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COVID-19 Least Dangerous Thing in Reopened Dive Bar

QUEENS, N.Y. — Patrons of neighborhood dive The Rowdy Owl discovered yesterday that potentially contracting COVID-19 was the least dangerous part of the recently reopened establishment, disgusted sources confirmed.

“I was so happy when I heard The Owl was back! Drinking Bud Light at home isn’t as fun as it is here, and I missed all my buddies — Big Andres, Matty the Brit, Pinky… and don’t even get me started on Dirty Doug,” said Rowdy Owl regular Buck “Loudmouth” Sheldon. “Maybe it’s just because I haven’t been here in awhile, but it actually looks a lot dirtier than it did before lockdown: I saw some greenish-brown liquid dripping out of the walls, and my feet stuck to the bathroom floor. And the rusty nails sticking out of the bar definitely gave me pause… as well as some really nasty gashes in my knee that I think are infected now.”

Rowdy Owl staff calmy assured guests that they heard their concerns and were doing everything in their power to create a clean, safe environment.

“What are you, a fucking pussy? The moldy carpeting is no big deal, and we cleaned up most of the dirty needles. My buddy Zeke is gonna come by next week and replace some of the ceiling tiles so none of the birds swoop down on customers to defend their nests,” said bartender Al Bolling. “As long as you don’t stand directly underneath any of the hanging lights, you got nothing to worry about.”

Experts suggested that dive bars aren’t the only places where COVID-19 is making a negligible difference in potential hazards for consumers.

“As businesses reopen, it’s important to assess risk: not just of contracting or spreading COVID-19, but of other kinds of bodily harm and dismemberment. Surprisingly, we’re seeing that catching COVID-19 is the least of consumer worries in many businesses,” said economic analyst Denise Raynaldi. “Gator farm tours, public dirt bike tracks, discount fireworks stores — these businesses are only slightly more dangerous with the presence of COVID-19.“

At press time, Rowdy Owl staff discovered the largest rat living in the bar’s kitchen has recently learned how to swing a knife.