Unbeknownst to you, unless you’re smarter than everyone else reading this (and we know that you are) Story of the Year went platinum for their 2003 debut LP “Page Avenue.” One million fucking people bought this LP; woah, that’s a lot of yelling. We decided to rank that album and Story of the Year’s five follow-up records, and we also promise not to mention The Used at all more than this one time, as they have to be legally mentioned in any piece involving SOTY and/or svengali John Feldmann or Mest will get involved. We don’t want to get sued again; thanks, 5 Seconds of Summer. Dive right in:
6. The Constant (2010)
We decided that every album listed in this piece is going to get an award prior to the meat and potatoes of each section: 2010’s “The Constant” is Story of the Year’s “Most Generic Sounding Album Title,” and the band’s fourth record itself and last for Epitaph Records showcases such sonically. It’s not a bad effort per se, but it was definitely a misstep after three back-to-back solid LPs that we list later in this piece. Shortly after this album’s release, the band took a well deserved and needed sabbatical till 2013, when it released a re-imagined version of the record listed second, which doesn’t get ranked here because we’re suckers for accuracy, frustration, and facts. However, the group’s follow-up official full-length album is next to be discussed below.
Play it again: “The Ghost Of You and I”
Skip it: “Eye For An Eye”
5. Wolves (2017)
2017’s comeback LP “Wolves” is Story of the Year’s “Most Hardcore Sounding Album Title.” It earns that moniker whilst being quite soft-core and without being that hard. That’s what he said. Anyway, now a thinner and more svelte four-piece without longtime bassist Adam Russell (guitarist Phil “Moon Valjean” Sneed would depart the band just one year later in 2018), “Wolves” was a proper ferocious return to form from the band, and an upbeat one at that. It’s good but not great front to back, but deserves at least one listen if you haven’t done so already. Two may be too much for some and we support whatever you want to do because we live in a partially free country.
Play it again: “Bang Bang”
Skip it: “Like Ghosts”
4. Tear Me to Pieces (2023)
New Story of the Year in the year of our lord known as 2023? Yes please. SOTY’s recent effort “Tear Me to Pieces” is the band’s “Most Emo Sounding Album Title” and overall it is really, really catchy and truly, truly strong. The record will for sure appeal to both older fans seeking early-aughts-guyliner nostalgia and younger MGK Hot Topic kids getting into the post-hardcore world for the first time. We implore you to take the ride through this album’s eleven tracks to prove to you that the band is far from dead and gone.
Play it again: “Tear Me To Pieces”
Skip it: “Sorry About Me”
3. In the Wake of Determination (2008)
Story of the Year’s final major label release and sophomore LP, 2008’s “In the Wake of Determination,” is definitely their “Most Metalcore Sounding Album Title” and respectfully earns said moniker sonically. The band took a big chance in working with revered punk/hardcore producer Steve Evetts for a heavier album a little rougher around the edges than the group’s next-to-be-mentioned platinum debut. This one may have gotten ‘em dropped, and may not have received the best reviews, but at least Story of the Year went out in style, making an album that it seems that the band always wanted to make. Fun opinion: The high harmonies on this LP are hair-raising and difficult to comprehend in the best way. Puberty’s a bitch and so are you.
Play it again: “Take Me Back”
Skip it: “Wake Up The Voiceless”
2. Page Avenue (2003)
2003’s “Page Avenue,” the album that spawned several hit singles for SOTY, is the band’s “Most Nu-Metal Sounding Album Title,” a description that completely makes sense as it was released in the wake of the rap rock boom. The band is likely going to have to play its majority until the day YOU die, and that’s ok because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggone it, people like you. Also, “Falling Down” is a hell of a bruising album closer in the way of 90s hardcore with a then-modern twist. Gang vocals are never a bad thing unless they are. Anyway, here’s the last one from the artists formerly known as Big Blue Monkey; we tell no lies.
