Total Loser Wears Band’s Mask to Their Show

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

AMITYVILLE, N.Y. — Local music fan Kyle Hartley was ridiculed at an outdoor Words Are Wind show yesterday for wearing the band’s COVID-19 mask he purchased on their website last week, multiple show attendees who mocked the man confirmed.

“I just wanted to support the band I like — I didn’t know there was some unwritten ‘mask rule.’ [Dr. Anthony] Fauci hasn’t said a single word about this,” Hartley explained, his cloth Words Are Wind mask soaking up his poser tears. “Now everyone’s telling me that you have to wear the mask of an adjacent band, or some old school band. But most people here just cut up their patched denim jacket to make their mask, and it looks incredibly uncomfortable.”

Words Are Wind frontman Frank Ray published a lengthy essay on Medium to weigh in after the story went viral.

“Look, at the end of the day, if Kyle Hartley considers himself a fan of my band, then you know what? I need him to stop. We can’t be associated with loser supporters like that,” Ray said. “When we first decided to start doing shows again, our big worry was that we were exposing our fans to a deadly virus that could kill them or their loved ones. We did not realize we would also be exposing them to total fucking dweebs like Kyle. As of today, we are canceling all future shows out of concern for the safety of our community.”

According to epidemiologist Dr. Blair Mitchell, this may be a growing issue as the COVID-19 epidemic continues.

“Many people are not expecting a wave two of coronavirus, and are not properly preparing themselves for the onslaught of totally lame-ass shit coming to them,” Dr. Mitchell noted. “We need to stay vigilant, because this is not over yet — we need to be ready for non-socially distant crowd killing, guys nursing a beer for three hours and then accidentally pouring it on their mask, and worst of all, cringey stage banter that bombs even harder because it’s outdoors.”

“In Europe, they figured this out and they’re moving on,” she added. “They did Zoom acoustic shows for a few months, and now they’re sweating all over each other in basements like God intended. In the U.S., however, we’re in for losers like Kyle Hartley until potentially mid-2021.”

At press time, a confused and frustrated Hartley vowed to just not wear a mask to the next show he attends.

Fans Furious After Sony Confirms PS2 Will Not Be Forward Compatible With PS5 Games

Posted on by Matt Kenny

SAN MATEO, Calif. — PlayStation fans worldwide erupted in fury today, following Sony’s shock announcement that classic gaming system PlayStation 2 would not be forward compatible with PlayStation 5 games. 

“Sony has fucked us for the last time!” read a comment from Reddit account Bugs__Cummy. “I plugged down 300 bucks twenty years ago, and now the console won’t even play any new games? What a scam.” 

Kotaku reporter Anna Stone broke the story after obtaining internal documents from Sony, which laid out the company’s policy towards forward compatibility. 

“The PlayStation 5 will support backwards compatibility with a range of classic games throughout PlayStation’s rich catalogue,” read the leaked memo. “But previous consoles will be unable to play PS5 games. Obviously.” 

Stone’s reporting also revealed other damaging revelations, most notably that PS2’s component and power cables would be wholly unusable by PS5. 

Sony’s Rapid Response PR team sprung into damage control mode to pacify hordes of irate fans.

“The devoted team at PlayStation has always striven towards giving gamers the most cutting-edge and exciting games possible,” read a tweet from the @AskPlayStation Twitter account. “In working with our developers, we determined that constraining PS5 games to PS2’s MIPS R5900 Emotion Engine would prove detrimental to creating a modern gaming experience. We sincerely apologize to those who are upset by this news.”  

The replies to that tweet, all of which contain words and images that violate Hard Drive’s editorial standards, paint a picture of a seething fan base experiencing a deep sense of betrayal.  

At press time, Todd Howard attempted to console fans with plans to de-master Skyrim for the PS2.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

$300 Editing Software Purchased to Make Simpsons Shitposts

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — Aspiring comedian Archie Brewer reportedly spent upwards of $300 on high-end video editing software in a bid to become one of the foremost Simpsons shiposters in cyberspace.

“Yeah, sure there are some free open source programs out there but they are clunky and buggy,” said Brewer, while superimposing Milhouse’s face onto the body of Brazillian president Jair Bolsonaro. “I need my work to be clean and crisp if I am going to be recognized, so I went all out. And that isn’t even counting the one fifty I dropped on a program to help me autotune Steamed Hams to the tune of Weezer’s Hash Pipe.”

Brewer’s roommates were not as receptive to the news as he had hoped they’d be.

