“This Year” By the Mountain Goats No Longer Cutting It in 2020

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Experts warned today that listening to the hit Mountain Goats song “This Year” is no longer enough to motivate Americans to get through 2020 if it kills them.

“Previous crises have been averted with repeated YouTube viewings of the music video for ‘This Year,’ but we’re reaching an all-time low in its efficacy as 2020 has evolved to specifically counter The Mountain Goats,” said epidemiologist Dr. Crissy Andrews. “Normally, we would not suggest such drastic measures, but as of today, we are now recommending extreme doses of ‘Dance Music,’ ‘San Bernardino,’ and, if necessary, ‘The Best Ever Death Metal Band In Denton.’”

“At this time, we are also recommending that no one affected by the 2020 blues listen to ‘No Children,’” Andrews added. “And stay the fuck away from ‘Matthew 25:21.’ God help us all. Or better yet, hail Satan.”

The Mountain Goats frontman John Darnielle gave a heartfelt apology to fans in a video posted to social media.

“It is deeply upsetting to me that 2020 has gotten to the point where posting lyrics from ‘This Year’ is no longer enough for people to get through the hard times. Worse, there will very likely not be feasting and dancing in Jerusalem next year, due to social distancing concerns,” Darnielle said in his video. “Nonetheless, I am devoted to writing a new song that will be even more hopeful and powerful than any in my oeuvre. We will all get through this together.”

“Or,” he continued, “the next song in my ‘Going To’ series will be called ‘Going to Sleep for the Next Eight Months.’”

The crisis surrounding the song has spurred federal attention, prompting Senator Elizabeth Warren to email supporters promising to revitalize it.

“President Donald Trump has let things get so bad in this country that our go-to songs for forgetting how tough life is barely even make a dent in our collective depression,” Warren’s email said. “We need a leader who can make things just bad enough that inspirational lyrics help us while being not good enough to make them completely unnecessary, and that leader is former Vice President Joe Biden.”

Darnielle has since announced that he is reworking the song “This Week” to make the lyrics more realistic for listeners.

Alex Jones Announces ‘InfoWars Tactics’

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

DALLAS, Texas — Claiming that the new game would revolutionize the long running InfoWars franchise, far-right radio host and conspiracy theorist Alex Jones unveiled a trailer and early details for a new tactics game set in the InfoWars universe in a surprise stream on the InfoWars website Tuesday morning.

“InfoWars Tactics is a turn-based tactical RPG that takes place 10 years before the first episode of InfoWars, placing you in control of a DMT-enhanced supersoldier on the front lines of the war for your mind,” said Jones, standing on a soundstage in front of a large LCD screen displaying pulsating graphics of the game’s placeholder logo. “You’ll need to filtrate your own water, collect Gorilla Mind pills and dodge gay bombs to rise to the top of the InfoWars Army and reveal the secrets of the Machine Elves and the Fifth Dimension.”

Jones added that in addition to a robust story mode, InfoWars Tactics will include various optional quest lines and hundreds of collectible false flags and non-player crisis actors to interact with throughout the game’s world.

“Just like in the real world — if you can even call our world ‘real’ — you won’t be able to see the game’s true ending unless you uncover every single false flag that the government has placed to deceive you,” Jones said. “Will the game’s true ending contain new information about the origins of Pizzagate and Seth Rich? That’s something you’ll only be able to find out when InfoWars Tactics launches this holiday season.”

At the conclusion of the presentation, Jones announced that Infowars Tactics would be released exclusively on the InfoWars website after he’d been deplatformed from Steam and the Epic Games Store.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Trump Boasts About Getting Through Professor Layton Games “Without Too Much Help”

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump recently called into Hannity to boast about the minimal help he needed beating the entire series of Professor Layton games this summer. 

“I got through all of them, Sean, even the 3DS ones,” said President Trump, calling into the popular Fox News program. “These are hard games. People say some of the hardest games out there. There’s some riddles. Some stories. The riddles stop and they do a story! And then sometimes they go, ‘Oh, here’s a maze! There’s a maze now! You have to solve the maze!’ It’s all very complicated, and I only had to hand it off to Barron a couple of times. You know, there’s nine or ten of these games, so I don’t think that’s too bad, you know?” 

