile: we spent weeks deciding between Belgian and Swiss chocolate, choriaster and spinulosida starfish, Ball Park Franks and Hebrew Nationals. But we finally ended up with the nastiest liquor you’ll find anywhere — perfect for when you wanna get your groove on.”

Bartenders and mixologists across the country are preparing for this much-anticipated release by incorporating the vodka into signature cocktails in their establishments.

“It’s been a lot of fun coming up with these new drink ideas,” said Lionel Cartwright, a bartender from San Diego. “We’ve got the Nookie-tini, which is the chilled hot dog water vodka and olive juice in a shot glass with whipped cream. There’s also the Full Nelson, which is three shots of the mixed-blend vodka over ice with a chocolate rim. Two of those, and you’ll be knocked straight the fuck out.”

Having waited nine years since the release of Limp Bizkit’s last album, fans of the band are eager to sample their new product.

“Homie, I’m fuckin’ jacked up for this booze,” said longtime fan Les Schuster as he wiped sweat from his neck beard. “I’m drinking a whole fifth of the chocolate starfish right out the bottle, dog. I straight up don’t give a shit. Fuck it — I’m gonna get my buddies to stick a bottle up my yeah, so I can boof it like a champ.”

In addition to being the drink of choice at any party primarily attended by men over 40 who wear baseball caps backwards, Limp Bizkit’s new vodka can also be used as an antiseptic, in case somebody skins their ass raw.

Report: Guy at Party Not Doing Knife Trick Fast Enough for It to Be Cool

Posted on by Ted Pillow

EAST NORTHPORT, N.Y. — Local teen Roderick Evans attempted last night to do the trick where you stab a knife between your outstretched fingers, disappointing partygoers by moving so slow it eliminated all elements of danger, totally bored sources confirmed.

“It’s pretty embarrassing,” noted disinterested onlooker and fellow partier Amber Murphy. “Nobody wanted him to do it in the first place, but as soon as he walked into the party, he whipped out this kid-sized pocket knife and shouted, ‘Wanna dance, motherfucker?’ Then he pushed a bunch of beer pong cups out of the way, put his hand palm-down on the table, and started very gingerly sticking the knife between his fingers. He thinks he’s so badass, but it’s like watching someone play Russian Roulette with a Super Soaker.”

Evans, a 19-year-old who works part-time at a local beer distributor, is known amongst peers for half-hearted, attention-seeking behavior.

“I’m probably freaking some people out, but I can’t help it,” Evans said while still performing the knife trick, punctuating each complete sentence with a carefully measured stab. “I live life on the wild side. See this scar? I got into a pretty grisly accident after drinking a bottle of whiskey. Fucking blood everywhere and shit — the doctors told me I was this close to dying. I guess I learned the hard way that you shouldn’t drink Jack Daniels on a trampoline.”

The reckless abandon of the knife game, depicted in countless movies, TV shows, and video games, draws condemnation from experts worldwide.

“That knife game is one of the leading causes of ER visits on Friday and Saturday nights,” explained Dr. Carl Wallace of nearby Huntington Hospital. “It is a very dangerous, foolish game. The only saving grace is that most people who injure themselves playing the game do it while going at a very slow, almost pathetic pace. Typically, the patient is a 19-year-old male with a buzz cut and some tribal tattoos, and they usually just have a little nick on their index finger or something. We have these Ed Hardy band-aids we put on their boo boo, and then we call their mom to pick them up.”

Evans eventually got everyone’s attention by running around the party while holding his pinky in the air and shouting, “Ouchies! Ouchies!”

Personal Attack? This Musician Is Better Than Me

Posted on by Jonah Nink

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t think it’s too far off for me to say that I’m a better guitarist than about 99.99% of people. I say “about” because, again, I don’t like to brag. While being a virtuoso has its perks, it also makes you a target for unhinged maniacs who thrive off of your misery. I found this out the hard way today when the other guitar guy at my local Guitar Center started playing better than me.

Fuck you Simon Johnston, regular of the Guitar Center on Halsted in Chicago, Illinois. Way to make it personal, dude.

It began innocently enough. I was in the middle of testing out an especially sexy PRS SE 245 (that’s a type of guitar for all you non-guitarists), when all of a sudden this random guy starts eyeballing a crappy Fender strat on the wall next to me. I knew something was off when he didn’t immediately compliment me on the barrage of sick-ass riffage I was laying down.