“He hasn’t paid rent in three months but he can afford Adobe Premiere Pro?” asked Marian Norton, one of several concerned housemates. “He seems to think somehow creating a Facebook page called Simpson’s Surly-Posting will lead to a payday. He spent three weeks locked in his room doing a shot-for-shot remake of the Take On Me video starring Edna Krabappel and Groundskeeper Willie. He lost his job over that! I can’t knock the quality, however. He’s doing great stuff.”

Premiere Pro chief executive Rafael Duncan says Brewer’s is an increasingly common tale amongst Adobe users.

“Sure, we sell some licences to studios and independent filmmakers but our bread and butter is shitposters,” Duncan said. “Kids graduating college, ready to drop about three grand on a Mac and Premiere so they can add fart noises to the final battle in Avengers: Endgame. That’s the future of cinema, and that’s the future of the Adobe Creative Suite.”

At press time, Brewer was considering buying a Premiere plugin that would add wavy VHS style lines to his videos for a mere $89.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Elusive, Emotionally Distant Bad Boy Takes off Beer Can Tabs

Posted on by Erin McLaughlin

ARDMORE, Pa. — Small-town guitarist Aaron Haze removed yet another tab from his PBR tallboy moments ago while skirting around the topic of how much his ex hurt him, frustrated sources at a DIY show confirm.

“I’ve always removed the beer can tabs… especially when my ex Bianca, or my dickhead stepdad Rick, come up in conversation,” said Haze. “Maybe it’s an anxious habit or something. I dunno, it’s just sort of something I’ve always done. It’s probably how I got this scar. Why are you asking? Just because you’re being nice to me, doesn’t mean that I have to tell you my entire life story. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”

Regulars in Haze’s suburban basement scene report several accounts of his aloofness, manifested in his rebel-boy habit.

“He used to at least be willing to talk about how he got made fun of for his dyslexia as a kid, but then he had a mental breakdown and bleached his hair blonde and started listening to Porches,” reports Haze’s ex-fling Cindy Meyers. “After that, he started recording lo-fi EPs, talking over women, and removing beer can tabs, even when it wasn’t his beer. One time I saw 10 of them spill out of his wallet, but when I asked him what was wrong, he just looked off into the distance, and then chain smoked in silence when I started crying.”

Local psychology major Peter Kay speculated that Haze’s mistreatment of romantic partners and ongoing fidgeting behavior stems from his childhood.

“I can tell by how he calls cigarettes ‘bogies’ and ignores girls who he invited to his own show that he has a dismissive-avoidant attachment style,” said Kay. “I used to feel bad for him, because the sheer amount of beer can tabs he fiddles with shows that he’s got a fuck-ton of repressed emotional damage. But last night he fed me some sob story about his heartbreak just to scheme me out of hazelnut liqueur, so I don’t feel bad anymore.”

Haze has repeatedly refused to pick up the 30 crushed tallboys and several rolling papers he left on the show host’s back patio because he’s ambiguously “going through something” right now.

Protestors Alarmed By Pallet Of ACME Boxes Left In Street

Posted on by Tyler Dark

FAIRFIELD, N.J. — Local police were accused today of intentionally leaving a pallet of boxes labeled “ACME” in the street to instigate a cartoonishly silly and extremely dangerous riot, animated and human sources alike confirmed.

“Whilst exhibiting our displeasure with police brutality, my cohorts and I noticed what appeared to be a conniving trap set by the local constabulary,” reported Marvin the Martian, who traveled more than 71 million miles to attend the protests. “Upon further examination, I concluded that it was a detonator device, similar to the illudium PU-36 explosive space modulator. Luckily, the ruse was unsuccessful. Isn’t that lovely?”

Protestors accused police of intentionally leaving ACME-brand anvils, catapults, and jet-propelled roller skates to incite violence.

“It’s apawwing,” lamented Tweety Bird as he hoisted a sign that read, “Awwest Kiwwer Cops.” “‘Dese pwicks weave twaps for pwotestors and shoot us with wubber buwwets. A cop tried to fiwe at me, but I stuck my finger in the gun bawwel so it expwoded in his stupid pig face. But poor Daffy’s beak got knocked to the back of his head by a tear gas canister. It’s time to abowish and defund the powice! Fuck 12 — aw cops aw bastawds.”

Heightening tensions, a small crowd of counter-protestors gathered nearby to voice their support for law enforcement.

“B’dee, b’dee, b’dee, b’dee-fund the police? N-n-no way, Jose,” declared Porky Pig, handing out “Not All Pigs” pamphlets. “A’wee, a’wee, a’why, you might as well declare a’ha, a’ha, a’ha-narchy! Someone’s gotta puh, a’puh, a’put a stop to these a’rah, a’rah, a’rah, a’riots!”

Fellow counter-protestor Foghorn Leghorn agreed, dismayed by protestors allegedly destroying confederate monuments. “How else will people learn about the War of Northern Aggression and our great Southern history?” Leghorn said. “I say, I say, these fellas trying to erase history are about as sharp as a bowling ball.”

Fairfield Police have issued a statement denying the accusations and specifically assured the public that in no way was Lt. Wile E. Coyote involved.

Depressed Dog Can’t Even Finish Pile of Vomit

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHESAPEAKE, Va. — A local dog was left anxiety-ridden and unable to finish his pile of vomit yesterday after being abandoned at home by his owner yet again, sources close to the issue allege.

“Usually I like to eat every ounce of my puke while it’s still warm immediately after it comes up, but who could eat at a time like this?” asked Shadow, a poodle-mix rescue. “I don’t know if it’s just my avoidant attachment style talking, but every time he leaves the house, I know it’s for good. He grabbed his phone, keys and wallet, and told me he’d be back in a minute… and that was two days ago, I’m sure of it. Most canines can only go two to three days without water before succumbing to kidney failure. I don’t see the point of anything anymore.”

Despite Shadow’s melancholy state, his owner, Lucas Wagner, claimed that his dog is simply being “over-dramatic.”

“I was gone for 45 minutes,” said Wagner, carrying a bag of groceries into the house. “Where the hell is the carpet cleaner? We don’t even have a yard. How is he eating all this grass? I swear, every time I leave the house for more than 10 minutes, he thinks I’m never coming back and gets sick, and it always gets on my socks. And don’t even get me started on the bathmats. I heard having a dog is a good mood elevator, but I did not sign up for this.”

Wagner’s come-and-go-as-you-please attitude is “nothing new” according to Shadow, and has left the pup with severe abandonment issues.

“Sometimes I think it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if he left and never came back,” said Shadow, pushing the half-digested pile of grass and kibble around with his nose. “Just last week he pretended to throw my ball — the thing never even left his hand. I’m sorry, but that’s gaslighting. Just because I’m a rescue doesn’t mean I’m damaged goods.”

At press time, Shadow was mentally preparing his written will and testament as Wagner tied his shoes to go check the mailbox.

Four Out of Five Beers Agree: I Should Send This Text to My Ex

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Whenever I have important life decisions like this “u up” text I have ready to fire off to my ex, I make sure to consult peer-reviewed and accomplished experts before doing anything foolish. Unfortunately, they were unavailable at the time of this bar closing so I consulted a bunch of beers.

After soaking in the guidance of these behavioral specialists, the results were pretty much unanimously in favor of smashing that send button and quite possibly following up several more times just to make sure. But don’t ask a dum-dum like me. Here’s what the professionals had to say!

Beer #1: Hard Pass
“I would strongly advise against reaching out to her. The last couple dozen attempts garnered no response whatsoever, which is a clear sign it’s time to move on.”

Beer #2: But Maybe, Yeah?
“Allow me to play devil’s advocate. What if the reason she hasn’t responded is because she simply hasn’t seen all of your previous texts? Maybe text her real quick just to make sure they arrived safely. I’m sure she’ll say, ‘sorry, just seeing these now’ just like you do three days after first seeing a message you didn’t feel like responding to.”

Beer #3: Hear Me Out, Send It
“In my opinion, she’ll definitely want to know what you thought about the ending of that one show she used to watch while you sat next to her on the couch staring blank-faced at your phone during major plot points. Was it Ozark or the Party of Five reboot? Doesn’t matter. Send that text anyway.”

Beer #4: Hit, and I Can’t Stress This Enough, Send
“Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but I think her breaking up with you over your reckless drinking was just a test that I’m pretty sure you’ve totally passed with flying colors. One quick text will show her that you’re a changed man and maybe she’s finally ready for that threesome you suggested a while back.”

Beer #5: Fuck Yeah
“Just send that shit so you can move on and make pizza bagels already. Then maybe think about all the ways you could’ve been a better human being and supportive partner in the relationship so you can learn for future companions. Just kidding! Do some shots and pass the fuck out instead.”

Punk Bed & Breakfast Requires That You Bring Both

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PORTLAND, Ore. — A new, punk-themed bed & breakfast that offers the “luxury of living like a real life punk” requires that renters bring their own beds and breakfasts, according to an online listing.

“We are supplying the house: we shouldn’t be expected to provide you with food and comfort as well. You have full access to the shower if you can figure out how to turn it on… I just wouldn’t touch the bar of soap that’s in there,” said owner Mark Conner. “We’re selling an experience here. The house dog will sleep next to you — she has a couple of skin issues, so you won’t want to actually touch her — and there are a lot of cats that come and go as they please, so that adds to the fun. Also, any booze that you bring remains ours when you leave.”

