20. Cover Girl
Cover Girl is a supermodel who wanted to prove she was more than just another pretty face, so she became a diesel mechanic laser soldier. She actually might have been able to stop 9/11 from happening if we had convinced her that doing so would prove some weird point about how people perceive her.
19. Barbecue
Another fire guy, this one hailing from a long line of Boston firefighters. Barbecue was knocked down to the G.I Joe reserves because apparently, he likes to hit the sauce a little too hard. Functioning alcoholism might be fine in the fight against Cobra, but it’s not gonna stop those planes.
18. Crankcase
Crankcase is a speed freak who’s just in it for the rush, baby. Infiltrating and dismantling a terrorist organization takes patience, and Crankcase is too busy living on the edge for that noise.
17. Short-Fuze
Short-Fuze is a math genius and a demolition expert with a noticeably short temper. Dude kinda seems like he’s gonna cause more 9/11s than he stops.
16. Bazooka
Yet another Bazooka guy, but this one ranks higher than the others for the sheer fact that his name is the thing he does. Also, according to some conspiracy theories, Bazooka actually did stop one of the 9/11 planes.
15. Footloose
Could it be that the Taliban, with all of their hatred of America and archaic authoritarian practices, just need someone to teach them to dance?
14. Airtight
Of all the Joes with sexually suggestive code names, Airtight’s is simultaneously the most subtle and the most graphic. It’s no surprise he hails from New Haven. He’s an expert in chemical weaponry, so Donald Rumsfeld would probably have you believe he’s prevented countless attacks on American soil, but there’s not much he could have done against weaponized airplanes.
13. Scarlet
One of the earliest and most overpowered Joes, Scarlet is an expert in every martial art, every weapon, and covert ops/counterintelligence. If the Bush administration was capable of taking a woman seriously, she could have gotten the job done.
12. Mainframe
An expert hacker, Mainframe could have been incredibly useful in stopping the terrorists from carrying out their plot. He could have picked up some chatter on the net, coded a backdoor into the system, said “I’m in” and then bam, no more 9/11.
11. Breaker
The umpteenth Joe who specializes in communications and speaks every language, Breaker has the added advantage of being a master code breaker. Unfortunately in the months that lead up to the attack on the world trade center, Breaker was busy deciphering a coded message from Cobra, which was eventually translated to be “Destroy the Joes!”
10. Flint
Flint is a master tactician. He and Lady Jaye together make the ultimate military power couple. Unfortunately with her acting background and his history as a Rhodes Scholar with a degree in literature, they were viewed as members of the liberal elite, and, their growing concerns over the Taliban were not taken seriously by military higher-ups.
9. Hawk
A West Point man born into generational wealth, it’s no surprise that Hawk was chosen as the leader and public face of G.I Joe. Despite his less than humble beginnings though, Hawk knows when to keep his ego in check and let a guy like Duke swing his dick around. The public trusts him, so if he was given a platform to warn us about the looming, non-snake-based threat Al-Qaeda presented to America, maybe things would have been different.
8. Stalker
A former Detroit gang leader turned super-soldier, Stalker knows the ins and outs of Guerilla warfare better than anyone on the Joe Team. A skilled medic and linguist, Stalker is basically Doc without all the hangups about killing people. He’s a proven leader and he speaks Arabic, and his absence in the Middle East during the Bush years is a testament to our military’s ineptitude at that time.
7. Mutt & Junkyard
One is a ferocious beast whose bite is every bit as bad as his bark. The other is a dog named Junkyard. Together, they’re an army of two who could have prevented one of the greatest tragedies in our nation’s history if they were only given the chance.
6. Roadblock
A Joe named “Skyblock” probably would have been more convenient, but don’t count this guy out. He was the only member of his unit to escape the clutches of Golobulus, crossing the Cobra-la border to deliver crucial intel to the other Joes. He’s basically the reason you’re not all speaking snake right now, so it’s fair to say he could have given Osama Bin Laden a run for his money.
5. Sgt. Slaughter
Can we set aside the conceit of this list for a second and acknowledge the fact that Sgt. Slaughter is a real friggin guy in real goddamn life? Where the hell was he?! The fact that Robert Rudolph Remus wasn’t put in charge of protecting our homeland is proof positive that there was more going on with the 9/11 attacks than the public has been told.
4. Tunnel Rat
Do we really need to explain how this guy could have been useful? You’ve got a bloodthirsty terrorist organization hiding in an elaborate network of cave tunnels, and a special forces operative named “Tunnel Rat.” It’s not rocket science America, get him out there!
3. Snake-Eyes
The epitome of the strong silent type, Snake-Eyes could have taken out those hijackers faster than you can say “9/11 was an inside job.”
2. Lady Jaye
A world-class actor, spy, and mimic specializing in world languages and cryptology, Lady Jaye’s skill-set was practically custom-made to infiltrate and neutralize Al-Qaeda. Our best guess as to why she wasn’t put on the job is because the Bush administration was worried she would get too close to the truth.
1. Duke
Unlike the other Joe’s, Duke doesn’t need special armor or gimmicks. He wins the day through sheer American badassness alone, save for the occasional jetpack. A decorated war veteran who always rises to the occasion, Duke commands the respect of his underlings and superiors alike. Furthermore, his skills as a polyglot would have been invaluable to the gathering of enemy intelligence — he can imply that he’s banging Scarlett in 9 different languages. Mark Wahlberg himself wouldn’t have done a finer job of stopping 9/11 if given a chance.