My initial thought was that he had never heard a musician of my caliber play before and simply didn’t know the proper etiquette. Then, without any warning, this guy picks up the strat, plugs himself into a nearby amp and starts shredding like I’ve never heard anyone shred before. He had this crazy look in his eyes, which weren’t even pointed at the fretboard. HOW ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE IF YOU DON’T LOOK AT THE FRETBOARD?! At that point, it became obvious that this guy had trained his entire life just to satisfy a personal vendetta against me, specifically.

Things only got worse when one of the employees complimented him on his playing. Instead of giving me a compliment too, the same employee just asked if I was “finding everything alright.” How am I supposed to “find everything alright” when a store I once thought was a safe place for me to jam and not buy anything is colluding with someone hellbent on destroying me?!

I share my story so others can learn that being a better musician than me is never ok. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but playing riffs that I can’t play is a dick move, bro. Ultimately though it’ll be me who gets the last laugh once I figure out the “Smoke on the Water” riff.

Poser at Drive-In Show Has Same Sticker on Car as Band They’re Seeing

Posted on by James Knapp

AURORA, Ill. — Local man Wendell Banks drove a 2013 Prius hybrid to popular power-pop trio Fold-Out Fedora’s drive-in show last night, proudly displaying a decal of the band’s name and logo on the bumper like a total poser, outraged sources confirmed.

“Man, I’m probably the biggest F.O.F. fan on the planet! That’s why I got the sticker in the first place,” said Banks while listening to their CD in his car. “Some people wonder why I would deface such a beautiful machine with stickers, but I see it as a way of letting everyone here, and everyone who sees me on my commute, know that I’m a rocker. And this sticker is fucking vintage — I bought it way back in 2018, and it’s held up through rain storms, heat waves, and a couple blizzards.”

Many disapproved of Banks’ show etiquette faux-pas, yelling at him through the cracked windows of their individual cars.

“Everyone knows you don’t wear the merch from the band you’re seeing at the show. I don’t care if it’s a shirt or a sticker or whatever — this is day one punk stuff,” said Al “the Scowl” Wilson. “Social distancing may have changed the way we have to do things now, but some things are just written in stone. I’m not sure how I can kick this guy’s ass by staying six feet away, so I might just have to back my car into his a couple dozen times and wait for the bouncers to escort me out.”

Drive-in venue owner Alphons Wernerberg shared his thoughts on the blatant display of poserdom.

“Sure, early on in the drive-in business we had sterner restrictions on merch. But this is the first time in over 23 years this place has actually made money,” said Wernerberg, trying to hide a large burlap sack with a dollar sign on it behind his back. “Is wearing a band’s merch to their show a bit tasteless? Undeniably. But as long as that guy paid full price, bought some popcorn, candy, and maybe a large soda, I really don’t give a shit what he’s got on his dumb car. With the money I’m making off these goons, I can afford a new brand new Tesla.”

Banks allegedly also purchased a Fold-Out Fedora T-shirt at a drive-thru merch booth, which he just put on right away like some kind of psychopath.

Olimar Insists Red Pikmin are “Virtually Immune” to Drowning

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

PNF-404 — Captain Olimar insisted to a group of red Pikmin today that they need not worry while trying to cross a river because they are all “virtually immune” to drowning.

“It’s the craziest thing! Scientists — all the scientists are saying this — they don’t even understand how — but it’s impossible for red Pikmin to drown in water. Impossible! So there’s just nothing to be afraid of at all, and everything is totally very good, because I’m a brilliant Captain, very good — much better than that crooked Captain Alph,” Olimar said to the Pikmin, standing in front of a rushing river. “So we’re going to open up the river for crossing. Many of you will die — but not, a lot, it’s very rare — if you do die, you very likely had diabetes or something very bad already — but it is what it is.”

Despite Olimar’s comments, many red Pikmin have been cautious to enter the river.

“I just watched like forty red Pikmin go into the water and drown. Why would it be impossible for us to drown? It makes no sense at all,” said one red Pikmin. “I get that we’re trying to rebuild Olimar’s ship, and that’s important, but can’t we just wait until we have the necessary materials to build a bridge? I don’t know… sometimes I wish we had a different Captain, but I didn’t get a say in the matter. I was just plucked into this life.”