Play it again: “And the Hero Will Drown”
Skip it: “Divide and Conquer”
1. The Black Swan (2008)
Message to the World: Our favorite Story of the Year release “The Black Swan,” is their “Most Natalie Portman Sounding Album Title,” and if albums were judged like Oscars, this underrated one would’ve won big there too! This record is their first of two for punk conglomerate Epitaph Records, and showcased work from two separate producers: the aforementioned John Feldmann and Michael “Elvis” Baskette. For those terrified that such a creative move would cause the album to meander, wake up: This LP flies elegantly like a dove, and swans and doves are peers, regardless of their color. We digress, but this album sure didn’t. Check it out and re-energize your love for a band returning to form.
Play it again: “Wake Up”
Skip it: “Pale Blue Dot (Interlude)”
An engineering prodigy who is absolutely clutch when it comes to getting the Joes across a body of water, but unless he could have designed an airplane-proof World Trade Center there’s very little Tollbooth could have done to stop 9/11.
We honestly have no idea how effective a soldier Cross-Country is, all we know is that he wore a rebel flag until 1993 and that’s way, way too long. You’re supposed to be one of the country’s most elite defenders, not one of the Dukes of Hazard, dick.
Yup, Grunt. This guy’s specialty is that he’s a prime example of your typical, run-of-the-mill prick soldier. He probably wound up on the Joe team due to a clerical error or something. Since the actual U.S. army is made up of over a million people literally identical to this guy, we’re gonna go ahead and say Grunt could not have stopped 9/11.
I’m sure his skills were absolutely essential to G.I Joe’s intelligence back in the day, but he’s kind of dated now. This guy still specializes in landlines. Maybe if he was called, like, Burner Phone he would have been useful, but by September 11th, 2001 it was already time to put this pony out to pasture.
Sci-Fi’s specialty is that he shoots a laser, which is also the specialty of every single other G.I Joe, but he also looks like a huge dork which apparently counts for something?
Apparently, America’s most daring, highly trained, special mission force is not immune to nepotism. Falcon is an arrogant, talent-less insubordinate jackass who gets a pass because he’s Duke’s half-brother. Call us crazy, but we think it would be best if the war on terror wasn’t being run by legacy hires.
Not only does he rival Snow Job for the least appropriately named Joe, Beach Head is the only member of the Joe team who, canonically, smells terrible. He claims that perfumed products like soap and deodorant could give away his presence when doing covert missions, but you know what else is probably a dead giveaway? Smelling like whatever a dude named Beach Head smells like.
He looks a lot cooler than he is. Tripwire’s specialty is that he carries around a metal detector. Well, they already have metal detectors at airports and a fat load of good that did us.
A Harvard and Johns Hopkins-educated medic, Doc is an essential member of the Joe team in the field. Unfortunately, his pacifism would have prevented him from making much of a dent in the villainous Al-Qaeda network. Also, if you’ve followed the state of medical care for military personnel and veterans over the last few decades, you’ll know it’s getting harder and harder to see Doc.
Much like Bazooka, Zap specializes in the use of Bazookas. Unlike Bazooka, Zap is named Zap. This is the exact sort of confusing governmental intelligence redundancy and disorganization that allowed 9/11 to happen in the first place.
A lot of these snow-based guys are going to find themselves on the bottom half of this list for obvious reasons, but Snow Job ranks the lowest based on his name alone. It is, plainly and simply, a play on “blowjob.” If we didn’t call oral sex a blowjob, no one would have ever thought to name him that. You’re supposed to be the best of the best Snow Job, show some damn decorum.
If Osama Bin Laden wanted to attack the World Trade Center with boats, this is the guy you want running defense. Sadly, this was not the case. The closest Shipwreck could have come to stopping the terrorists would be poisoning them en route to the States with his notoriously bad cooking.
Blowtorch is from Florida, and like most Floridians, he is an expert in flamethrowers and other fire-based weaponry. Unlike most Floridians, Blowtorch takes a “safety first” approach, going so far as to sleep next to a smoke detector every night. He has seen fire’s awesome power and dedicated his life to learning everything he can about it. He probably couldn’t have stopped 9/11, but he could probably put the whole “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” debate to rest any day now.
Viewed as kind of a prick even by drill instructor standards, Leatherneck doesn’t come in very high on our list. The closest thing he has to a friend is Wet-Suit, so it’s pretty safe to assume he lacks the networking skills needed to infiltrate a terrorist organization.
