G.I. Joe is the code name for America’s daring, highly trained, special mission force.
Its purpose: To defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world. In retrospect, maybe we should have had them hunting down the Taliban in the ‘90s. Then again, when is the last time you were attacked by Serpentor? Exactly.
We’ve assembled the best of the best — the top 50 members of the Joe team — and ranked them by how effectively they could have prevented the attacks of September 11th if they weren’t too busy keeping the world safe from snake people.
50. Tollbooth
An engineering prodigy who is absolutely clutch when it comes to getting the Joes across a body of water, but unless he could have designed an airplane-proof World Trade Center there’s very little Tollbooth could have done to stop 9/11.
49. Cross-Country
We honestly have no idea how effective a soldier Cross-Country is, all we know is that he wore a rebel flag until 1993 and that’s way, way too long. You’re supposed to be one of the country’s most elite defenders, not one of the Dukes of Hazard, dick.
48. Grunt
Yup, Grunt. This guy’s specialty is that he’s a prime example of your typical, run-of-the-mill prick soldier. He probably wound up on the Joe team due to a clerical error or something. Since the actual U.S. army is made up of over a million people literally identical to this guy, we’re gonna go ahead and say Grunt could not have stopped 9/11.
47. Dial Tone
I’m sure his skills were absolutely essential to G.I Joe’s intelligence back in the day, but he’s kind of dated now. This guy still specializes in landlines. Maybe if he was called, like, Burner Phone he would have been useful, but by September 11th, 2001 it was already time to put this pony out to pasture.
46. Sci-Fi
Sci-Fi’s specialty is that he shoots a laser, which is also the specialty of every single other G.I Joe, but he also looks like a huge dork which apparently counts for something?
45. Falcon
Apparently, America’s most daring, highly trained, special mission force is not immune to nepotism. Falcon is an arrogant, talent-less insubordinate jackass who gets a pass because he’s Duke’s half-brother. Call us crazy, but we think it would be best if the war on terror wasn’t being run by legacy hires.
44. Beach Head
Not only does he rival Snow Job for the least appropriately named Joe, Beach Head is the only member of the Joe team who, canonically, smells terrible. He claims that perfumed products like soap and deodorant could give away his presence when doing covert missions, but you know what else is probably a dead giveaway? Smelling like whatever a dude named Beach Head smells like.
43. Tripwire
He looks a lot cooler than he is. Tripwire’s specialty is that he carries around a metal detector. Well, they already have metal detectors at airports and a fat load of good that did us.
42. Doc
A Harvard and Johns Hopkins-educated medic, Doc is an essential member of the Joe team in the field. Unfortunately, his pacifism would have prevented him from making much of a dent in the villainous Al-Qaeda network. Also, if you’ve followed the state of medical care for military personnel and veterans over the last few decades, you’ll know it’s getting harder and harder to see Doc.
41. Zap
Much like Bazooka, Zap specializes in the use of Bazookas. Unlike Bazooka, Zap is named Zap. This is the exact sort of confusing governmental intelligence redundancy and disorganization that allowed 9/11 to happen in the first place.
40. Snow Job
A lot of these snow-based guys are going to find themselves on the bottom half of this list for obvious reasons, but Snow Job ranks the lowest based on his name alone. It is, plainly and simply, a play on “blowjob.” If we didn’t call oral sex a blowjob, no one would have ever thought to name him that. You’re supposed to be the best of the best Snow Job, show some damn decorum.
39. Shipwreck
If Osama Bin Laden wanted to attack the World Trade Center with boats, this is the guy you want running defense. Sadly, this was not the case. The closest Shipwreck could have come to stopping the terrorists would be poisoning them en route to the States with his notoriously bad cooking.
38. Blowtorch
Blowtorch is from Florida, and like most Floridians, he is an expert in flamethrowers and other fire-based weaponry. Unlike most Floridians, Blowtorch takes a “safety first” approach, going so far as to sleep next to a smoke detector every night. He has seen fire’s awesome power and dedicated his life to learning everything he can about it. He probably couldn’t have stopped 9/11, but he could probably put the whole “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” debate to rest any day now.
37. Leatherneck
Viewed as kind of a prick even by drill instructor standards, Leatherneck doesn’t come in very high on our list. The closest thing he has to a friend is Wet-Suit, so it’s pretty safe to assume he lacks the networking skills needed to infiltrate a terrorist organization.
36. Flash
As a computer expert and electrical engineer, Flash could have been invaluable in dismantling the elaborate electronic networks Al-Qaeda used to move its money around. The only reason he doesn’t come in higher is because he looks like a tool.
35. Iceberg
Yup, another ice guy. Pretty much the only reason Iceberg exists in the first place is because army guy toys look cool when they wear all white. He probably would have fallen short if tasked with preventing 9/11, but damn would he look cool not doing it.
34. Law and Order
ACAB, including this low-rent knockoff of Mutt & Junkyard, who are featured more prominently on this list. With his background as a Texas police officer, he and his German shepherd would probably be too busy finding bogus reasons to pull over and harass Black people to help prevent 9/11.
33. Wet-Suit
You’ll never guess what this dude’s specialty is, it’s gonna blow your mind. Oh, you guessed diving? Yeah, that’s it. Wet-Suit is a scholar of military tactics, but only military tactics that involve being wet, so he’s pretty useless in the desert.
32. Wild Bill
Don’t let the cowboy hat fool you, Wild Bill is a country singer who likes to tell tall tales. Okay, I guess you could just let the cowboy hat fool you. It’s G.I Joe, not G.I Surprisingly Nuanced Characters. As a hard-to-take-down pilot, he could have been useful if he were actually on one of the planes, but that’s about it.
31. Recondo
Okay, now we’re getting to some useful skill sets. As his name implies, Recondo is an expert in gathering intelligence on the field. Unfortunately, he has this whole jungle-man shtick going, so he probably wouldn’t fair well in the harsh desert climates of Afghanistan.