Not all Pikmin in Olimar’s crew, however, have disagreed with his statements. Scores of blue Pikmin have come out in support of opening up the river for all to try to swim.

“If you’re too afraid to jump in some water, you’re a big fuckin’ baby,” said a blue Pikmin. “I have never once been afraid of jumping into water and I wouldn’t dare lose my freedom of Being Across The River just because some dumbasses think red or yellow Pikmin drown. Grow up! We need to stop whining about this baby shit and start facing the real issues in our society, like how we all need to be afraid of fire.”

At press time, after thousands of red Pikmin deaths, Olimar was able to cross the river and finally obtain the compelling cookie he saw.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Identical Tournament Fighters Grateful They Wore Different Pants

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

OUTWORLD — Two participants, who by all accounts appeared to be exact replicants of one another, were reportedly grateful to have brought different colored pants to the Mortal Kombat tournament, several sources have confirmed.

“You know, I had a feeling this might happen,” said Liu Kang, a lifetime resident of Kansas City.  “I’ve been confused for the other Liu Kang once or twice when I’m fixing someone’s air conditioning, and I guess in a weird way that was maybe what made me think I could compete in this tournament. And if I got in, I figured he sure the heck did!” 

Although the fighters weren’t both meant to be included and the second Liu Kang had just been invited to participate as an understudy if need be, as is common practice, a last second drop out meant that the spare Liu Kang was actually in a position to help the tournament deal with the emergency. 

“Yeah, that guy really helped us out this year,” said Monty Henderson, an intern who’d been put in charge of scheduling the evening’s rounds. “Baraka can’t get a flight out of whatever fuckin’ swamp he lives in, and he decides to tell me that today! Unbelievable. If that weird extra Liu Kang hadn’t been here, Shao Kahn would’ve had my ass. For real. He puts Intern Asses on his office wall. It’s an intimidation thing. It sucks here.” 

Though not commonly discussed, some veterans of the tournament verified the importance of thoughtful wardrobe choices. 

“Yeah, first year we showed up, me and Scorpion had the same colors on,” said Sub-Zero, one of the iconic faces of the Mortal Kombat tournaments throughout the years. “That’s why we always wear the blue and yellow ever since, because it was such a disaster. The referee said I won, even though I hadn’t and he had just gotten switched around in his head. Scorpion cut his ass off and hung it on his wall after that. If you think I am joking, I assure you that I am not.” 

Unfortunately, the two Liu Kangs will not face off in the second round of this year’s event, as many had hoped. Blue-panted Liu Kang was matched up against police officer Stryker in the first round, who just shot him in the face with his gun.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Body Positivity Movement Afraid It Might Be Inclusive of White People With Dreadlocks

Posted on by Meg Indurti

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Body positivity advocate and campaign spokesperson Brianna Martin openly worried today that the movement may have to include white people with dreadlocks in order to fully live its ideals.

“Our slogan is ‘Every Body Is Beautiful,’ but we didn’t mean for that to resonate so strongly with white potheads or Post Malone,” said Martin, showing several photos of Caucasian men in Bob Marley shirts who paid to join a body positivity conference she’s organizing. “We just meant that healthy people come in different shapes and sizes. We don’t condone white dudes in dreads… even if they’re playing a pirate.”

“It’s tricky, because we wanna inspire people to be bold and be themselves, but that’s exactly the kind of message that might inspire more white people to get dreads,” she added. “Or worse, embark on a SoundCloud rap career.”

Martin’s assistant Allison Beatriz agreed, pointing to an uptick of registrants from liberal-identifying white people, most of whom seemed to be traveling from Portland.

“We think they found us through our Instagram ads,” said Beatriz, showing their ad of people hugging with the phrase, “Your body is not wrong, society is.” “Inclusivity is important to us, but right now there’s a lot of hippies and white girls who dated one Black guy in college planning to attend. They always show up with incense and set off the fire alarms, and they still have the gall to ask if they can touch my hair. Why? You already have dreads. Touch your hair!”

Martin is actively trying to rebrand the movement to discourage Caucasians who went to Jamaica once and made Rastafarianism their personality from joining. However, the latest focus group results showed that the campaign is still too inclusive.