As a computer expert and electrical engineer, Flash could have been invaluable in dismantling the elaborate electronic networks Al-Qaeda used to move its money around. The only reason he doesn’t come in higher is because he looks like a tool.
Yup, another ice guy. Pretty much the only reason Iceberg exists in the first place is because army guy toys look cool when they wear all white. He probably would have fallen short if tasked with preventing 9/11, but damn would he look cool not doing it.
ACAB, including this low-rent knockoff of Mutt & Junkyard, who are featured more prominently on this list. With his background as a Texas police officer, he and his German shepherd would probably be too busy finding bogus reasons to pull over and harass Black people to help prevent 9/11.
You’ll never guess what this dude’s specialty is, it’s gonna blow your mind. Oh, you guessed diving? Yeah, that’s it. Wet-Suit is a scholar of military tactics, but only military tactics that involve being wet, so he’s pretty useless in the desert.
Don’t let the cowboy hat fool you, Wild Bill is a country singer who likes to tell tall tales. Okay, I guess you could just let the cowboy hat fool you. It’s G.I Joe, not G.I Surprisingly Nuanced Characters. As a hard-to-take-down pilot, he could have been useful if he were actually on one of the planes, but that’s about it.
Okay, now we’re getting to some useful skill sets. As his name implies, Recondo is an expert in gathering intelligence on the field. Unfortunately, he has this whole jungle-man shtick going, so he probably wouldn’t fair well in the harsh desert climates of Afghanistan.
Just when you thought we didn’t need any more songs of armor or devotion, Strung Out came along and gave the people what they didn’t ask for. There are a few highlights on this one, but it just doesn’t hit like the others. Though to be honest, it’s one of the better album covers in their discography. That’s something.
Hate to judge an album by its cover, but what is going on in the artwork for this one? Almost had to deduct rank points for that alone. The record feels softer than many of their others. Not necessarily a bad thing, but when we’re used to getting sick licks upon sick licks, it feels like you’re not getting your money’s worth.
“Another Day in Paradise” is an excellent prequel to later records, but you could tell they were really trying to figure things out here. They worked out the kinks almost immediately following this release, but there are a handful of awkward parts that they would probably write differently today. For instance, there’s a brief four-second ska part in the song “In Harm’s Way.” When I listen to Strung Out, I don’t want to be encouraged to skank.
Really wanted to put this one higher because there are a lot of classic Strung Out tracks contained within. But there are a few rare misses too. Emphasis on rare. Nonetheless, it’s still an extremely satisfying Strung Out release that is a nice continuation of their EP “The Element of Sonic Defiance” (2000). Singer Jason Cruz once said that the album cover was originally supposed to be “a lot more fucking gnarly, but we had to change it because of 9/11.” Sounds like the terrorists won.
Don’t get me wrong, “Agents of the Underground” is a great record. It checks all the Strung Out boxes and if you’re a fan of their other stuff, it will not disappoint. On the other hand, if you made AI listen to all their discography and then write a Strung Out record, it would likely spit out this one. Only it would mess up all the solos. We all know artificial intelligence is shit at guitar.
Would love to be in the room when Strung Out writes an album. Only because I don’t believe that a group of human beings can keep up with writing such excellent music for decades. Like, if you told me Strung Out was developed in a lab, I would absolutely believe you. Perhaps they’re even transfusing blood with 18-year-olds to stay instrumentally fit. Someone should get to the bottom of that.
This one leans heavily on the metal side. I mean, get a load of some of these song titles: “Her Name in Blood,” “Lucifermotorcade,” “Vampires,” and “Skeletondanse.” This could almost be a Misfits or Rob Zombie album based on track titles alone. The only thing this album is missing is “Teenagers From Mars” and “Dragula.” Perfect otherwise.
No one ever told Strung Out that you only need three chords to write a punk song, not 28. But here they were completely reinventing the wheel and making sonically precise music. Starting with this record, Strung Out went through a brief 20-year phase where they only wrote incredible music. This one solidified them as a force to be moshed to.
If you’re going to write a skate punk album in the ‘90s, you might as well write one of the best ones. “Too Close to See” is quite possibly the greatest opening track of all time too. You can fact-check me on that claim, if you want. This was also the last album with late bassist Jim Cherry, who evidently had a big part in writing their songs, making Strung Out the only band to allow their bass player to have any input whatsoever in their music. Truly diverse musicians.
Safe to say GG never flushes, and we’d somehow have to buy toilet bowl cleaner weekly instead of our usual once every four years.
Proud Boys are notorious for not doing dishes because according to them, “that’s a woman’s job.” Plus, he’d have Fox News on in the background all day long and always try to get me to storm government buildings with him. I simply do not have the energy for all that.
Morrissey would call a nightly house meeting to air his grievances but always cancels at the last minute. Then he’d ask where we all were for the meeting. Listen, if anyone’s going to gaslight in this household it’s going to be me to the electric company.
Bono would hang one of those “in this house we believe” signs on the front lawn before pleading with the county to get the affordable housing unit to be built two towns over instead of down the street. Plus, he’d always be asking me to sign weird petitions.
Don’t ask me how I know but this man does zero chores.
Jack White seems like he would give me a very demand-y tour rider before moving in. But I just don’t have the time to cut the crust off of his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for him. I’ve got TV shows to catch up on.
It doesn’t matter how many Post-it notes of my name are on my leftover meatball parmesan sandwich in the fridge, Fat Mike is going to finish it without my consent. Then he’s going to complain that it wasn’t very good and that I should’ve gone to the place across the street instead.
Rob would always be asking to borrow money because he just has to have some rare prop from “The Munsters” TV show that he’s currently bidding on. While I agree that the Eddie Munster suit looks would go perfectly with the Lily Munster gown collectible he already has, is it really worth $15,000?
Tim wouldn’t believe someone would throw out a perfectly good mattress he found on the sidewalk. Only to realize three days later that the stained Serta is infested with bed bugs that, according to him, will “probably work itself out.”
Henry would be a total nightmare during board game night. I don’t even want to envision the tantrum we would have to endure if he lost at Settlers of Catan. He’d also somehow know rules for games that aren’t even in the instructions.
Billy just seems like he would never let me turn the heat on in winter and remind me that I forgot to shut off the kitchen light after I left. Just let me drain my bank account on basic utilities in peace.
Julian would always be leaving hair in the sink. Not the bathroom sink. The kitchen one. We all know strands of hair belong in the shower, not the sink.
He’d be fine roommate-wise, but I wouldn’t be able to bring Dave anywhere because he’d always ask to see the manager at every establishment we visit. Our weekly Dave and Buster’s visit is going to be completely ruined by this guy.
John sang a lot about love, so he would definitely be the kind of person who would hang a “Live, Laugh, Love” sign in every room. He’d swear it just goes well with his “But First, Coffee” sign in the kitchen.
Anthony would put the toilet paper roll on backwards and call that “California style.” I’m not rearranging my entire life for any member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Maybe Flea.
Trent seems like the kind of guy who breeds dogs on the side. He would of course do this in the living room when I’m trying to watch “Succession.” All I ask is that I don’t watch animals procreate while Brian Cox is on the screen.
The lead singer of Rush is for sure a sword guy, which means he’ll be late on rent again this month because he just had to get the Game of Thrones replica Heartsbane Damascus imported from Iceland. Can’t you just get the store-brand one?
Ian is the most straight edge person in existence, which is totally cool, but he’s probably going to give me a stern lecture for taking Advil to relieve my headache. I prefer not to hide my ibuprofen dependence from the people I live with.
Chris seems like a very sensitive person. That’s totally fine, but there are only so many times I can hear about how he thinks he pissed off the Rite-Aid cashier because he asked if she could break a 20-dollar bill. I’m sure she doesn’t hate you, Dashboard.
Sure, he’d get annoying pretty quickly since he would call me a yuppie every time I had to go to my job at the warehouse, even though he doesn’t work at all, but he could probably talk a home invader out of stealing my laptop while we were tied up. Or at the very least, irritate the crap out of them until they flee.