While travelers were interested in the unique space, they report finding the whole ordeal confusing.

“I wanted to relive some of my 20s, and staying at that house reminded me how happy I am to be in my 40s,” said patron Hazel Garza. “I didn’t bring my own toilet paper, so they suggested I go to the gas station down the street and steal some. But the hardest part was finding the damn place: In the address line it just read, ‘Ask a punk,’ and then mentioned that no cops are allowed. I will say, though — the loud music playing all through the night was very authentic.”

Longtime punk business owners applauded the B&B for its DIY approach to the hospitality industry.

“Seems perfectly normal to me,” said Jared Armstrong, owner of the punk music venue The Dive. “Every person who stays at the house gets two drink tickets, good for orange juice or coffee in the morning. Also, if someone staying there gets five of their friends to stay there as well, then they’re first in line for the house’s one bathroom. Honestly, the house is probably losing money on this deal.”

The punk B&B is fully booked for the next three months, but owners say interested visitors are welcome to crash in Craig’s bed while he’s out of town or put up a tent in the backyard.

Report Reveals U.S. Military Spent 1.5 Trillion on Outdated and Dangerous ROFLcopters

Posted on by Peter Casciato

WASHINGTON — A shocking new investigation into U.S. military spending has revealed that the Pentagon is still pouring billions of dollars into the decades-old ROFLcopter program, despite the model being both outdated and unfit for combat.

“When we first started the ROFLcopter program, the goal of the US military was to make sure that all the Iraqi base are belong to us,” said retired U.S. general David Petraeus. “To that end, it  was imperative that we had a helicopter that was capable of going SOI SOI SOI SOI. Quite frankly, any criticisms of the military budget during that time makes me LMFAO.” 

While ROFLcopters saw action in the early stages of both the Afghanistan and Iraq war, they were phased out of combat after a series of accidents, mostly stemming from the unstable aerodynamics of the unique “LOL” shaped tail rotor. 

Despite the fact the ROFLcopter hasn’t seen combat since the Iraq War troop surge in 2007, The Pentagon is still funding research and production of new models. This has led to outrage among Democrat members of Congress, who are calling the program a “boondoggle” and an “epic fail.”

This isn’t the first time that the Pentagon has spent taxpayer dollars on unreliable meme vehicles. In the 1940’s and 50s, millions were invested into developing Happy Plane, which was designed to be able to “kill you and everyone you love.” However, the program was scrapped after the scouter said that the plane’s power level was under 9000.

The Pentagon says that in response to the outcry following the investigation, it plans on shifting the money from the ROFLcopter program into other spaces within its R&D division.

“America needs to stay on the cutting edge of meme technology,” the Pentagon said in a written statement. “That is why we will be investing over $800 million dollars next year on developing a new line of Apache Attack Helicopters for our more transphobic soldiers to have a second joke on the battlefield.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Divorcing Couple Agrees to Joint Custody of Raymond

Posted on by Ben Friedman

RIDGEWOOD, N.J. — After hours of mediation, divorcing couple David and Sophie Keller have finally found middle ground as they have agreed to share joint custody of Animal Crossing villager Raymond, sources close to the couple have reported.

“I created this island as an escape from this marriage, and one day without asking, Dave just made a character and pitched his goddamn tent while I was sleeping,” said Sophie Keller. “I was saving that spot for a garden, but of course he never asks permission. He just does whatever he wants. I’ll give that asshole credit for one thing, and that was inviting sweet little Raymond to my — sorry, our — island. But that doesn’t change the fact that Ray and I have a special bond, which is why he only comes to me to learn new catchphrases.”

According to those familiar with the situation, David Keller remained adamant throughout the mediation that he only has Raymond’s best interests in mind.

“She’s clearly trying to keep Raymond away from me and fill his head with her own ideas,” said a frustrated David Keller while angrily placing furniture items into his pockets one by one. “I’m the one who ventures out to the islands each day to mine resources while Sophie just sits around planting and replanting flowers. Also, is anyone even going to acknowledge that the Switch and literally every game installed on it is mine? Why would I walk away and turn that over to her?”

The family’s attorney, Ross Johnston, says that after hours of mediation, an agreement has been made. 

“Keller Island, along with Raymond, will be transferred to a Switch Lite which the parties will exchange to each other at the Grover Cleveland Rest Area on the New Jersey Turnpike every Friday evening,” said Johnson. “Neither party may download any other games onto the system, and both parties must contact a mediator should they want to change Raymond’s catchphrase or offer him clothing. I can’t believe anyone would spend $900 establishing these rules over a $60 game, but there you have it.”

As of press time, the couple once again came to an impasse as they could not agree on which would be forced to hold onto Pietro.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: