Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man at Party Ignores Girlfriend to Quote Mitch Hedberg With Random Dude Instead

PATCHOGUE, N.Y. — Local comedy nerd Robert Korey abandoned his girlfriend Jessica Linney at a party to quote one-liners from legendary stand up Mitch Hedberg with a total stranger, sources who knew a few quotes of their own confirmed.

“There I was listening to my girlfriend talk about thread counts or something when all of a sudden I heard the phrase ‘rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something’ from across the room and I immediately dropped everything and made my way towards my Mitch soulmate,” said Korey. “We started out with the classics like ‘I used to do drugs. I still do but I used to too’ but then my comedy boner grew even more when this guy knew the deep cuts as well. Didn’t take long to realize he was not just some Hedberg poser. My girlfriend can’t even recite three jokes of his even though I quote them all the time around her. Honestly, Jessica could stand to be a little more Anthony. In fact, we could all benefit from being more like Anthony.”

Linney wasn’t happy with Korey’s lack of awareness of the situation.

“I was mid-sentence talking about my father who recently passed away when something came over Robert and he walked away,” said Linney. “I didn’t see him for another three hours after that. The next time I even heard from him was when he asked if it would be cool if he could sleep over Anthony’s house for the night. They even did that stoner Mitch accent all night. At first I was mad, but then I thought it was great that he could get these Hedberg quotes out of his system with someone other than me. After all, I was more of a Dane Cook fan in the 2000s, which is still a sore subject in our relationship.”

Experts believe common cultural phenomena are an excellent way to bond with new people.

“Never underestimate the power of comedic references,” said psychologist Theresa Gerstein. “Back in the mid- to late-2000s, a lot of white men in their 20s became friends simply by walking around saying things in the Borat voice. A guy could deliver the lines ‘king of the castle, king of the castle’ or ‘my wife’ at a social gathering and yield five, maybe six, new lifelong friends just like that. These phrases were like mating calls but for platonic friendships.”

At press time, Korey was seen talking with a different person at the party after the stranger had quoted a bit from Demetri Martin.