“People point at me on the street and make fun of me because of my dreads,” said alabaster-white focus group attendee Brain Wojcik. “It sucks! I’m glad I found this body positivity support group. Discrimination is still alive and well in this country.”

Compounding the problem, the conference is also plagued by an influx of anti-mask protestors who resonated with the slogan, “My Body, My Rules.”

“Beavis and Butt-Head” Revival Gives 41-Year-Old-Man Something to Talk About With His Mom

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

SPOKANE, Wash. — The upcoming “Beavis and Butt-Head” revival on Comedy Central has finally given 41-year-old Paul Moreno a topic of conversation to share with his mother during their monthly phone calls, ambivalent relatives confirmed.

“This is perfect. I’ve been trying to call my mom more, but we never really have anything to talk about other than the fact we both own cats. But now I can bring up ‘Beavis and Butt-Head’ since she forbade me from watching it when I was a teenager. Of course, I watched anyway,” said Moreno. “I figure, if there’s a lull in the conversation, I can get her riled up by mentioning the time she wrote a letter to the cable company about how MTV was the work of the devil, and how she blamed the show for the town’s library burning down.”

66-year-old Olga Moreno only vaguely recalled her objections to the show.

“Oh, that was the one where those boys were very rude, right? I never watched it, of course, but I heard there was lots of satanic stuff and black leather, and so much nudity,” explained Mrs. Moreno. “Maybe I was a bit harsh, but parenthood is all about depriving your children of enjoyment — whether it be that Beefis and Buttmunch show, or ‘South Park,’ or ‘WWF’ wrestling. And who can forget that nasty Weather Channel! Some of those low-cut tops on those meteorologists were unseemly.”

Family psychologist Dr. Allison Washington claimed Generation X mother-son relationships often devolve into conversations about what the now-adult children are now free to do.

“We found that 65% of long distance conversations, whether it’s by phone or FaceTime, mainly consist of ‘remember when’ discussions,” Washington said. “From the men, it’s about how they weren’t allowed to go to a Toadies concert in 1994, and from their moms, it’s how their son’s hair turned a funny color with Sun-In; former disapproval of eyebrow rings; or how much the flannel they wore smelled like B.O.”

At press time, Moreno was excitedly reading up on the fatalities in the latest “Mortal Kombat” game with the intention of describing them in detail to his mother.

COVID-19 Least Dangerous Thing in Reopened Dive Bar

Posted on by Mark Hassenfratz

QUEENS, N.Y. — Patrons of neighborhood dive The Rowdy Owl discovered yesterday that potentially contracting COVID-19 was the least dangerous part of the recently reopened establishment, disgusted sources confirmed.

“I was so happy when I heard The Owl was back! Drinking Bud Light at home isn’t as fun as it is here, and I missed all my buddies — Big Andres, Matty the Brit, Pinky… and don’t even get me started on Dirty Doug,” said Rowdy Owl regular Buck “Loudmouth” Sheldon. “Maybe it’s just because I haven’t been here in awhile, but it actually looks a lot dirtier than it did before lockdown: I saw some greenish-brown liquid dripping out of the walls, and my feet stuck to the bathroom floor. And the rusty nails sticking out of the bar definitely gave me pause… as well as some really nasty gashes in my knee that I think are infected now.”

Rowdy Owl staff calmy assured guests that they heard their concerns and were doing everything in their power to create a clean, safe environment.

“What are you, a fucking pussy? The moldy carpeting is no big deal, and we cleaned up most of the dirty needles. My buddy Zeke is gonna come by next week and replace some of the ceiling tiles so none of the birds swoop down on customers to defend their nests,” said bartender Al Bolling. “As long as you don’t stand directly underneath any of the hanging lights, you got nothing to worry about.”

Experts suggested that dive bars aren’t the only places where COVID-19 is making a negligible difference in potential hazards for consumers.

“As businesses reopen, it’s important to assess risk: not just of contracting or spreading COVID-19, but of other kinds of bodily harm and dismemberment. Surprisingly, we’re seeing that catching COVID-19 is the least of consumer worries in many businesses,” said economic analyst Denise Raynaldi. “Gator farm tours, public dirt bike tracks, discount fireworks stores — these businesses are only slightly more dangerous with the presence of COVID-19.“

At press time, Rowdy Owl staff discovered the largest rat living in the bar’s kitchen has recently learned how to swing a knife.