Though he repeatedly insisted the accomplishment was impressive and unprecedented, many are underwhelmed by the president’s achievement. 

“I like those games, but they’re not exactly difficult,” said Charles Lann, a video game critic. “They’re really just variations on basic riddles and puzzles. If you were looking for an honest to god challenge I can think of dozens of games that would be a better indicator of one’s true aptitude. I am not sure our President realizes what he is really telling people when he brags about needing help with a game aimed at children.”

Trump continued on the subject for nearly twenty minutes, filling two segments of the show recounting specific solutions and plot points he had encountered while following the adventures of Professor Layton, his apprentice Luke Triton, and the rest of the characters they meet during the series. 

“Really great stuff from our President tonight,” said Sean Hannity, wrapping up an episode largely spent listening to the results of story problems from a decades worth of handheld games. “And we would like to thank his staffers again for helping him get through some of the trickier number problems. Stay tuned tomorrow as Mister Trump has promised to call in and describe the differences between two pictures in the latest Highlights magazine.”

As of press time, President Trump had filed an executive order banning GameFAQS after some disparaging remarks about him were discovered in a Phoenix Wright walkthrough.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

Viking Metal Band Pillages Local Chili’s

Posted on by Cory Cousins

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Viking metal band Fjord Destroyer took a local Chili’s restaurant by storm during the evening rush last night, utterly defiling multiple lovely family dinner parties, horrified Chili’s staff members confirmed.

“Odin will no doubt be pleased with our plunder,” bragged guitarist Shane “Skull-Splitter” McDaniels. “One of these so-called ‘Christians’ tried to shield his Crispy Honey-Chipotle Chicken Crispers from me. How dare this peasant swine defy the likes of me — a descendant of Thor himself, for Odin’s sake! I took his 32-ounce Frosé Rita and poured it over his head. What a fool! I have already written about this victory: Asgard Triple Dipper Destroyer.”

Restaurant staff were overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught.

“It’s times like these that test my unshakeable belief that I was destined to be a Chili’s manager,” said an agitated Todd Miller, the franchise’s manager. “These ruffians burst through my doors and acted like they owned the place, harassing customers with their profane language and guitar solos. I did not sit idly by as they desecrated my sacred temple of Tex-Mex and frilly cocktails — I called in the strongest reinforcements possible for a counter attack.”

Part-time Chili’s security guard Calvin Jackson served as Miller’s backup against the invasion of wannabe Viking metalheads.

“Man, I don’t get paid enough for this shit. I just work weekends while I’m going to business school,” noted Jackson. “It was a pretty typical, boring shift, until Todd came screaming from out of the back office that we were being ‘sacked’ — these barbarian-looking dudes were chugging from the nacho cheese fondue fountain. Needless to say, I threw them out on their asses.”

Fjord Destroyer was last seen setting sail in their Honda Odyssey to conquer the nearest Applebee’s.

Police Leave CPR Training Dummies Face Down, Riddled with Bullet Holes

Posted on by Zac Fairhall

SEATTLE — Seattle police officers attempting to complete a routine first-aid course last week finished their training session by kneeling on the necks of bullet-ridden dummies, horrified medical trainees confirmed.

“The course started off normal enough,” said Amy Moran, one of several getting her first-aid certificate at the King County night school. “We went over bandages and the recovery position, but as soon as the CPR dummies were laid out on the floor, some officers started trying to flip them over and rough them up a little bit. Others screamed at their dummy to show them their hands, and threatened them with pepper spray when they wouldn’t tell them where they’d been that evening.”

Instructor Kathy Spriggs noted things took a turn for the worse when she brought out replacement dummies that happened to be Black.

“Well, they’d damaged the first lot of CPR dummies, so I got the rest of the class to bring out the spares, which were made from a darker shade of rubber. Within minutes it was like an explosion went off,” said Spriggs while sweeping up the mess. “Armed squads showed up out of nowhere, officers cuffed dummies so hard they were ripping arms off, multiple shots were fired, and I saw two cops execute a move on a dummy I can only describe as a tag-team Batista bomb.”

For his part, Capt. Chuck Stonely said he “didn’t really know what the fuss was about.”

“Frankly, I sent the boys out to get some good press — ya know, save lives, yada yada. But from what they tell me, some of the CPR dummies were acting suspiciously, and were uncooperative when questioned,” said Stonely. “I tell my squad, ‘Better to be judged by 12 than carried by six,’ and if that means to feel safe they need to kneel on the neck of a CPR dummy until the gentle wheeze from its rubber lips is snuffed out, so be it.”

SPD later expressed concern that, if forced to pay for the damage, they might not be able to afford new state-of-the-art tanks for local precincts.

Opinion: I Think That- No Sorry, You Go Ahead

Posted on by Jonah Nink

Can you guys hear me ok? What’s that? I can see your faces but can’t hear anything. Can you guys hear me? Tim’s nodding so I think that’s a yes. Ok, Debra’s nodding now too, good. Beth, can you hear me? I see that elliptical behind you Beth, no shame. Lord knows I’ve been skipping leg day lately. Ope, someone just DM’d me, hold on. Beth says there’s a “join audio” button but I’m not seeing it. Bottom-left corner? Oh wait, there it is!

Great! Sorry about that, gang. It wouldn’t be our Monday morning zoom meeting without a couple of tech hiccups. How’s everyone doing? I do have some important info to share before we get rolling. Let me preface it by saying that I think that… no sorry Tim, you go ahead.

No just… Whoops talked over you again. Go ahead, Tim. Tim? Okay, maybe Tim cut out I’m just gonna… Oh, sorry ok Tim yeah go ahead.

No Tim, I’m not sure when we’ll be back in the office. Frankly I’m not sure if we’ll ever be back the way things have been going lately. I personally haven’t seen another human being who isn’t the Uber eats guy or my wife since March but you know what?

I’m kind of fine with it, which is scary to think about but I won’t dwell on it now. Besides, it doesn’t seem like you’re strapped for human interaction, Tim. Yep, I saw those pictures on Facebook of you and your wife at that maskless indoor party from the other day. Not an accusation, just an observation. Let me know if you ever want to spend an evening spitting on each other sometime.

Sorry, I’m getting off-topic. I was going to say that- no-no, go ahead Debra. What’s that? I thought I heard you say something. It’s a little choppy on my end, Debra. Is Debra choppy for anyone else? Well of course it’s choppy for you Tim, you have COVID. Kidding! I’m kidding…obviously…

Beth, is Debra choppy for you too? Wait, where did Beth go? Guys, you can’t just leave the call whenever you want. Or, I guess you can. It’s a rule I only enforce because these zoom meetings are the one thing I feel like I have any semblance of control over anymore in this new nightmare world we live in. Hey, Beth’s back!

Okay, so I just wanted to let you all… shit did I get booted? Hello? Can you guys hear me? Wave your hands if you can hear… Oh sorry, Beth didn’t mean to cut you off I think I was lagging. No Beth you fin… okay yeah no you finish talking. Oh, you’re done? Wait did she freeze?

Okay, I saw her move, nobody say anything okay? Okay.

Alright, so what I was going to say is that unfortunately, we’ve all been laid off. Yup, the company was hemorrhaging money because of all this, and it was either CEO’s raise or the entire midwest division. On the bright side, everyone is invited to stick around and watch me make some Molotov cocktails. Everyone except Tim actually, because dude you definitely have COVID.

Punk Shark Rips Sleeves off Diver’s Wetsuit

Posted on by Zac Lux

IMPERIAL BEACH, Calif. — A punk shark known to terrorize beachgoers attacked a scuba diver by ripping the sleeves off his wetsuit earlier today, Coast Guard officials confirmed.

“It came outta nowhere,” said Derek Frasier, who was visiting from Houston with his family. “It looked scarier than most sharks because it had these gnarly tattoos and a nose piercing — I’m pretty sure he was all jacked up on malt liquor, too. All I heard was, ‘Nice wetsuit, poser!’ and I was getting tugged and pulled in all these different directions. Before I could even process what happened, the shark was gone, and my $650 boutique wetsuit was two sleeves down. Devastating.”

The divemaster of the local scuba shop claimed she always includes a warning to divers during the pre-dive briefing.

“It’s one of the most important parts of the safety briefing,” said lead dive master and certified PADI instructor Coco Blanc. “I make sure every diver I’m taking out is well aware of how their gear operates, talk them through proper safety-stops for decompression, and give them a brief summary of Rollins-era Black Flag and suggest they wear something that doesn’t make them look like a tool — there are some rough fish out there, and they can sniff out a poser from a quarter-mile away. We even equip our divers’ weight belts with tallboys of PBR that they can deploy as a trust mechanism for any sea creatures that may want to rough ‘em up.”

This isn’t the first time this particular shark was seen defending their local scene.

“Yeah, every once in a while, you get some asshole who thinks they’re hot shit doggy-paddling around, scoping out sea turtles or some bullshit,” said Slug, a great white shark and scene veteran while eating a pack of cigarettes. “If we start letting posers in here, the next thing you know, this entire beach will be filled with boogie boarders, knocked down and turned into luxury condos or some shit. Not here. Not in my ocean, bud.”

At press time, the neighboring cephalopods were too busy setting up the drum set and shell merch table to comment.

Gamer Builds PC That Should Be Upgradeable All the Way Through Midlife Crisis

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Estimating that his components could continue providing decent performance even several years in the future when he realizes that his best years are behind him, local PC enthusiast Robert Moeschl announced to worried sources that he’d built a new PC that should be upgradeable all the way through his midlife crisis.

“This CPU and GPU combo alone should hold me for the next four or five years at least,” said Moeschl, 27, while doing some mental math to estimate when his mortality will really start to sink in. “Unlike my body, which will really start to rapidly degrade in the next few years unless I start forming good diet and exercise habits, this baby is totally future-proofed. At most, I might need to get some more RAM or another SSD later on.”

Moeschl’s friends say that while his PC is impressive, they’re concerned about how he plans to spend the next few years.

“It’s a cool computer, for sure, but I think Robert’s gotta be careful about how he spends his time from now on,” said Moeschl’s old roommate, Tyler Green. “He hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in years, and the clock’s ticking. Gaming in 4K and 120Hz is great and all, but I hope he invests as much into his love life as he did into that motherboard.”

Moeschl told sources that, when the time finally comes to open his case back up and start swapping out parts, he’ll probably also remove all of the flashy RGB components that are currently installed as well, since those are “a younger man’s game.”

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master:

New Version of Batman Screams Constantly to Navigate in the Dark

Posted on by Brandon Puff

BURBANK, Calif. — DC Comics has announced the newest iteration of Batman, who will navigate through the cold, dark streets of Gotham by screaming continuously.

“We want to portray Batman as the primal force of justice that he is,” said lead writer Jason Maxwell. “We were able to accomplish this new design goal by having Batman use hyper-realistic bat abilities, including echolocation.” Jason Maxwell then screeched at high volume to demonstrate exactly what readers could expect from the new Batman.

Some fans have raised concerns over this new design, fearing that if Batman screams all the time it might take away from the dark and brooding monologues the character is known for.

Maxwell addressed these concerns just as soon as he finished several minutes of screeching.

“We understand that a Batman who is always screaming at high volumes is not a character that everyone will enjoy. We also want to assure the fans that despite the changes we are making, the character will still maintain the core values of who he is. Batman is still going to fight for truth and justice, he will just be yelling at all times while he does it. Like, never not yelling.”

Despite these attempts at calming fans, there were many who still wanted their beloved non-screaming Batman to make a return. One such fan donned a Batsuit and then uploaded a video bashing the choices made by Maxwell and DC Comics.

“This is the worst thing to happen to Batman since his parents were killed. Maxwell and DC are taking this character and running him into the ground,” said Batmanfan99, age 35, while his parents were heard arguing in the background. “Batman is meant to dress up like a bat and fight crime with his bare hands and a ton of super cool gadgets and custom armored vehicles, plain and simple. Making the character scream while he does it is just ridiculous.”

In a follow-up blog post after the announcement, Maxwell revealed that this new version of Batman would also fight Gotham’s pest problem by consuming upwards of three thousand insects per night while on patrol.

Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of  1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: